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As awkward as THAT chat had been (I was not contemplating using my Christmas money for breast-enhancement surgery: I was contemplating using my Christmas money for a complete set of Shania Twain CDs, but of course I couldn’t ADMIT that to anyone, so my mom naturally thought it was something to do with my boobs), the one we had today really takes the cake as far as mother/daughter talks go.
Because of course today was THE mother/daughter talk. Not the “Honey, your body is changing and soon you’ll have a different use for those sanitary napkins of mine you stole to make into beds for your Star Wars action figures” talk. Oh, no. Today was the “You’re fifteen now and you have a boyfriend and last night my husband caught you and your little friends playing Seven Minutes in Heaven and so I think it’s time we discussed You Know What” talk.
I have recorded our conversation here as best I could so that when I have my own daughter I can make sure NEVER, EVER to say any of these things to her, remembering how INCREDIBLY AND UTTERLY STUPID THEY MADE ME FEEL WHEN MY OWN MOTHER SAID THEM TO ME. As far as I’m concerned, my own daughter can learn about sex from the Lifetime Movie Channel for Women, like everybody else on the planet.
Mom:
Mia, I just heard from Frank that Lilly and her new friend Jambo—
Me:
Jangbu.
Mom:
Whatever. That Lilly and her new friend were, er, kissing in our hall closet. Apparently, you were all playing some sort of make-out game, Five Minutes in the Closet—
Me:
Seven Minutes in Heaven.
Mom:
Whatever. The point is, Mia, you’re fifteen now. You’re pretty much an adult, and I know that you and Michael are very much a couple. It’s only natural that you’d be curious about sex… perhaps even experimenting—
Me:
MOM!!!! GROSS!!!!!!!!!
Mom:
There’s nothing gross about sexual relations between two people who love each other, Mia. Of course I would prefer it if you waited until you were older. Until you were in college, maybe. Or your mid-thirties, anyway. However, I know only too well what it is like to be a slave to your hormones, so it’s important that you take the appropriate precau—
Me:
I mean, it’s gross to talk about it with my MOTHER.
Mom:
Well, yes, I know. Or rather, I don’t know, since my own mother would have sooner dropped dead than have mentioned any of this to me. However, I think it is important for mothers and daughters to be open with one another about these things. For instance, Mia, if you ever feel that you need to talk about birth control, I can make you an appointment with my gynecologist, Dr. Brandeis—
Me:
MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! MICHAEL AND I ARE NOT HAVING SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom:
Well, I’m glad to hear that, honey, since you are a bit young. But if the two of you should decide to, I want to make sure you have all your facts straight. For instance, are you and your friends aware that diseases like AIDS can be transmitted through oral sex as well as—
Me:
YES, MOM, I KNOW THIS. I AM TAKING HEALTH AND SAFETY THIS SEMESTER, REMEMBER?????
Mom:
Mia, sex is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is one of the basic human needs, such as water, food, and social interaction. It is important that if you choose to become sexually active, you protect yourself.
Oh, you mean like you did, Mom, when you got knocked up by Mr. Gianini? Or by DAD?????
