Autumn
I could feel Alice’s eyes on me, watching as I stirred another batch of herbs into a pot of boiling water. When I glanced up at her, I found her smiling yet again. She’d been grinning at me all afternoon, at everyone who’d come through the door, and her constant happy demeanor had rubbed off on me. Giving my head a small shake, I grinned back at her, feeling ... happy? God, could that be what this feeling was? I hadn’t felt like this in years. My last memory of this strange emotion was faint, a mere shadow now.
Even with my body a little sore and bruised, my heart felt light, and my head was much clearer than it had been in so very long. Every time I moved and the apex of my thighs would rub together, a shiver worked its way down my spine. It was a constant reminder of Eagle’s hands on my body, of him inside me, filling me completely. My biceps were tender where he’d held me—bruised me even—and although he’d tried in his own way to be gentle, he was still too rough. But that was who he was.
Biting down on my bottom lip, I looked away from Alice and closed my eyes as thoughts of this morning assaulted me. Eagle’s fingers digging into my skin, his hips pounding between my thighs, his bruising kisses that left me weak and filled with need.
Yes, he’d been rough and demanding, but I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Not one damn thing. We’d fit together so perfectly and, if anything, my body was rejoicing from his assault.
“There it is again.” Alice’s voice cut through my memories, sending them scattering off into the ether. Glancing up, I found her smiling again, and I flushed hotly.
“I know that expression,” she continued, waggling her brow. “Very well.”
I nearly giggled, but stopped short with a shake of my head. Needing a distraction, I moved away from the boiling herbs, grabbed hold of a pestle and mortar, and set to work on a batch of dried flowers. Soon enough my body temperature returned to normal as I watched the flower heads crumble and flake. It was a violent and destructive act, crushing the perfectly shaped petals and grinding them into dust. And yet, the violence of their destruction gave way to what really mattered and created something even better, something more important than beauty.
Upon their destruction, these once beautiful flowers would be used to soothe and heal. And there was nothing more beautiful than that. And in a way, it reminded me of Eagle and me.
I’d been beautiful once. I’d been happy and lighthearted, my only thoughts of my family and my future. I imagined Eagle had been beautiful once too. His eyes not quite so hard, his brow not so heavy, the lines on his face not nearly as pronounced. This world had crushed us, ground us to dust beneath its brutal heel.
Then something had brought us together. Fate or not, the dust that remained of us both had been brought together, creating something not quite whole, but healing, and no less beautiful.
“Oh, sweetie,” Alice said.
As I swiped away an errant tear sliding down my cheek, I glanced up to find her leaning over the table.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “I mean, I’ve heard that he can be ...” Her concerned expression turned to one of discomfort. “I’ve heard that he can be a little rough,” she finished on a whisper.
Wondering how she’d learned that, my cheeks grew hot. I knew about Liv, but were there others? And how many?
Shrugging, I swallowed back my jealousy and resumed grinding the flowers. “I’m okay,” I mumbled, instantly hating how upset I sounded. I wanted to be strong, strong enough for Eagle, not this skittish nervous wreck of a girl who was always second-guessing herself.
“I’m okay,” I repeated, stronger this time. Raising my chin, I met Alice’s gaze and offered her a smile. “I really am.”
Whatever Eagle’s past consisted of, unless he decided to share it with me, it was none of my business. I wasn’t going to let it taint the first stirrings of happiness I’d felt in a very long time.
Pressing her lips together, Alice studied me for a moment. “Yes,” she murmured, then smiled. “Yes, you are, aren’t you? Of course you are.”
Her smile growing, she shook her head. “After you’d left with Jonah, E showed up here demanding to know where you were. I thought for sure he was going to lose it and wreck the place. Wreck me, even. Sweetie, he was so worried about you, scared too. Sure, he tried hiding it. No man, and definitely notthatman, shows any sort of weakness around here, especially not over a woman. E has the best poker face there is, but I saw it—I saw him. He cares about you. Deeply, is my guess.”
I stared at her, somewhat shocked and unsure how to respond. I’d known he was upset, but I supposed I really hadn’t known to what extent.
Seeing my expression, Alice chuckled softly. “Don’t be afraid of his feelings,” she continued. “In a world like this, it’s normal to latch onto whatever good comes your way. Embrace it, is my advice, cherish it, because ...” Her smile slipping, she looked away and blinked several times. “Because you never know when it’s going to be ripped away from you.”
Turning away, Alice moved toward the shelves lining the back wall and began pulling down small bottles. “Don’t push him, though,” she said over her shoulder.
“Push him?” I asked, frowning.
“For more than he can give.”
I stared at her back, unsure how to respond, my thoughts still ablaze with the knowledge that Eagle had acted so irrationally after finding me gone.
“Jonah was married before,” she said. “Married with kids and a grandkid on the way. He still can’t talk about them, and I don’t push him.”
Setting down her bottles, she turned to face me. “I don’t know much about E, only bits of gossip here and there, but I do know a broken man when I see one. All that anger is hiding some very real pain. And I’m sure he’ll give you what he can, but we all have limits, you know? Some of us won’t ever truly recover.”
“I don’t want to fix him,” I said quietly. The thought had never even occurred to me. I just wanted to be with him. To be strong and sturdy and survive by his side.
“I’m not saying he can’t make you happy.” Alice continued as if she hadn’t heard me. “I’m just warning you not to wish for things that are no longer possible.”
