PROLOGUE
HOLLY
Sometimes I think the day I met Becca is the day I became the new me. Or at least started the process.
Before walking into her self-defense class, I lived in a perpetual state of fear. It was with me when I woke up in the morning, while I brushed my teeth, while I rode the bus to my job, and even when I crawled into bed at night. Looking around corners, scanning crowds, checking behind me every few seconds…it was exhausting, both mentally and physically. It wasn’t just fear of him finding me, but fear of the unknown.
After seven years in an abusive marriage, I didn’t know how to decide for myself anymore. A trip to the grocery store would be simple for most people.
Not for me.
First was the checking and rechecking of my door to make sure it’s locked, then putting a tiny piece of tape at the bottom, so I could see if someone was in my apartment while I was gone. Then the walk to the bus, searching for signs of someone following me, while trying to avoid eye contact with every man I pass. Then the bus ride, trying desperately to get a seat at the back so I could see what was coming.
The grocery store itself was a whole other set of problems. Do I buy the brand of spaghetti sauce my husband likes? Because that was all that mattered in the past, thatheliked it. My taste, my preferences, my wants, were irrelevant to him. I didn’t even know what I liked anymore, so when I finally got out of the shelter and into my own place, I stuck with what I knew.
I wore dark clothes, because he told me they were slimming, because God forbid anyone see I was fat. I ate the same food because it was easier than trying to learn what I liked. And at night I sat in fear in my cheap apartment, worrying about what would happen when he found me.
When, not if.
So when I overheard a girl at work talking about going to the class, my first thought wasno way. But I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It felt like something outside of me was pushing me to go, even though it was wildly outside of my comfort zone.
I stayed in my box. I didn’t deviate.
Ever.
So why was I dressed in shabby workout clothes riding a bus towards the industrial area?
I stood outside for twenty minutes, talking myself into, and then out of, going in. But then a tall, strong, curvy, beautiful woman passed me, spinning to walk backwards. “You coming inside sunshine? I’m teaching self-defense tonight. I’ll teach you how to make a grown man cry.” She said with a bright smile and laughing eyes.
Yes. Yes, I am,I thought. But I only nodded and followed that magnetic woman inside. During that class, I fell a little bit in love. She seemed to focus on me, and I swear I felt bigger than five-foot-one in her presence, like her energy and confidence seeped into me. She treated me so kindly, and cheered me on so loudly, that I collapsed in my bed that night and sobbed.
Sobbed, because for the first time, I felt like someone truly saw me. She knew, somehow, how damaged I was, but she saw through that to me, to the person I didn’t even know was inside. The person who yelled when she punched the bag, imagining it was Brent’s face. The person who leaned forward each time Becca demonstrated a strike to the groin. Who mentally practiced that move the whole bus ride home.
Somehow, I was changed. On the outside, everything was the same. Brent was still out there looking for me. He wouldn’t ever stop. I knew that for sure. But I didn’t check the door as many times that morning. I didn’t check behind me as often, and when my disgusting, handsy boss tried to corner me the next day, I didn’t freeze. Those might be little things to other people, but to me, they felt monumental.
Somehow, in a matter of weeks, she became my best friend. And right after that, we were working together. She was leaving her job at a garage to work full time teaching martial arts and self-defense and needed someone to take over for her.
It felt…heaven sent.
I was so excited for my first day that I went to the thrift store and found a beautiful bright dress that made me feel lighter just looking at it. I didn’t want to wear those dark clothes for my fresh start.
As Becca introduced me around, I kept reminding myself that this was my fresh start, and no way would Becca ever let anyone hurt me here. She had a ‘low tolerance for bullshit’ as she put it, and wouldn’t tolerate working for men who were unkind or…other things. So I smiled, even if it was a little forced, and while I avoided shaking hands, no one seemed to mind.
Then she took me to meet Micah.
She’d warned me he didn’t talk much. And so my smile felt less forced as we approached. He sounded like a kind, quiet, gentle soul. We would get along great.
He was crouched down next to a half restored car, and I felt my cheeks heat when our eyes met. His beautiful brown eyes widened, and something like appreciation swept over his face as he gazed at me.
“Hi…Woah.” He breathed, making me blush and my smile widen. Something about him just drew me in, whether it was the kindness on his face or his obvious appreciation of me. Something made me put out my hand to shake his.
That’s where everything went wrong.
He rose, reaching for my hand, and I startled. I could tell he was quite a powerful man from the width of his shoulders, but as he stood, the sheer size of him overwhelmed me. He must have been at least six-and-a-half feet tall. I backed up in my surprise, tripping on something behind me, and suddenly Micah was there, his arms wrapped around me.
I panicked, memories of Brent’s restraining arms flashing through my brain.
I barely remember the next few minutes, other than Becca helping me calm down, and my quick apology to Micah. He was apologizing to me in sign, sorry he scared me. I do remember his surprise when he realized I understood ASL. I hoped I had smoothed my freak out over, and that we could pretend it never happened.
