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She doesn’t have to worry. I was so embarrassed about the whole thing, I am seriously considering never coming back to school at all, let alone on Monday.
I don’t see why I can’t be home-schooled, like the boys from Hanson. Look how they turned out.
HOMEWORK
Algebra: problems on pg. 129
English: describe an experience that moved you profoundly
World Civ: two hundred words on the rise of the Taliban in Afghanistan
G&T: Please
French: devoirs—les notes grammaticals: 141–143
Biology: central nervous system
ENGLISH JOURNAL
My Favorite Things
FOOD
Vegetarian lasagna
MOVIE
My favorite movie of all time is one I first saw on HBO when I was twelve. It has remained my favorite movie in spite of my friends’ and family’s efforts to introduce me to so-called finer examples of cinematic art. Quite frankly, I think that Dirty Dancing, starring Patrick Swayze and a pre–nose-job Jennifer Grey, has everything films like Breathless and September, created by supposed “auteurs” of the medium, lack. For instance, Dirty Dancing takes place at a summer resort. Movies that take place in resorts (other good examples include Cocktail and Aspen Extreme) are just plain better, I’ve noticed, than other movies. Also, Dirty Dancing has danc
ing. Dancing in movies is always good. Think how much better Oscar Award–winning films, like The English Patient, would be if they had dancing in them. I am always so much less bored at the movies when there are people dancing on the screen. So all I have to say to the many, many people who disagree with me about Dirty Dancing is: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
TV SHOW
My favorite TV show is Baywatch. I know people think it is very lame and sexist, but actually it isn’t. The boys are as scantily clad as the girls, and in the later episodes at least, a woman is in charge of the whole life-guarding operation. And the truth of the matter is, whenever I watch this show, I feel happy. That is because I know whatever jam Hobie gets into, whether it is giant electric eels or emerald smugglers, Mitch will get him out of it, and everything will be done to an excellent soundtrack, and with stunning shots of the ocean. I wish there was a Mitch in my life to make everything all right at the end of the day.
Also that my breasts were as big as Carmen Electra’s.
BOOK
My favorite book is called IQ 83. It is by the bestselling author of The Swarm, Arthur Herzog. IQ 83 is about a bunch of doctors who mess around with DNA, and they unwittingly cause an accident that makes everyone in the world lose a bunch of IQ points and start acting dumb. Seriously! Even the president of the United States. He ends up drooling like an idiot! And it’s up to Dr. James Healey to save the country from being populated by a bunch of overweight morons who do nothing but watch Jerry Springer and eat Ho Hos all day. This book has never gotten the attention it should receive. It hasn’t even been made into a movie!
This is a literary travesty.
Even later on Friday
What am I supposed to do about this stupid English journal assignment, Describe an experience that moved you profoundly? I am so sure. What do I write about? The time I walked into the kitchen and found my Algebra teacher standing there in his underwear? That didn’t move me, exactly, but it was certainly an experience.
Or should I talk about the time my dad spilled his guts about how it turns out I am the heir to the throne of the principality of Genovia? That was an experience, although I don’t know if it was profound, and even though I was crying, I don’t think it was because I was moved. I was just mad nobody had told me before. I mean, I guess I can understand that it might be embarrassing for him to have to admit to the Genovian people that he had a child out of wedlock, but to hide that fact for fourteen years? Talk about denial.
My Bio partner Kenny, who also has Mrs. Spears for English, says he is going to write about his family’s trip to India last summer. He contracted cholera there, and nearly died. As he lay in his hospital bed in that far-off foreign land, he realized that we are only on this planet for a short while, and that it is vital we use every moment we have left as if it were our last. That is why Kenny is devoting his life to finding a cure for cancer, and promoting Japanese anime.
Kenny is so lucky. If only I could contract a potentially fatal disease.
I am beginning to realize that the only thing profound about my life so far is its complete and utter lack of profundity.
Jefferson Market
The freshest produce—guaranteed
