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Um, no, you can call me Mia.
BB: Mia. Tell us about that day. The day life as you know it changed completely.
MR: Well, um, what happened was, my dad and I were here at the Plaza, you know, and I was drinking tea, and I got the hiccups, and everyone was looking at me, and my dad was, you know, trying to tell me I was the heir to the throne of Genovia, the country where he lives, and I was like, Look, I gotta go to the bathroom, and so I did, and I waited there until my hiccups stopped and then I came back to my chair and he told me that I was a princess and I completely flipped out and I ran to the zoo and I sat and looked at the penguins for a while and I totally couldn’t believe it because in the seventh grade they made us do fact sheets on all the countries in Europe, but I totally missed the part about my dad being prince of it. And all I could think was that I was going to die if people in school found out, because I didn’t want to end up being a freak like my friend Tina, who has to go around school with a bodyguard. But that’s exactly what happened. I am a freak, a huge freak.
[This is the part where she tries to salvage the situation:]
BB: Oh, Mia, I can’t believe that’s true. I’m sure you’re quite popular.
MR: No, I’m not. I’m not popular at all. Only jocks are popular in my school. And cheerleaders. But I’m not popular. I mean, I don’t hang out with the popular people. I never get invited to parties, or anything. I mean, the cool parties, where there is beer and making out and stuff. I mean, I’m not a jock, or a cheerleader, or one of the smart kids—
BB: Oh, but aren’t you one of the smart kids, though? I understand one of your classes is called Gifted and Talented.
MR: Yes, but see, G and T is just like study hall. We don’t actually do anything in this class. Except goof around because the teacher is never there, she’s always in the teachers’ lounge across the hall so she has no idea what we’re doing. Which is goofing off.
[Obviously still thinking she can make something out of this interview:]
BB: But I don’t imagine you have much time for goofing off, do you, Mia? For instance, we are sitting here in the penthouse suite that belongs to your grandmother, the celebrated dowager princess of Genovia, who is, I understand, instructing you in royal decorum.
MR: Oh, yes. She’s giving me princess lessons after school. Well, after my Algebra review sessions, which are after school.
BB: Mia, didn’t you have some exciting news recently?
MR: Oh. Yes. Well, I’m pretty excited. I’ve always wanted to be a big sister. But they don’t really want to make a big deal out of it, you know. It’s just going to be a very small ceremony at City Hall—
There’s more. A lot more, actually. It’s too excruciating to go into. Basically, I just babbled like an idiot for about another ten minutes, while Beverly Bellerieve frantically attempted to steer me back toward something resembling the actual question she’d asked me.
But it was completely beyond even her impressive journalistic abilities. I was gone. A combination of nerves and, I’m afraid to say, codeine cough syrup, put me over the edge.
Ms. Bellerieve tried, though. I have to give her that. The interview ended with this:
Ext. Thompson Street, SoHo.
BB: She’s not a jock, nor is she a cheerleader. What Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo is, ladies and gentlemen, defies the societal stereotypes that exist in today’s modern educational institutions. She’s a princess. An American princess.
Yet she faces the same problems and pressures that teenagers all over this country face every day . . . with a twist: One day, she’ll grow up to govern a nation.
And come spring, she’ll be a big sister. Yes, TwentyFour/Seven has discovered that Helen Thermopolis and Mia’s Algebra teacher, Frank Gianini—who are unmarried—are expecting their first child in May. When we come back, an exclusive interview with Mia’s father, the prince of Genovia . . . next on TwentyFour/Seven.
What it all boiled down to is that, basically, I’m moving to Genovia.
My mom, who finally came out toward the end of the tape, and Mr. G tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad.
But it was. Oh, believe me, it was.
And I knew I was in for it the minute the phone started ringing, right after the segment aired.
“Oh God,” my mother said, suddenly remembering something. “Don’t pick it up! It’s my mother! Frank, I forgot to tell my mother about us!”
Actually, I was kind of hoping it was Grandma Thermopolis. Grandma Thermopolis was infinitely preferable, in my opinion, to who it actually turned out to be: Lilly.
And boy, was she mad.
“What do you mean, calling us a bunch of freaks?” she screamed into the phone.
I said, “Lilly, what are you talking about? I didn’t call you a freak.”
“You basically informed the entire nation that the population of Albert Einstein High School is divided into various socioeconomic cliques, and that you and your friends are too uncool to be in any of them!”
