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Except, of course, if you give up fighting them for the Wrong Reason.
Mia—what are you doing? Are you taking notes? I thought you read Franny and Zooey already!
No. I’m not taking notes. I’m writing in my journal. Tina, I have something to ask you. But I’m scared you might hate me for it.
I could never hate you! Besides, anything is better than listening to her going on about Salinger’s fusion of Judeo-Christian and Eastern religions.
Well, here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m going to be one of the Last Virgins at AEHS after tonight.
WHAT??? YOU AND MICHAEL ARE GOING TO DO IT!!!! OH, MIA!!!! WHEN DID YOU TWO DECIDE THIS????
Well, WE didn’t decide it. I decided it. Don’t hate me, okay? But Grandmère gave me the key to the suite she’s not using over at the Ritz, and I’m going to take Michael there tonight and surprise him.
You mean you’re going to make sweet tender love to him so he’ll have a beautiful memory to carry with him as he heads halfway across the world in order to prove himself worthy of you? Mia, that is SO ROMANTIC!!!!!!
Um, actually, I was going to make sweet tender love to him so he’d change his mind and stick around New York. Because what guy is going to move to Japan if he can get regular sex right in his own neighborhood?
Oh. Well. That’s good, too. I guess.
Seriously? You don’t think I’m evil for trying to manipulate him emotionally? Using my Precious Gift?
Well, I understand why you’re doing it. I mean, you love him, and so naturally, you don’t want to lose him. And I know Boris didn’t help at lunch yesterday, when he said all that stuff about clarinetists. Although truthfully, Mia, I highly doubt Michael is going to run into any clarinetists in Japan.
Still, I’m not sure I can risk it, Tina. I’ve got to do SOMETHING. I’ve got to TRY.
Right. But are you REALLY ready to go All the Way? I mean, have you been practicing with the showerhead, like we learned how to do that night we saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin on pay-per-view?
Of course! That movie was SOOOOO educational.
Right. And I mean, according to that movie, the whole thing should only take about one minute, given that this will be Michael’s first time.
Yes, but then according to that movie, the second time should take TWO HOURS.
It took me that long the first time with the showerhead. But I think it was because I was thinking about the wrong person. I was thinking about Boris, but later I figured out it works much better if I think about Cole from Charmed.
Me, too! I mean, about the two hours. But James Franco from Tristan & Isolde, not Cole.
Do you think it’s going to work in real life? I mean, without water?
I don’t know, Tina. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take, if it will mean keeping Michael by my side.
I totally understand. And I am with you 100 percent. You have condoms?
Of course. And I’m stopping by Duane Reade after school for some contraceptive sponges. Because you know condoms alone are only, like, 95 percent effective against preventing pregnancy if used correctly. I can’t risk that extra 5 percent.
But what’s Lars going to say when he sees you buying contraceptive sponges? He’s going to know they aren’t for a class, like the condoms were. He takes all the same classes as you do—even if he doesn’t exactly pay attention in them (then again…neither do you)!
I’m going to tell Lars they’re a joke present for you. So play along, okay?
Ha. Ha. Ha. A joke present for me. That’s really funny.
Well, I can’t say they’re a joke present for Lilly, because what if Lars asks her????
You aren’t telling Lilly about this?
Tina, how can I? You know what she’ll say.
That if Michael doesn’t go to Japan, then his robotic surgical arm will never get made, and thousand
