“I was four, I think. She came back a few times. Dad would take her back each time she came home. She’d stay for a while, then leave again.”
His eyes darken. “Was she on drugs?” Of course he’d think that. His mom chose drugs over him every chance she got. Of course he’d think that’s why moms leave.
“No, she wasn’t as far as I know.” I sigh and prop my head in my hand, “I think she just wanted another life.” Kade’s thumb rubbing over my knuckles is soothing. “They met at a Jiu Jitsu tournament on the west coast. She was majoring in photography and was there to take photos. He always said he fell in love with her the second they met.”
“She didn’t feel the same?” he guesses.
“I honestly don’t know. I remember them being happy for a while. Dad had already started the Dojo in his hometown, so she moved out this way. She got pregnant pretty fast. I was born a little over a year after they met.”
I trace my fingers over the white lines on Kade’s knuckles. “I think she felt trapped after that. I don’t know if she ever wanted to be a mom. She had dreams of being a world-famous photographer, traveling to exotic places for shoots. Life in our town wasn’t exotic. It was boring, everyday family stuff.”
“Boring everyday family stuff sounds pretty great,” Kade says quietly. I nod slowly, looking at those stunning eyes. He’s lived such a hard life. Knowing what I know now, I have to agree.
“Yeah, it was.”
“Where is she now?”
“She’s a world-famous photographer.” I snort out a low laugh. “She travels the world. I see her name in magazines sometimes.”
Kade’s eyes are searching. “How do you feel about that?”
I smile and squeeze his fingers. “I don’t really feel much, to be honest. She sent flowers when Dad died. She sends me a birthday card every year. But I don’t really think about her anymore. I’m glad she left, you know? If she couldn’t love Dad the way he deserved to be loved, then good riddance. And I guess I’m glad she’s doing what she always wanted to do.”
“She didn’t love you the way you deserve either, Becca.”
I have to smile. “True. But honestly, I was so fucking lucky to have my dad. He was there for everything. He read books on puberty and bought period supplies, then explained everything to me.” I have to giggle. “You should have seen how red his face was. I don’t think he looked me in the eye for a week after that.”
Kade doesn’t look satisfied with my answer. “Don’t you wish she had stayed?”
My smile fades, and I slowly shake my head. “He took such good care of me, Kade. I can’t imagine my life any better if she had stayed. She is who she is. Unless she came back a completely different person, someone who desperately wanted to be a wife and mother, there was no way she would have made our world better.”
Kade’s nodding, looking lost in thought.
I squeeze his hand, drawing his attention back to me.
“My mom is alive and well in the world, living her best life. She made a choice. I understand where you’re coming from, though. I’m sure you’d do anything to have your mom back.”
Kade slowly drags his hand from mine and leans back in the booth. My hand sits on the table, extended and suddenly cold. I pull it back and tuck it in my lap. I’ve said something wrong, but I don’t know what landmine I’ve stepped on. I twine my fingers together in my lap, watching the shifting emotions on Kade’s face.
His eyes seem to skitter around the restaurant, not settling on anything. His shoulders are tight, the cords in his neck standing out in stark relief. I have the urge to apologize, to smooth things over, but I clench my teeth together to halt the words. I haven’t done anything wrong. I know that. But when he goes dark like this, I just want to make it better. Kade exhales a heavy breath, his eyes focused down at the table.
“I…I don’t know.”
“You don’t know…?” I prompt.
Kade’s mouth firms before admitting, “I don’t know if I’d want her back.”
I consciously relax my fingers and lean back in the booth, matching his posture. My silence forces his eyes to meet mine. I make sure my face doesn’t betray any feelings. This is not about me, and I know if I show anything on my face, he’s going to shut down.
Kade examines my face carefully and must be satisfied with what he sees because his shoulders lower slightly. He clears his throat and reaches to play with the salt and pepper shakers on the table. “My life without my mom was…easier in a lot of ways.”
“How?” I ask softly.
“I only had to worry about myself.” His smile is sad. “I worried about her so much, Becca. She’d leave for days, then come home so sick. I would go look for her. I sometimes found her. There’s an old lot she’d use to…earn the money she needed to buy drugs.”
My hands clench into fists at the way he said ‘earn.’ Jesus, the weight and sadness in that word alone feels like a hundred-pound weight sitting on my chest.
“There were some abandoned houses she’d go to so she could use, too.” He’s spinning both shakers. They look like miniatures from a child’s kitchen set in his large hands. “Sometimes I didn’t find her, and I’d have to scrounge for something to eat.” Kade laughs softly. “I got stuck in a dumpster once. I climbed the one behind the convenience store, but I didn’t realize it was mostly empty until I’d already flipped in. I sat in there all night until someone from the store found me and snatched me out. I ate three boxes of crushed Twinkies that night.”
