Despite the circumstance, Oscar liked this man. He’d done everything he could to get Aaron all the necessary appointments scheduled as soon as possible, and although it had taken a longer time than either of them would have liked to be called in for these results, Oscar knew there was no helping that.
Dr. Andrews had explained that several specialists would have to be consulted to make such a diagnosis, that it was safer than any other option, and Aaron had agreed.
“How are you feeling? How has your mood been?” he asked.
“Not bad.” Aaron cleared his throat, sitting on his usualchair and relegating Oscar to the other. “I’ve been calm, but my mood hasn’t been great.”
“It’s natural when you’re waiting for these kinds of results, but I’m glad you’ve been calm. Before I can give you the official answer, I do have some questions to ask you, just to tick a few boxes and make sure I’m on the right track here.”
The doctor tapped his fingers on the cardboard file that sat in front of him. Oscar had the urge to rip it from underneath his hands, to open it and read the verdict. This felt like a chopping block, and Oscar wanted to be done with it.
But Aaron nodded, his hand leaving Oscar’s grip and sliding instead down his thigh, rubbing the thick fabric of his blue jeans. Oscar had worn these to the clinic that day. They’d brought him such luck.
“Have you been under any stress recently?” the doctor asked. “Beyond what’s normal. Do you recall anything new, anything that you’ve had to get used to? Maybe some changes in your life. Details you might have forgotten to mention while we were testing.”
“Good changes,” Aaron replied. The tip of his tongue slid out, wetting his lips as he frowned. Oscar wanted to smooth the lines on the bridge of his nose, to take off his glasses and kiss him on the crease.
“Nothing negative?” The doctor pursed his lips.
“Work,” Oscar murmured as Aaron began to shake his head.
“Right.” Aaron’s frown dropped. “Yes. I…a few months ago, I lost a source of steady income. I do temp work, mostly, and in September, I was let go.”
“How did that affect you? Have you been worried about it?” Dr. Andrews played with a blue ballpoint pen that reminded Oscar of exams, of the results he’d just received and couldn’t care less about.
“I’ve managed to find a bit of casual work here and there recently,” Aaron explained. “But, yes, of course.”
“Did it impact your ability to eat and take care of yourself on a day-to-day basis?” The doctor stopped spinning his pen, setting it down on the file. He tilted his head low, blue eyes glimmering over the thick rimless lenses of his glasses. Oscar glanced at Aaron, marked his pink cheeks. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Aaron. We’ve all had circumstances that we didn’t like.”
“I’ve actually had a lot of support, though,” Aaron said. “My roommates only charged me what I could afford for rent, and my top surgery was paid in full, so I didn’t have debts to settle. And then I moved in with my fiancé.”
The word sent a ripple of warmth through Oscar, like oozing caramel after the first bite of a Snickers bar. It had been Papa’s favorite chocolate. Oscar had only ever seen him have it at Grandma’s. He hadn’t understood back then how much it cost to keep a house running, to take care of a child always about to break and make the other one feel seen. He hadn’t understood that when you loved someone, you’d gladly scrape the soles of your feet on coals to make sure they had a spare pair of sandals.
“Are congratulations in order, then?” Dr. Andrews smiled at each of them.
“That depends,” Aaron replied, shrugging. “But, yes, I’ve had a lot of support. I’m very grateful.”
It should have blanketed Oscar, but he didn’t like it on Aaron’s mouth. Grateful for what? It was Oscar’s job to take care of him, Oscar’s job to be the pillar that held him up, to lie down on the ground and be the foundations of what they wanted to build together.
“You have nothing to be grateful for,” Oscar blurted out. He’d get wrinkles if he kept frowning like this all the time, but Oscar would know true gratefulness then, because Papahad never been allowed any. “I’m your partner. It isn’t charity.”
“Yes, but it isn’tfair.” Aaron drew in a shaky breath, tooth snagging on his lower lip as the truth came tumbling out. “Oscar, I know we haven’t really talked about it much, but I don’t like depending on you for everything. I don’t like watching you struggle between classes and working almost full-time hours to keep up with the electric, begging your friends for loans to pay my medical bills…”
“It isn’t fair that you lost your income because I couldn’t hold it together for five minutes, either,” Oscar replied.
A foreign thing passed across Aaron’s eyes, tilting his head to the side as he jerked back.
“Have you been holding onto that all this time? Have you been carrying it?” Aaron asked, his voice barely a whisper.
“I will be carrying it forever,” Oscar said, eyes darting down to the folder, the only thing he could bear to look at, the one thing he wished didn’t even exist.
“Hey…” Aaron reached for Oscar’s hand, taking it. Swallowing was harder than existing in this moment, and Oscar had struggled his entire life with existence. “Spike.”
In the end, he didn’t need to swallow to find Aaron’s face. His boyfriend was smiling. Even in this ugly office with this ugly possibility looming before them, Aaron was smiling at him. Hisfiancé.
“What?” Oscar murmured.
“I don’t blame you for any of it. You know that, right? I might be freaking out a little over all the money you’ve spent. I’m used to being self-sufficient. But what happened that day is not on you. And I’m a stubborn ass who wants to be independent all the time, but I like that you want to take care of me. I just want to be able to take care of you too. Hmm?”
