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Me: Lilly! Let go!
Lilly: Seriously. I need to talk to him. Mom changed her password again and I can’t get into her e-mail.
Me: You shouldn’t be reading your mother’s e-mail anyway!
Lilly: But how am I going to know what she’s telling people about me?
Here is where I finally managed to wrench the phone out of her hands.
Me: Uh, Michael. I’m going to have to call you back. After school. Okay?
Michael: Oh. Okay. Hang in there. Everything’s going to be fine.
Me: Yeah. Right.
It’s easy for HIM to say everything’s going to be all right. Everything IS going to be all right. For HIM. HE no longer has to be incarcerated in this hellhole for eight hours a day. He gets to take fun classes about how the polar ice cap is going to melt and we’re all going to die, while I get to walk down the hall with twenty million posters of Lana Weinberger beaming down at me, going, Loser! Loser! Princess of what? Oh yeah! Loserville!
As we left the cafeteria to go put on lip gloss before our next class, I saw Ramon Riveras, the handsome new exchange student, demonstrating Brazilian ball-handling technique to Lana and some fellow members of the AEHS varsity boys’ soccer team, all of whom were paying rapt attention (good thing, too, since last year they didn’t win one single game). Only instead of a ball, Ramon was using an orange, batting it back and forth between his feet. He was saying something, too, but I couldn’t understand a word, whatever it was. The other members of his team looked confused, too.
I saw Lana nodding like she understood, though. She probably did, too. Lana is very familiar with all things Brazilian. I know because I’ve seen her naked in the shower.
Wednesday, September 9, still G&T
Mia. Let’s make a list.
No! Lilly, leave me alone! I have too many problems right now to make a list.
What problems? You don’t have any problems. You’re a princess. You’re not flunking Algebra. You have a boyfriend.
That’s just it! I have a boyfriend, but apparently he expects me to—
To what?
Never mind. Let’s make a list.
LILLY AND MIA RATE THE REALITY SHOWS
Survivor: Lilly: A sickening attempt by the media to draw viewers by pandering to the lowest common denominator and appealing to the public’s enjoyment of watching others being exploited and humiliated. 0/10
Mia: Yeah. And who wants to watch people eat bugs? Ew!!!! 0/10
Fear Factor: Lilly: Ditto. 0/10
Mia: More bugs. Yuck. 0/10
American Idol: Lilly: This show is entertaining—if your idea of being entertained is watching young people being ridiculed for attempting to share their talents with the world. 5/10
Mia: Having had my own dreams crushed all too recently, I am not a fan of watching other people get theirs stomped on. 2/10
Newlyweds:
Nick and
Jessica: Lilly: If watching the pathetic ramblings of an uneducated chanteuse who doesn’t know the difference between chicken and tuna is your idea of a good time, please feel free to watch this show. I won’t try to stop you. 0/10
Mia: Jessica is not dumb, just inexperienced! She’s FUNNY. Also, Nick is hot. Best show EVA! 10/10
The Bachelor/ette: Lilly: Who cares about two stupid people getting together? All they’ll end up doing is having kids, and then there’ll be more stupid people on this planet. And we’re encouraging them by watching this show! Disgraceful. 0/10
