“Ky, we were not on a break. I left your ass, remember? Plus, one of my guilty pleasures is watchingLove During Lock Up. Those people are crazy, and I’ll never understand how you can have so much faith in someone you’ve never met in person. My trust is too messed up for a prison pal. Because if you go a couple of days without calling me, I’m gonna assume you got shanked or you’re being bent over by Big Moose.” I shrugged.
“Laikyn, who the hell is Big Moose, and why would you say some shit like that?” Kyon roared with laughter, but I meant what I said.
“Alright, now. You got us up, and now you and your man are acting like you can’t go a second without each other. Come on!” China huffed with her arms folded.
“Let me go before I end up fighting my favorite cousin and burying her wig in the sand.”
“You wish. This glue is waterproof and durable. Don’t play with me.”
“You guys are hilarious. I don’t like any of my trailer trash cousins, and most of the people on my dad’s side don’t mess with me because my momma is white,” Roxy stated.
“Girl, it’s only like this with her. I don’t fuck with anyone else in our family,” I told her. We walked toward the bar on the strip.I don’t know what I imagined the Bahamas would look like, but it was more modern than I thought, and I loved it even more.
The bar was outdoors, so we took our seats in the shade. I was thankful I remembered to put on my sunscreen because the sun was showing no mercy. People thought black people didn’t need sunscreen, but they couldn’t have been more wrong. If I didn’t do anything else, I made sure to preserve and take care of my skin.
“I’ve had fun today, but I cannot wait to get back to the ship and wash my ass. I feel sticky as hell,” China complained.
“Yeah, the sun is cooking right now. I’m probably going to take a nap before dinner tonight,” I replied.
“What are your plans for dinner? I might need to tag along with y’all,” Roxy added, reminding me to ask her something.
“You’re more than welcome to come with us. Now, spill the beans. You’ve been chipper all day, and I know it’s not because of your husband. No offense,” I stated.
“Honestly, I don’t even know how I’m smiling either. Last night went from bad to worse, and I don’t even have the words to describe how confused I am. When we left dinner, Aaron couldn’t stop ranting about what happened with Kalvin. I guess they had a deal, and Kyon’s signing it was going to secure a promotion for both of them.
“Aaron will probably still get the promotion, but Kalvin was devastated. The two of them ended up staying out last night, and Aaron didn’t make it back in until after three in the morning. His phone went off last night, and it was a message from his assistant. She was going on and on about how she was tired of being in the background. Apparently, they’ve been messing around for a while, and he’s been promising to leave me for her.
“I should have been upset, but I’m numb to the pain. Aaron has been treating me like a doormat for far too long, and I no longer care what he wants. When I woke up this morning, Itook the kids to daycare and came back to get dressed. He asked where they were, and when I told him, he snapped. Normally, I would have given in and tried to compromise with him, but I’ve had enough.
“The day you helped me with my kids, something shifted in me. It was one thing to allow my husband to treat me like a servant at home, but it was a humbling experience to realize other people could see how horribly he treated me. My upbringing wasn’t the best, so I guess you could say Aaron picked me up from the streets and cleaned me off.
“At first, I thought it made me special that he helped me and gave me a life I never dreamed of, then I started to realize it came with a price. I no longer had the freedom to be myself or even figure out what that meant. When we started having kids, it only got worse because then he used them as an excuse for why I shouldn’t be able to have my own life.
“We got into an argument this morning because he said I was changing. Normally, I would have taken offense or tried to shrink myself to make him feel better, but I don’t care anymore. Him telling me I’ve changed was a compliment because I’m tired of being the woman I’ve been for all of these years. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but I never wanted it to be at the cost of myself. The fact that he’s been cheating on me was just the final straw. I’ve sacrificed everything to be the woman he wanted, and it still hasn’t been enough. Now, I’m going to work on becoming the woman I want to be.”
I could hear the conviction in her voice, and it made me feel a sense of pride. As women, we’re expected to carry all of the hats and perform thirty different tasks while wearing a smile on our faces. We weren’t afforded the same grace as men and were expected to hold the household together while maintaining a sense of self.
When I first got with Kalvin, he spoiled me with gifts. He acted like he supported my modeling career, but then he would make comments about how things would have to change when we got married. My traveling schedule no longer seemed appropriate, and he wanted me to cut down the jobs I accepted. Even when I made it clear to him I wanted to maintain my own career and have my own money, he insisted it wasn’t necessary. He wanted to dim my light, and it drove him crazy when he couldn’t get me to fall in line.
“I’m proud of you, Roxy. Too many women lose their identity in the titles they hold. You can be a mother and a bad bitch too. It’s all about balance,” China declared.
I nodded in agreement with her. I wanted to be the kind of mother who balanced it all without compromising in either role. I believed there should be a balance, otherwise it would bring resentment or animosity. My mother was a prime example. She only gave birth to me because she believed it would be financially beneficial to her. According to the gossipers in my family, she tried to trap a big-time music producer, and she believed her plan worked. Once she gave birth to me, he and his family demanded a DNA test, and it turned out I wasn’t his.
My mother was horrified because her plan backfired, and she no longer carried a meal ticket in her pocket. She hated me after that, and she no longer had a reason to keep me. People often asked me when I planned to have children, but the truth was, I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure.
A child wasn’t some cute bag or accessory you put on and take off because it’s fun. Motherhood was a major commitment, and it should be entered into with thoughtfulness and preparedness. I might carry my trauma well, but it didn’t mean it was nonexistent.
“Roxy, you deserve to have a life outside of your children, and no one should make you feel bad about choosing yourself. At theend of the day, if you don’t feel happy, whole, and fulfilled, you aren’t going to be able to give them the best version of yourself. Don’t ever feel guilty for needing some time to yourself. Society puts a stigma on women, but fathers never get the same heat.
“You are a mother, but you’re not just that, and you shouldn’t have to beg your husband to understand where you’re coming from. He couldn’t walk a day in your shoes, so his opinion should come secondary to yours. As far as him cheating, you’d better do him like Madea taught Lisa inMadea’s Family Reunion. Boil some grits and toss them on his ass,” I advised. Truthfully, I wanted to tell her that her husband was a pretentious prick who didn’t give a fuck about her needs. The fact that he was cheating with his assistant was on track for a man like him. They thrived off power and ego. If you weren’t willing to stroke their ego, they would find someone who would.
“I never thought I wanted to be a mother, but the way Keonte has been fucking me, I swear I heard the sound of a baby crying when he came in me last night. I’m trying to decide if I’m ready to turn in my baddie chain and pop out with a couple of kids in a few years, or if I should enjoy the moment and go back to being a dawg when I get back home.”
“Yeah, you still haven’t told us how the two of you hooked up. As cozy as the two of you seem, this doesn’t feel like a random vacation fling.” I pointed out. China’s face flushed with embarrassment like a child who had been caught stealing cookies from the kitchen.
“Well, it isn’t exactly random. Keonte and I used to mess around years ago,” China revealed.
“Excuse me? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?” I squealed as I clutched my chest.
