Alex’s shoulders sag a fraction, and he opens his mouth like he might say something, tell me what’s been going on with him-
But then he turns and heads for his room.
I’m left standing in the kitchen, feeling more defeated than I ever have.
Last night, everything felt simple, like things were starting to look up. But right now, it feels like I’m failing at the only damn thing that matters.
This is one of those moments where I just need my mom.
I try to keep it together, do right by Alex. Liz and Ben, too. But I’m not their momma, no matter how hard I try to take care of them. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do.
I wipe the spilled coffee off the floor with a dish towel, my movements mechanical, my mind still stuck on Alex’s face. The black eye, the way he wouldn’t look at me-
I know he wanted to talk to me, to tell me what was going on.
Something about all this pings in my head. Tells me whatever is going on is bad, but I can’t put it all together.
I’m on the porch, thinking about everything, when I get a notification on my phone.
A text from Iris.
It’s just a good morning, but damn if I want to hear her voice right now, and I’m too upset to care if calling her would be weird.
“Nate? Hi,” she answers on the third ring.
“Hey, sorry to call so early.”
“No, it’s okay, is- Is everything okay?”
I rub a hand over my face. “Not really.”
There’s silence on the line, then, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I look around the front yard. The trees are changing, and some leaves are already on the ground. Alex and me usually rake them up together, compete over who can make the biggest pile.
Probably not this year, though.
“It’s Alex. He came into the kitchen this morning with a black eye.”
“Oh my gosh,” she says, concern blooming in her voice. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “He won’t talk to me. Kid shut down completely. And I- I don’t know what to do.”
I should stop there, I know I shouldn’t overshare when we’ve only been on one date. But there’s something about talking to her, hearing the genuine concern in her voice, that makes it all spill out.
“I raised him, you know? Since Mom died. I was still a kid myself, but I tried to be everything for my siblings. Big brother, dad, whatever they needed. Especially Alex. I’m all he’s ever had. And most days, I think I did okay. Hell, I did a damn good job. But now, it feels like I’m failing him when he needs me.”
“You’re not failing him,” she says. “You’re trying. You care so much, I can see that. Everyone can.”
I swallow, my eyes starting to burn. “I wish Mom were still here. She’d know what to do. She always knew how to talk to us; she even knew how to get through to Dad. And now it’s just me, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
My voice shakes, but I keep going. “I’m supposed to be the strong one, but this morning, I felt useless. I mean, what am Ieven doing if I can’t protect him?”
Iris exhales on the other end, “Nate, listen to me. I never got to meet your mom, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that she wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over this. She would be so proud of you.”
That nearly undoes me, a few stray tears falling from my eyes. But Iris is right, I know she is.
Mom wouldn’t want me sitting out here blaming myself. She wanted us all to be happy and loved, and sometimes I guess I forget that includes me.
