“I don’t know,” I exclaim. “It felt good. I guess?”Better when I danced with Tristan, though.“Can I ask you guys something?”
“Shoot,” Emory says from where her face is smashed into her towel.
“Tristan said something last night.” I worry my lip briefly before continuing. “He said feeling sexy is the first step to having good sex. Do you agree with that?”
Sienna sits up slowly, magazine forgotten.
“Yes,” she says. “That’s not how I’d put it, but broadly, yes.”
“It definitely helps,” Emory chimes in. “Feeling sexy means you feeldeservingin my mind.” She turns her head to look at me. “You know all those stupid magazines that talk aboutways to give him pleasure?”
I nod, having seen countless magazines like that on drugstore shelves when I was younger and hiding them under my bed so David wouldn’t see.
“Those magazines have it all wrong. It should be mutual. And frankly, given how much crap like that we’ve been forced to ingest and how much bad sex we’ve all had, we should all be a little more selfish. Feeling sexy means you’re way more likely to ask for what you want, and it means you’re less likely to settle.”
“Amen.” Sienna is nodding.
The pit in my stomach says I’ve been settling. That maybe I haven’t felt like I deserved to reach for more. Reaching for more might mean being bold enough to upset people.
I swallow and look out at the water. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexy.”
When I look back at my friends, I can see them trying to hide expressions of shock.
“Relax, you two. I’m not upset about it. Well, not that upset. I guess I just didn’t know what I was missing.”
“Do you want to feel sexy?” Sienna’s head is cocked. “Because you’re extremely hot and I won’t hear a word otherwise.”
“I do.” The words slip out of me. “Is that dumb?”
“No way. It’s a mindset thing, mostly. You wear what you want and you do what you want and you love yourself.” Shegrins triumphantly. “Voilà. Sexy. For me that’s backless dresses and pink hair. This month, at least.”
“I’m not like you,” I exclaim. “I don’t even know where to start. Aren’t you worried about people judging you?” I can’t help the little jump of fear in my stomach when I think about being the center of attention. Living loudly like Sienna does. Beingseen.
Sienna’s expression darkens. “The whole world tells us to be less. Quieter. Softer. Take charge. Lean in. Oh no, not that much. Wear a dress, but not that one. Look feminine, but not like you’re trying.” She leans forward. “Everyone will have an opinion. Everyone, forever, for the rest of your life. They’ll try to tell you that you should be one way, when in your heart you want to be another. Why lower yourself to meet their expectations? Be exactly who you want to be. Because the world will ask you to change either way.” She shrugs. “The way I see it, if you do whattheywant, everyone ends up disappointed. If you do what you want, at least someone is happy.”
“Bravo,” Emory says quietly before she squeezes my knee. “So how did dancing make you feel?”
“Awkward, then giddy and a little out of control,” I say slowly. “I was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I think that was Tristan’s goal.”
Sienna grins. “So you were treated to the Tristan Prince School of Dance?”
Emory turns her head. “He’s good?”
“Really good,” I admit. “I had no idea.” And I had no idea how it would make me feel. Like my insides were sugar, melting as his hands climbed my hips.
“Is that not weird? Dancing with him?” Emory asks.
Sienna nudges her magazines aside and pillows her head on her hands while I think.
“No. Not weird. Just…different.” I bite my lip while I think about how different things were last night.Special. It felt like a date with Tristan, not with Cary.
“I don’t understand.” Sienna props up her chin. “You guys spend likeallof your time together, right?”
“A lot of it. We run together and he drops by the security center when he’s not working and we watch movies and…what?” My words trail off at the way Sienna is smiling.
“You spend all of your time together and you danced with him and you claim it wasn’t weird. I just—I don’t get it.”
“You don’t have male friends,” Emory says knowingly.
