He frowned. “What did you talk about?”
Clara hesitated, not sure if she should tell him, but then she decided it was worth discussing. Perhaps it would bring them closer together on an emotional level, which was what she wanted after all.
“Gillian told me that she saw what happened with Mrs. Thomas, and she congratulated me for not making a fuss. She said that ifshewere your wife, she would give you the freedom you needed.”
His eyebrows drew together. “I cannot believe you had this conversation.”
“Neither can I. All day long I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Gillian might be.... Is it possible that she might be in love with you, Seger? Have you ever suspected it?”
Seger sat up and gaped down at her. “That’s ridiculous.”
Clara sat up, too, hugging the covers to her chest. “Is it?”
“Of course. She has never so much as glanced at me in that way. She thinks of me as a brother. I cannot even imagine such a thing.”
“But if you could have heard her talking this morning. Haven’t you noticed how she’s been dressing lately? How she’s been changing the way she looks?”
“No, I have not. I think you are letting your imagination get the best of you, and you always seem to think the worst ofme.”
“No, I am not accusing you of anything, Seger. I believe it is all on Gillian’s side, and maybe she doesn’t even know it herself.”
“Know what? That she wishes she were my wife? Good God, ifshedoesn’t know it, it hardly seems possible thatyoucould.”
“I just sensed it.”
He got out of bed and pulled on his robe. “This is absurd, Clara. I understood your reservations about marrying me in the beginning, and I understand if you are upset about Mrs. Thomas’s solicitation last night, but this, Clara—this is getting out of hand.”
Her temper began to rise. “You think I am having delusions?”
He sighed with resignation. “I think you are worried about your decision to marry me because of what happened last night, and it has caused you to be irrational.”
Irrational?
“Gillian is just a girl,” he continued, “a shy, quiet girl. She’s not like Mrs. Thomas, so do not think what you are thinking. To tell you the truth, I’m getting tired of your lack of confidence in me. I told you I would be a faithful husband, yet you keep bringing up this sort of thing. I’m tired of discussing it.” He crossed to the door.
“Where are you going?” Clara asked, her anger rising. Seger had not understood any of what she was saying. He didn’t believe her, he couldn’t bring himself to doubt Gillian’s sweetness, and he thought she was irrational.
Even if she was completely wrong, he could have at least been sympathetic and tried to ease her mind about it. Instead, he had called her feelings absurd. He had defended Gillian. He was walking out. He did not want to delve into her emotions. He wanted only light conversation and sex.
“I am going to get a drink and read for a while,” he replied. “Suddenly I don’t feel much like sleeping.”
Nor do I,Clara thought miserably, flopping onto the bed after the door swung shut behind him.
Clara couldn’t sleep. She needed to talk to someone, but she couldn’t go to Gillian, nor could she go to her stepmother, who adored her niece and would probably react exactly as Seger had.
Clara wished she could talk to her sister, but Sophia had gone to Bath with James to spend a few weeks with his mother and his sister, Lily, who had wished to escape the pressures of the London Season this year. Sophia had explained to Clara that Lily had gotten into some trouble a few years ago, shortly after James and Sophia had wed. Lily had run off with a Frenchman. The whole thing had been covered over, but Lily, unfortunately, had not yet gotten over it. She was uneasy around men and didn’t trust her own judgment.
She and Clara would probably have a lot to talk about.
After a moment’s deliberation, Clara decided to write a letter to Sophia. If nothing else, it would help her to express how she was feeling. She went to her desk, pulled out a clean sheet of stationery, and dipped her pen in the inkwell.
Dear Sophia,
It is the middle of the night and I cannot sleep, for I am distraught. This morning, Gillian said things about Seger that made me uncomfortable, and I can only assume she said them to hurt me, for she is secretly in love with him.
I know it sounds absurd, and perhaps I should have waited until I had something more substantial to base my beliefs upon than my womanly instincts before I mentioned it to Seger. But I wanted so desperately for us to be close. I wanted to share my feelings with him. I told him my suspicions, but it did not go well. He did not believe a word of it. He called me irrational, for he cannot believe that Gillian would ever see him as anything other than a brother figure.
Now I feel worse than ever about my marriage. I feel as if I expected too much too soon, and I have pushed Seger away. He was angry with me, and he left our bed, and I fear that if he loses interest in me (you know what kind of interest I mean) that there will be nothing to keep him from leaving me, for there is really so little depth of feeling between us to begin with.
