I sighed. “My brain is going fast all the time. Like lightning speed. You know how I am. I lose track of things, I disappear into articles and research, and it’s hard sometimes. Especially since, you know,” I swallowed, “I live alone.
“Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have another person who could make all the decisions so I don’t have to. And I could lie and tell you that was it, but it’s not. I’ve wanted something like that since I started having sex. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to worry about knowing what someone wants. I just want them to tell me to do something and then do it.”
“That’s fine,” Isolde said. “I love when Cade takes all the decisions from me.”
“There’s more. And I’m holding you bitches to our ‘no such thing as TMI’ pledge, because we’ll need it. Sometimes I just can’t focus enough to get there. I don’t think it’s the same way as you, Isolde. It’s like I want it, but I can’t keep myself interested. I’ve literally fallen asleep and woken up with my vibrator still next to me, and no orgasm in sight.”
Ocean snorted a laugh, and suddenly we were all laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. Isolde’s face turned redder than her hair as she gasped for breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m not laughing at you but imagining waking up with your vibrator like it’s a snake in your bed is fucking hysterical.”
I laughed with her because it was funny. Every time it happened I had to roll my eyes at myself.
“No, believe me, I get it. But like… the whole reason I told you that is because sometimes I just want to be held down so I have no choice but to enjoy it. So I don’t get distracted and fall asleep or forget what I’m supposed to be doing. And sometimes?—”
I cut myself off, and Ocean shook her head. “No. We’ve come this far. Keep going.”
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve had fantasies about being at someone’s mercy. Because I want to be there. Sometimes,” I swallowed, “I just want to be… used.”
The word hung in the air like a ticking bomb. I’d never said that out loud. Just like I’d never told anyone but the Breaker Pack how much I wanted it.
“And I know it’s weird and maybe wrong. Believe me, I get it. But knowing that doesn’t make the fantasies go away.”
A few seconds passed before Isolde asked. “Why would that be wrong?”
I shrugged, not looking at either of them. “I don’t know. But most people I know don’t want to be— I’m not sure how to explain it.”
“Just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean they don’t exist,” Isolde said. “And what you described really isn’t that uncommon, nowthat I’m getting to know people in the kinky community here. Just because something you want isn’t ‘normal,’ doesn’t mean it’s bad. And just because something is a fantasy doesn’t mean you’ll like it in real life, so there’s no reason not to try it.”
“That’s true.” I hadn’t thought about it that way.
My brain often defaulted to black and white. Without realizing it, I’d been treating this list as permanent and irrevocable, when I already knew it wasn’t. From what I’d learned about it since meeting Cade and also doing research, kink practiced in a healthy way could always be negotiated.
“But,” I said, “I still don’t want to overthink it. So let’s watch something first. Give the chocolate time to hit.”
Ocean shook her head, but she was smiling. “Fine.”
“If we can decide what to watch in under an hour,” Isolde muttered, sending us all into laughter once again.
“Okay, what’s next?” Ocean asked through her giggles.
The chocolates were in full effect, and it was exactly what was needed. I now had most of the list filled out with things I was interested in. Every time I put something as ‘absolutely yes,’ I wrote it down in my notes app. I was going to take pictures of the list too, but I wanted something condensed.
Bondage/Restraints
Worship
CNC
