“It started before that.”
He inhales sharply. “When?”
“It took me a long time to get adopted.”
The words are simple, but they contain a world of pain. There’s no culpability in them. Just a fact. And it’s the worst fact about me. Immutable. Unchangeable. The thing I try to never think about, because honestly, how embarrassing is it to carethat muchabout something that happened to you so many years ago, so much so that it shapes everything you’ve ever thought about yourself?
“Katie,” he whispers. His voice is heartbroken. Devastated. For me. Because of course it is. He’sTristanand he cares about others sometimes more than he cares about himself, and god, I love him for it.
“It’s fine.” I squeeze his hand.
“It’s not fine.” His voice is fierce and ragged with all the emotion I never let myself feel where this topic isconcerned. “Don’t try to sugarcoat it. I hate when you do that.”
My gaze darts to his. He looks as wrecked as he sounded just now, and the tiniest of fissures cracks across my composure. I blink, fast and wide-eyed, my lip trembling.
“You don’t need to be okay with me, Katie. You should know that by now.”
“Okay.” I take a shaky breath and look away. I am crumpling inside. “It is inconceivable to me that someone would pick me. I’ve seen the proof, Tristan.” I force the words out before he can argue with me. “There’s just something about me. I’m too quiet, too weird, too awkward for the girls, and yet somehow not enough for the boys either. I love myself, but vanishingly few people love me enough to keep me. You’re one of those people.” I rush on, before he can focus too much on what I’m admitting. My heart is pinching now. “It would kill me if you didn’t choose me, Tristan. I can’t afford to justgive it a gowith you or try this out because you have to marry. For me, this would be everything. You mean too much to me.”
“I am going to yell at you later,” he whispers harshly.
I lay my head on his shoulder, feeling oddly protective of him. He’s tense, like he’ll shatter under me. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’m breaking his heart.
“Why do you keep thinking I won’t choose you?”
His words are quiet, but they arrow straight to my heart.
“I have for years, Katie,” he continues. I can feel him shuddering under my cheek. “Look at me.” His thumb tilts my head up until we are nearly nose to nose.
His gaze is fierce and hungry as he cups my jaw. “It’s my turn. I’m going to tell you something and you have to listen.”
My mouth is too dry to speak, so I nod.
“I want you,” he says simply. “Forever. I am not willing to give you up. You will have to kill me first.”
The words drop through me, crystalline and pure. Simple. The emotion behind them so raw and honest that my hands tremble.
“Tristan,” I breathe.
His lips flatten briefly, before he seems to shake himself. “Actually, I want to rephrase that.”
My pulse accelerates. It feels like he’s retracting his declaration just seconds after making it.Proof, my brain shouts. I try to pull my hand away, but he grips it.
He seems to be talking himself up for something. His eyes close briefly. His breath is shaky. “Actually, I’m in love with you.”
“What? You’rewhat?” I feel like I can’t breathe.
He’s squeezing my hand so hard it hurts. “I am desperately in love with you.” He pushes the words out, fast. His pupils are blown. I can feel his pulse in my hand. “I’ve never felt like this before. It took me forever to recognize it. I am so terribly sorry, Katie. I proposed and I offered you half of what you need.” He flips our palms, brings them to his lap. “Of course you said no.”
He knows how I feel.
“You knew?” I croak. I’m not elegant, and I should probably be kissing him or confessing my feelings, but I feel so damn out of my depth. I feel the exact way I did as a kid—David offering me his hand, Tristan offering me a birthday present, and me, terrified, that it would be a joke. For me, it would be the world. For them, just another gesture.
I have only told one person in the whole world that I loved them, and it took meyearsto admit it.
My heart feels like it’s been pulped. Tristan’s gaze is crawling over my face. His head tips slowly to the side.
“Knew what?”
