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Mom was up. Because Lars, not finding me at Michael’s, called her. They were talking as I walked through the door.
I’m in bed now with a cool washcloth over my forehead. That’s because when she hung up with Lars and asked me where I’d been, I had to run for the toilet, where I threw up my bluefin tuna two ways with artichoke salad with fava beans and scallions and Parmesan shavings. Not to mention the chocolate mousse.
I’ve gotten her to promise not to call Dr. Fung’s emergency service. The only thing about me that’s sick is my heart.
And I’m pretty sure Dr. Fung doesn’t have a prescription for what’s wrong with it.
Thursday, September 9, 11:30 p.m., the loft
Mom says she doesn’t think Michael not telling me about losing his virginity to Judith Gershner is that big a deal—not worth breaking up with him over, anyway. Her exact words were, “Oh, Mia. It’s just SEX.”
That’s easy for her to say. She lost her virginity when she was younger than me, and to a guy who is now married to a former CORN PRINCESS. AND she’s happily married to someone else. Of course it’s just SEX to her. To me, it’s my LIFE.
“Mom, he LIED to me,” I said.
“Well, he didn’t EXACTLY lie,” Mom said. “I mean, you asked him if he and Judith were going out. And they weren’t.”
“Mom. GOING OUT implies sleeping together.”
“Since when?” Mom wanted to know. “I thought HOOKING UP meant sleeping together. And you didn’t ask Michael that. You asked him if he and Judith were GOING OUT.”
The reason we both know this is because I went back through my old diaries, just to make sure I was right.
And I was.
“Are you sure you didn’t pick a fight with Michael over this because it’s easier for you to cope with him being gone if you’re mad at him than if you were still loving him, and missing him all the time?” was her next totally off-the-wall question.
Yeah, right, Mom. Because I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
I didn’t tell her how the subject had come up. I mean, about HOW I’d found out about Michael and Judith. The last thing I need is my mom knowing what I’d tried to do—you know, convince Michael not to go to Japan by sleeping with him. She wouldn’t be TOO disappointed in me for being such a bad feminist and using sex as a manipulative tool, or anything.
The phone just rang. I didn’t even check the caller ID to see who it was, because I knew. Who else would call this late, and risk waking up Rocky (who could sleep through a war protest…and actually has)?
And Mom confirmed it when she looked in to say it was Michael, saying sorry to call so late but I wasn’t picking up my cell and he wanted to make sure I’d made it home okay.
Like I’ll ever be okay again.
Mom asked if I wanted to speak to him and I just looked at her and she said, “Um, Michael, now is probably not the best time,” into the phone and went away.
My chest feels funny. Like it’s empty and hollow inside. I wonder if this is because I just barfed up my dinner, or if it’s because my heart has shattered into so many little pieces, it’s basically disappeared.
Thursday, September 9, 11:45 p.m., the loft
Michael just e-mailed me:
SKINNERBX: Mia, I don’t understand what just happened. Judith Gershner is a nice person, but she’s never meant anything to me and never will. I don’t understand how the fact that I slept with her two years ago, BEFORE YOU AND I EVER WENT OUT, is a valid reason for you and me to break up. If that’s what just happened, which, as I said, I’m not even sure about, because you were acting so weird.
And as for your thinking that I expect you to wait for me while I’m in Japan…well, yeah, I guess I kind of thought you would, considering the fact that part of the reason I’m going is to improve the chances of our being able to have a future together. Maybe that’s a lot to ask. Maybe I have no right to expect it. I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this. Could you maybe call or write back and possibly explain? Because I’m apparently clueless. And this is all so stupid.
God. That is so like him. What is so stupid about my wanting a boyfriend who actually VALUES intimacy and doesn’t dismiss his first sexual experience as just “messing around”?
And okay, she already had a boyfriend, apparently. That just makes it worse. He was messing around with a girl who was messing around with him BEHIND HER BOYFRIEND’S BACK.
And JUDITH GERSHNER???? How could he have had sex with JUDITH GERSHNER???? And not have TOLD me???? I mean, I have eaten LUNCH with Judith Gershner. I have gone ICE-SKATING with Judith Gershner.
And okay, just once. But STILL. I had NO IDEA she and my boyfriend had been…you know.
But I SHOULD have known. I mean, all the signs were there. That time she put her arm around his chair. And ate his garlic bread. I can’t believe I was so blind.
