“No,” he takes a step forward, making me take one back. “I’m not gonna stop saying it because last time I checked, you’re still my girlfriend.”
“Yeah, well, that ended when you misgendered me. When you asked if I have a—” I pause, not wanting to say the word. “I havesomeself-respect, Nate.”
“Dammit, Iris. I’m sorry!” He exclaims, frustration twisting his features. “I know that was fucked up of me to bring up, but I don’t know anything about being trans, I was trying to understand!”
“What aboutthatdo you need to understand?” I snap, hugging my arms tighter around myself, hating this line of discussion.
“That’s important shit to know about somebody you’re dating. How am I supposed to fuck you right if I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing?”
I blink at him, stunned. Hashelosthismind? “I’m not having sex with you.”
His eyebrows shoot up, evidently surprised by that, which is—
“What?” He asks, with what sounds like genuine distress.
“I’m not,” I tell him, even though I want nothing more than to be with him, to be normal. I’m never going to be, and clearly, he still doesn’t get that. “I don’t want that with you, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“Where the hell is this coming from? I know you ain’t ready yet, but you said some day—”
“I tried to touch you, and you said you’re not gay,” I tell him, recounting one of the worst moments of my life in the middle of my classroom, like it doesn’t break my heart all over again to say. “I don’t trust you anymore.”
I try to stay collected, but against everything in me, my eyes prickle with tears threatening to fall.
No, no, no.I can’t cry right now.
“Fuck, Darlin’, you got no idea how sorry I am about that.” He drags a hand through his hair, exhaling hard before he continues. “I know that was fucked up, and it’s not an excuse. But I was shocked. I’ve never met anybody trans before, and I was confused. But I’ve had time to think about it, and I know you think this is the end of the world, but I’ve been trying to tell you it’s not.”
I keep my gaze glued to the floor, fully aware that if I look at him, I’ll give in. At first, there’s nothing but silence, while he waits for me to say something. When I don’t, his shoes scuff against the tile as he moves closer.
Slow, like he knows not to push too hard.
“Iris,” he says, carefully. “That shit I said before? I wasn’t thinking. I was running my mouth, scared and acting stupid. I knew it was wrong the second it came out of my mouth. I’ve been feeling like the world’s biggest asshole since that night, you gotta believe me.”
“You should,” I mumble, squeezing my arms tighter around myself. I don’t want to be reminded of that night. It’s played through my head enough times to last a lifetime.
“I do. You got no idea how sorry I am. But I’m begging you to give me a chance to make it right.” I bite the inside of my cheek, keeping my gaze locked on his chest. I want to tell him it’s okay, but I’m not sure if forgiving him so easily is a betrayal of myself.
“We don’t gotta do anything if you don’t wanna. I know I don’t deserve you after what I did. But I love you.” My head jerks up, startled by those words. The last time he said them, I was too in my head to really hear them.
“We can wait as long as you need. Forever if you want. It don’t matter, Iris.” His hands hover near me, but he doesn’t touch me yet. “You’re my girl, and I’m gonna do whatever I can to prove that to you. No matter how long it takes.”
I’m nodding before I even make up my mind, the tears I’ve been holding in falling hot down my cheeks.
He closes the distance between us, all hesitation gone. His arms are strong around me as I bury my face into him, letting myself believe his words. Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I shouldstill be angry, but he said everything I’ve ever wanted to hear, and never thought I would.
He knows everything, and he loves me.
The image of him with Savannah in the hallway flashes through my head like a bucket of cold water, making my stomach twist. “But what about Savannah?” I ask, pulling away from him. “She was all over you.”
“She was bothering me about using the gym even though the band already has it after school. It was nothing, I swear.” He says, brushing the tears from my face with his thumb. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”
I want to believe him, but—
“Hell,” He adds, “she was practically throwing herself at me the other day, and all I could think about was Halloween.”
Halloween.
My face heats up instantly.
