“Kiara, you don’t have to?—”
“No, I have to apologize, Ethan.That was mean and a terrible thing to say.”I took a sharp breath, “Especially if it was a lie.”
His hands wrapped around mine when I glanced at his face, his sharp features prominent.“What do you mean by lie, Kiara?”
I focused on the way his thumb brushed on my wrist, soothing me.“I want the baby but not at the cost of losing whatever we have between us.I like you, Ethan.But I am afraid too.”
“Look at me,” his warm hand cupped my cheek, his blue-green eyes softening.“Now tell me, what are you afraid of?”
“Of what would happen afterward.I know I sound crazy right now, but I am scared to know what would happen—I mean, if we have a baby then what?”My mind was whirring with thoughts, and I knew my therapist would say I am interpreting, and I should rather focus on facts, but I couldn’t.
Ethan smiled at me, pulling me closer, “Then we will take it one step at a time, okay?And if you are scared or have any doubts, come to me and we will talk about it.How does that sound, Bella?”
I frowned at him, “You are serious?”
He nodded, his lips pressing against my forehead.“I am one hundred percent serious.I talked to your therapist if that’s okay.”
“You what?”I pulled back, looking at his sheepish face, “But why?”
He took a deep breath.“I wanted to know how you were doing and how could I help you if you needed someone.”My heartbeat increased and warm tingles erupted in my belly at the thoughtfulness of the man in front of me.He continued, “She also told me about facts and interpretation.”
She must have.It was one of the things that differentiated from a normal human brain to the mental health of someone suffering from depression or anxiety.Like me.Because of her, I had taught myself to listen to what my brain was saying and decided if they were facts or interpretations.If someone told me they liked me, it was a fact I could believe, but oftentimes when I assumed that someone liked or hated me was an interpretation.Dr.Sabrina had advised me to ask for the facts rather than interpreting.
I bit my lip, “So you know I was interpreting?”
Ethan nodded, “I know I don’t fully understand what you’re going through mentally, but I want you to know that I am not leaving.If you are scared, come to me.We will take it one step at a time, okay Bella?”
I hugged him, hiding my face on the crook of his neck as his powerful arms wrapped around me, cocooning me in his warm embrace.“Thank you, Ethan,” I said, my voice muffled.I felt like I was eighteen again, feeling everything and nothing.But this time, Ethan was supporting me by my side.
We cuddled on the bed as I listened to his velvety voice talking about how Volt, Rio and Liam were doing.How some of them secretly shipped us.I told him about my day and how guilty I felt for telling him I was using him just for a baby.We kissed and made up until he asked me about the tears that had appeared after we had sex tonight.
“I don’t know, I feel bad,” I whispered, watching his fingers trail on my bare stomach.
“Why do you feel bad?”
“Am I a freak to like all of that?I don’t know what to feel about it, Ethan.All of that felt like a hazy dream and I don’t even know what happened to me.”
He listened to me and asked, “Did it feel like you were drunk?”
My eyes widened, “A little.But I wasn’t drunk.”
Ethan chuckled, “No, Bella, you were not drunk.”
“Then why do I feel like it was a dream?”
“That’s because you were in a subspace, Kiara,” he explained with a proud smile.“I wasn’t sure if you would go to subspace in the first scene, but you did.Your body and mind were very responsive.”
I blinked at him, “I don’t understand.”
“When you experience pain and pleasure together your body can get all kinds of crossed-wires in the brain, dump a bunch of happy chemicals into your brain like endorphins and enkephalins.All those hormones produce a sort of trance-like state and you and your brain converted all the pain to those hormones, and you felt like you were drunk or as if you were high,” he calmly explained.
“I stopped flogging you as you were in subspace and you could have never used your safe words because you were off to la-la-land.And as soon as it was over, you were exhausted.”
I nodded, blushing.“I still am.”
Ethan smirked.“But I needed to make sure you were alright, so I had to bathe you and take care of you.”
I squeezed his hand and snuggled up beside him when I asked, “Then why did I feel like crying for no reason?"
