“Oh my God, why does no one think I’m capable of independent thought?” Nick grumbles. “Even before everything went to shit, Matt wasn’t putting pressure on that. He said it’s not a dealbreaker for him.” He shakes his head like he’s trying to rid himself of a bad thought. “Not that it matters much, now.”
“Hey, man, don’t give up hope,” Marco scolds gently. “You guys will work things out.”
A lump rises in Nick’s throat, and he swallows hard. “Yeah, maybe.” It comes out dismissive. “But it’s like… Matt or no Matt, people are always gonna be digging into my private life, right? That’s just how shit is, with the internet and everything these days. People are already making assumptions. And it’s never going to stop.” It’s been a constant of his career, every comment piling up like drops of water in a reservoir that’s ready to burst its banks; a hundred assholes like Bam-Bam, at every rink he’s skated on. “Whether I’m with Matt, or—” He falters, unable to evenvoicethe possibility of an alternative. “I—I don’t want to be alone until I retire.” His voice trembles with the admission, a weight lifting off his chest. It’s terrifying towant, but God, it’seven harder to pretend he doesn’t. “And if I’m gonna live my life with… with someone, people are gonna find out, and I don’t—It’s worse, somehow, wondering if each new person who clocks me is gonna be the one who tells the world. And I don’t… I don’t like the idea of that being out of my hands.”
In the past, anyone who might have outed Nick would never have had any proof. The only person who knew for sure about him and Connor was Connor himself, who would’ve been throwing both of them under the bus to say anything. Same with any of the other players he hooked up with over the years. And as for strangers in bars, would anyone have actually believed them without evidence, if Nick denied it? People lie about sleeping with hockey players all the time. Nick’s been taking advantage of just that for his entire career.
“Fucking control freak,” Lindsay murmurs fondly. She swings her legs around so she can lean up against Nick’s side, a comforting weight and the underlying scent of cinnamon sugar. “No one can make this decision but you, honey,” she says. “But whatever you want to do, we’re with you.”
“We’ve got you, kid,” Marco agrees, shuffling up to stretch his long arms around them both. “Hell, you’ve got more silverware than the rest of our team combined. They can’t exactly sweep you under the rug. But… there’s no going back, if you do it.”
“I know.” Nick hums, biting his lip. “I have this plan. That I’ve been thinking about. And I don’t know if I can even pull it off.” It’ll require a hell of a lot of bravery, from a lot of people.
“Just promise me something,” Lindsay says, quiet and serious. Nick raises an eyebrow at her, and her lips purse. “Promise me you aren’t thinking about this because you want to win Matt back. It has to be foryou.”
His eyes burn at the implication that Mattneedswinning back, like Nick has been lost already. But he nods, jaw tight. “It is,” he promises, and it’s not a lie.
He is a star of the sport. He’s maybe not up there with the likes of Crosby and Ovechkin, but he’s kind of a big deal. He has a lot of fans, a lot of kids with posters of him on their wall. A lot of young hockey players insisting they want to grow up to be just like him. It sounds egotistical, maybe, but it’s a fact. Nick knows how popular he is.
And he knows what it would have meant, when he was thirteen and terrified of the feelings he was only just figuring out how to name, to see somebody as famous and popular andadmiredas him stand up and say that those feelings should not exclude him from the sport he loves. That it’sokayto feel that way. That he feels that way too.
It would have been everything. And Nick’s too much of a coward to be a spokesperson, too much of a jackass to be a role model, but… someone has to start, right?
If nothing else, he never again wants to feel the fear that Bam-Bam made him feel. Like his career, hisprivacy, is in someone else’s hands.
He clears his throat, blinking back his tears to focus on his two best friends. “I want to do it, even if he never talks to me again.” His determination is audible, and they don’t protest. “But if I’m gonna do it, I need to talk to a couple people. And Sofia.”
Marco stares at him quizzically. “What does my sister have to do with this?”
“Well, that’s the thing.” Nick bites his lip, wondering how best to explain what he’s been thinking. “It’s kind of a… project.”
It might be stupid. But if they can make it work, it could change everything.
Chapter Twenty-Four
[Image description: A crumpled paper setlist. There are doodles on the paper, mostly of broken hearts and crying faces.]
STICKS+STONES
NYC 3/16/23
Designated Breakdown Hours
(No Crying Before Noon)
Old Enough to Know Better
Boxes
Store-Bought Stability
Chrysalis
Heads Up
Skin to Skin
Your Fists in My Face
