Madeline sat on the bed. Diana held her head high, her chin slightly elevated, and Madeline knew that look all too well. She was still angry at Madeline for having walked out on her earlier, disobeying her orders and leaving Hilary to finish the sponge bath Madeline had started.
This was going to be exceedingly difficult.
She reached for Diana’s hand. “I…I want to talk to you about us.”
“Aboutus?Whatus?Are you going to propose marriage to me, Madeline?”
Madeline tried to smile and make light of the joke that was meant to distance her. “Us, as sisters. I…I want to apologize for some things.”
Diana’s expression relaxed visibly, and Madeline was glad she had been able to wrestle with her pride long enough to break the ice. Perhaps, this way, Diana would open her ears and actually listen.
“Do you remember when I was six years old, you taught me how to walk with a book on my head?”
“Yes, what does that have to do with anything?”
Madeline tried again. “Do you remember putting me to bed at night? Climbing under the covers with me, lying beside me and reading, then stroking my forehead before saying good-night?”
“Goodness, Madeline, I don’t remember.”
“Well, I do. I also remember that when you packed up to leave for Auntie’s house to live in London, I did not say goodbye. While you waited in the front hall for the carriage to arrive, I complained to Father and accused him of loving you more than me, and I said you were spoiled. Tell me you rememberthat.”
Diana pursed her lips indignantly. “How could I forget? You ran off down the lane and then my carriage came.You,as always, were the one who was spoiled that day, Madeline, not me. Don’t think for a minute I was hurt.”
Madeline sighed deeply. “I said I was here to apologize. I’m sorry for that. I…I was angry that you were leaving, and I knew I was going to miss you. I had no mother to hold me and console me after you were gone, and I was afraid.”Lord, this was difficult.
Diana was not moved. “I had no mother, either. Do you think it was easy forme?You never even knew her. I had to watch them put the mother thatIloved into the ground.”
Swallowing uneasily, Madeline continued. “I’m sorry for that, too. It was hard for all of us.”
For a long time they sat in silence. Madeline felt her courage faltering and feared that she would not be brave enough to say what she had come here to say. She squeezed her hands together on her lap, then looked at Diana and saw the pain in her own eyes, the memories of a distressing time in her life.
“I didn’t want to say goodbye to you that day, Diana, because Ilovedyou. More than anyone in the world.”
There was a long silence. Diana’s brows drew together in a frown. “Why are you telling me this now?”
Madeline’s stomach began to churn. “Because I want you to know it, and because I want…I want us to be close again.”
The color rose in Diana’s cheeks. “You think I’m going to be an invalid, don’t you? You feel sorry for me, that’s why you’re saying all this.”
“No, Diana—”
“How can you expect us to be close when you will not do the smallest favor for me, like warming the water when I ask? We are nothing alike. You walk around like the living dead, keeping your thoughts to yourself, looking at me as if I am silly and frivolous for wanting to keep my hands soft or my dress clean while you bounce about in the barnyard, taking pleasure in feeding the hogs!”
Madeline felt she’d been slapped across the face. But there was more….
“You judge me,” Diana said, “with that look on your face. I never know what you are thinking because you never tell me. At least when you were a child you expressed yourself by disobeying Father and running off somewhere. You were such a difficult child.”
“I believe I did it for attention,” Madeline replied. “At least, that’s what the housekeepers used to say.”
“Well, thank heavens you gave up trying.”
I did give up,Madeline thought sadly. Just as she was going to give up now, for nothing was worth this torment. She rose from the bed.
“I should go downstairs and start dinner,” Madeline said. “I’ll summon Hilary for you.”
There would be no more apologies. No more attempts to reconcile with her sister. She fluffed up Diana’s pillows, quite secure in the knowledge that she had been right to keep her heart closed at least toward her sister. Her father had deceived her and shipped her off without a second thought, and Diana blamed her for their mother’s death, and clearly still despised her. Madeline had been burdened with that guilt for her entire life.
The key Adam had given her hadn’t worked, after he’d made it sound so simple.
