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The following exchange took place during Gifted and Talented (Mrs. Hill has returned to the teachers’ lounge—permanently, one can only hope) and included Michael Moscovitz, who, as you will see, did NOT ONCE mention Jo-C-rox or Rocky Horror:
Me: Lilly, I thought you found the modeling industry as a whole sexist and racist and belittling to the human race.
Lilly: So? What’s your point?
Me: Well, according to Hank, you helped him realize his dream of becoming a you know what. A model.
Lilly: Mia, when I recognize a human soul crying out for self-actualization, I am powerless to stop myself. I must do what I can to see that that person’s dream is realized.
[Gee, I haven’t noticed Lilly doing all that much to help me realize my dream of French-kissing her brother. But on the other hand, I have not exactly made that dream known to her.]
Me: Um, Lilly, I hadn’t noticed that you had a real foothold in the modeling industry.
Lilly: I don’t. I merely taught your cousin how to make the most of his God-given talents. Some simple lessons in elocution and fashion, and he was well on his way to landing that contract with Ford.
Me: Well, why did it have to be such a big secret?
Lilly: Do you have any idea how fragile the male ego is?
[Here Michael broke in.]
Michael: Hey!
Lilly: I’m sorry, but it’s true. Hank’s self-esteem had already been reduced to nothing thanks to Amber, Corn Queen of Versailles County. I couldn’t allow any negative comments to ruin what little self-confidence he had left. You know how fatalistic boys can be.
Michael: Hey!
Lilly: It was vital that Hank be allowed to pursue his dream without the slightest fatalistic influence. Otherwise, I knew, he didn’t stand a chance. And so I kept our plan a secret even from those I most cared about. Any one of you, without consciously meaning to, might have torpedoed Hank’s chances with the most casual of comments.
Me: Come on. We’d have been supportive.
Lilly: Mia, think about it. If Hank had said to you, ‘Mia, I want to be a model,’ what would you have done? Come on. You would have laughed.
Me: No, I wouldn’t have.
Lilly: Yes, you would have. Because to you, Hank is your whiny, allergy-prone cousin from the boondocks who doesn’t even know what a bagel is. But I, you see, was able to look beyond that, to the man Hank had the potential to become. . . .
Michael: Yeah, a man who is destined to have his own pin-up calendar.
Lilly: You, Michael, are just jealous.
Michael: Oh, yeah. I’ve always wanted a big picture of myself in my underwear hanging up in Times Square.
[Actually, I think that is something I would really enjoy seeing, but Michael was, of course, being sarcastic.]
Michael: You know, Lil, I highly doubt Mom and Dad are going to be so impressed by your tremendous act of charity that they’re going to overlook the fact that you skipped school to do it. Especially when they find out you’ve got detention next week because of it.
Lilly: (looking long-suffering) The most eleemosynary are often martyred.
And that was it. That’s all he said to me, all day. ALL DAY.
Note to self: look up eleemosynary
POSSIBLE REASONS MICHAEL WON’T ADMIT HE IS JO-C-ROX
1. He really is too shy to reveal his true feelings for me.
2. He thinks I don’t feel the same way about him.
