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Plus a lot of them have very scary parts, and scary movies have completely screwed with my psyche. Seriously. I think scary movies are responsible for half, if not more, of my neuroses.
TOP 20 WAYS SCARY MOVIES
HAVE MESSED ME UP:
1) I can’t see chairs pulled away from the table without thinking of Poltergeist and having to push them back in. Ditto drawers that have been pulled out.
2) I can’t pass those red-and-white smokestacks across from the FDR without thinking about poor Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory.
3) I can’t go over a bridge without thinking of the Mothman Prophecies. Ditto see a chemical plant.
4) After seeing Blair Witch, I can no longer go
a) into wooded areas
b) camping
c) into any dark basements.
Not that I would have done any of those things anyway. But now I REALLY won’t.
5) For a long time I couldn’t look at the TV without thinking that a girl might crawl out of it and kill me like in The Ring and The Ring 2.
6) Every time I see an alley, I expect there to be a dead body in it. But that’s probably from too many episodes of Law and Order, not the movies.
7) Don’t even talk to me about boiling pots of water on the stove (Whitey the rabbit from Fatal Attraction).
8) Little white dogs = Precious from Silence of the Lambs.
9) Any supermodern-looking, windowless building in the middle of nowhere is the place where they harvest the organs of people in comas from the movie Coma.
10) Cornfields = the movie Signs, and we’re all going to die.
11) After Titanic, I will never, ever, ever go on a cruise.
12) Whenever I see an oil tanker on the road, I know I’m going to die, because whenever you see one in the movies, it explodes.
13) If a semi is tailing us, I always assume it’s trying to kill us, like in The Duel.
14) I can’t go through the Holland Tunnel without thinking it’s going to leak like in Daylight.
15) I don’t know if I will ever be able to have children thanks to Rosemary’s Baby. I will definitely never live in the Dakota. I don’t know how Yoko Ono stands it.
16) I’ll never adopt, either, thanks to The Good Son.
17) I will never get anesthesia for anything but non-elective surgery because of She Woke Up Pregnant.
18) After talking at length to several elevator repairmen, I know now that unless someone places an incendiary device on top of the elevator, like in Speed, it is mathematically impossible for all the cables supporting it to snap at once. Still. You never know.
19) Thanks to Jaws I will never set foot in the ocean again.
20) The call is ALWAYS coming from inside the house.
See? I have been SCREWED UP by the movies. The whole reason I hate parties, probably, is because of how traumatized I was over Broken Lizard’s Club Dread, which I watched with Michael thinking it was going to be a comedy, like Super Troopers. Only it turned out to be a horror film about young people being killed at a tropical resort, usually during a party.
Michael doesn’t realize the MAJOR sacrifice I am making, just by agreeing to watch whatever it is he’s going to make me watch tomorrow night.
In fact, probably one of the major reasons I haven’t transcended my ego and achieved self-actualization yet is because of the psychological scarring I have received from the movies. I wonder if Dr. Carl Jung knew about this when he invented self-actualization. Or did they even HAVE movies back when he was alive?
