Nick squirms, his cheeks burning.
That’s just…
He isn’t like that…
“Gabe, be nice,” Lindsay scolds, because she’s his favorite. She reaches across her husband, taking Nick’s hand in hers. “Nick, baby, you have to admit that this is probably not going to go well for you.”
Wow.Okay, he takes that back, they’re both terrible friends. “Why not?” he retorts hotly. “It’s not like I haven’t ever done casual sex before.”
“Screwing strangers in club bathrooms is not the same thing,” Marco counters.
Rude.
“Look, it doesn’t matter. My terrible life choices are my own to make, I don’t need your judgement. And for the last time, I don’t have a crush on Matt,” he lies. “It’s just… this is convenient. Safer than screwing strangers in club bathrooms,” he adds with a pointed look. “It’s casual, for both of us. For all I know Matt has a fuckbuddy in every city the band plays in.”
He says this with a straight face, refusing to give away how queasy the idea makes him feel.
“I just hated lying to you guys.” It felt like lying, anyway, to keep them in the dark. “And I might need your help for cover.”
“Yeah, man, we’re always in your corner,” Marco agrees without hesitation. “Even if we think it’s going to end badly.”
“Thanks,” says Nick with a wry twist to his lips. “Look, whatever, it’s happened, and this is where I’m at. Now you can stop looking at me with those goddamn laser-eyes.”
“Laser-eyes?” Marco repeats, incredulous. Nick nods.
“Like you’re staring into my fucking soul, man.”
Marco snorts, shoving him away affectionately. “You’re ridiculous.”
That’s how they finish getting ready for the morning—bickering like children while they cook quick omelets, Lindsay watches in exasperation. She catches Nick by the elbow when Marco disappears to change his shirt.
“Are you sure about this, with Matt?” she asks plainly. “Because this isn’t like you. And I gotta say, after seeing the way he looked at you at the concert… it doesn’t seem like his kinda deal, either.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Nick denies immediately, though his heart stutters. How was Matt looking at him at the concert? “It was his idea.”
“Hmm.” It’s a doubtful noise, but Lindsay doesn’t follow it up with anything. Instead, she squeezes his arm. “I just don’t want you getting yourself hurt, okay? I’m glad that you’re starting to move on from Connor, but… I worry you’re getting in over your head. Deny it all you want, I know how much you like this guy.”
“Linds,” Nick groans, wrapping his arms around her and propping his chin on her shoulder. “I’mfine. Let me get laid by a hot guy in peace, okay? It’s not a big deal.”
“Itisa big deal and you know it.” Marco appears out of nowhere, glomming onto Nick from behind. “I’veneverseen you get like this over a guy. Even LaPorte, and you were in love with him up until like a month ago.”
“I don’t think I was,” Nick retorts. He feels both Marco and Lindsay tense.
“Nick…”
“No, hear me out,” he insists, pulling out of the group hug so he can face them both. It’s been in the back of his mind for weeks now, and Nick thinks he’s finally ready to voice those thoughts.
“I think maybe I actually haven’t been in love with him for years.” It makes him wince, to say it out loud. “I just… I wanted to be. Because it was easier, y’know? If I was in love with him then I didn’t have to deal with… with being gay, in the NHL. Trying to date.” His voice still shakes when he says the word. “I wasn’t allowed to be happy, because I ruined his life.”
“Okay that’s justnot true?—”
“But I think I was just, like, using that as an excuse?” Nick continues, ignoring Marco. “Like, if I said that I wasn’t happy because I didn’t have Conn then I could pretend it wasn’t because I just… wasn’t happy?”
Loving Connor was the only thing he knew how to do for a long time. It kept him safe—as a teenager, so terrified of his own desires and what it meant for his future as an athlete that Connor loving him back felt like absolution. Then later, when he was young and alone with the weight of an entire franchise resting on his shoulders, keeping that spark alive in the hollow of his heart was the only thing that made all the lies feel remotely worth it.
“I think… I think I couldn’t really process it until I saw Conn again. Like, now that I knowhe’sokay,I’mallowed to be okay, y’know? Because I couldn’t do it without him. And it got allmixed up in my head till I thought I needed to bewith himto be okay. But I don’t.”
He sucks in a deep breath, eyes open and glassy as they bore right into Marco’s. “I don’t need Connor LaPorte to be in love with me to be okay,” he declares like a revelation. Then he grins. “Shit, if I had a therapist they’d be so proud of me right now.”
