She shook her head no.
“Well, I’m sorry she never got to see you grow up and become this person before me. Because, you are. You’re so resilient and clever. You own your shit. That probably intimidates her.”
“I was never enough. And in the end, she saw no point in investing more time or money in me. She remarried. He never wanted to be a father—to me or anyone. And we haven’t talked since I went off to uni. And yeah I’m still in tons of debt from that, but I had no choice. I was going to finish my education.”
“Good. Well, that you finished your education. Not that she sees no value in you. I do. And, let me just say that if Lucy Ferguson and my motherbothsee value in you and John findsyouinvaluable, you are really, really good. Their expectations combined are crushing. Ask me how I know.”
Eloise gave my cheek a tender stroke. I pushed into it, kissing her hand. It was salty from tears wiped from her eyes.
“Thank you for saying that and not freaking out, Duncan. I don’t deserve?—”
I interrupted. “No. No. Do not say you do not deserve even a single thing. You deserve to be loved, appreciated, and respected. You must be proud of your accomplishments. Eloise, even putting aside the terrible things you do to me, I cannot help but feel downright gutted that you ever felt tossed aside or left out there.”
“Mo’s family helps. The Vincents have always taken me in. I am so grateful for their love. I truly believe they are my family, Duncan. It took some time, but I do have love.”
“I know. And they seemed like good people.”
“They are the best people. I am the child Constance never thought she would have. But she loves me all the same. Every birthday, every Christmas, every achievement, she showers me with the type of affection my mother never did. I hope if I ever have children, I can be half as good a mother.”
“I feel like that about my dad,” I admitted. “And sometimes I feel I have no business having children.”
“But youlovethem, Duncan. You adore them. I cannot imagine a person who would want children more than I think you probably do.”
“Eh. I do. I figured I’d be done having them by now. I wanted them with Vanessa. She wanted them, too. But she didn’t want to deal with my issues. Eloise, I will not deny that life with me is fucking messy and that you might pull your hair out. What I will say is that after the breakdown with Nessa and all of this, I would never let anyone trash you because of the sins of your parents. For better or worse, I would protect you. And you may not knowmy family well yet, but I can assure you my mother would smite them down.”
“So why didn’t Nessa feel safe?” She asked the million-dollar question.
I shrugged. “You would have to askher. My best guess after two years of soul-searching and a bit of therapy is that she never trusted me or my family. For whatever reason, she held back. And there was nothing more I could do to fix it. No matter how much she loved me, I couldn’t force it. So, I’m sorry if I freaked out. It’s… a sticking point.”
“I’m sorry I was combative. I try to push people away. I like to have everything neat and tidy rather than get into the mess.”
“Life is messy, Ella. Really fucking disastrous sometimes. And that’s okay. But don’t hide it from me. Yes, your job is to manage my nonsense. I adore and respect you for it. But here… I want to be a place you can go. I need you to be willing to open up to me. I promise to do right by you as you do right by me.”
Tears welled again. She smiled, though, almost bravely, and nodded.
“I have never loved anyone, Duncan. I don’t know what that all feels like and I don’t want to rush whatever the fuck we’re doing. Um… but just know that I am trying to remain open and it’s hard. But I want to. Because you make me feel special and cared for… and you’re right. Idodeserve it.”
I took her face into my hands and kissed her forehead. “You are worthy, Ella. And let me assure you, your background doesn’t frighten me or make me care less. It puts things into perspective, but none of it gives me pause. I want you to tell me things. I need that.”
51
GETTING SHORT
ELOISE
After debriefing with Duncan, I knew something grew within me. It wasn’t the game. It wasn’t banter that became easier by the day. It was something genuine. We could be vulnerable. But the vulnerability and heart-to-hearts made the reality of my work as his staff member and the credibility we had to maintain for that professional relationship difficult to stomach. The difference between our nights in my room and days spent on the road working grew starker.
This realization hit harder as I filed by Duncan on the plane, noting his pensive expression. He rubbed his temples and looked down.
I asked, “Would you like a tea?”
“A tea?” Duncan looked bothered.
He didn’t turn from his phone—the thing that had occupied him all morning.
“Yes, Duncan. Or a coffee?”
He waved me off like I was a mere servant. Perturbed, I crossed my arms and dug my feet into the plane aisle carpet. Sensing my derision, he looked up.
