“I missed you too,”he replied. His hands trailed up my chest before sliding back down to skate over the front of my pants. My cock twitched, but before it could awaken fully, Tristan brokeaway.“I’d love nothing more than to take you up to my room and let you fuck me senseless, but I don’t have the energy.”
I stroked his cheek again.“It’s fine, you need to rest anyway. Ijustneeded to see with my own eyesthatyou’re okay. I’ll leave you to sleep.”
“Don’t go,”he replied, grabbing my hand.“Can you stay for a bit. Maybe until I fall asleep?”
A relieved smile lifted my lips.“Yeah, Bug. I can stay.”
He guided me into the small living room, which only had space for one couch and the television. I glanced around, imagining the five Crutchens gathered in here. Although the room was tiny, it felt cozy.Homely.Something I’d never experienced until recently.
Tristan collapsed on the couch, and I took the seat next to him. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t know where to start. Instead, I remained silent.
“Well, this is awkward as fuck,”Tristan chuckled, shifting closer to me.“Come here, lie down with me.”
The couch was far too small for both our broad frames, but somehow, we managed to fit on it with me lying on my back, and Tristan almost lying on my chest. My hand wrapped around his back, my fingers lifting the hem of his shirt to stroke his soft skin as he rested his hand on my stomach.
For a few blissful moments, my world felt right again.
“I messaged Mike after you left the arcade on Sunday,”Tristan blurted.
My body tensed. “Oh.”
He nuzzled his cheek against me.“Told himthatI wasn’t interested in going on another date with him.”
Thank fuck.
I pulled him against me tighter.“I was jealous,”I admitted.“When I saw you two talking, andthenhe hugged you. I was jealous.”
“I know.”
“Cocky little shit.”
“You love it.”
My smile faltered. I did love it. I loved everything about him. And I was determined to tell him.“Bug-”
“Don’t,”he said, cutting me off. I lowered my gaze, but he didn’t lift his head to meet it when he continued speaking.“I think I know what you’re going to say, and if I’m right,thenit’s something I want to say back to you.”
I swallowed. “But?”
“But I can’t hear it. And I can’t say it. Because it’ll make everything so much harder.”
Tears stung in my eyes asthatannoying lump of emotion I was becoming too familiar with clogged my throat. I swallowed, but it refused to go.“Why does it sound like you’re ending things with us, Bug?”
“I don’t want to.”
“But?” I asked again.
He sighed, his finger tracing a circle on my stomach.“I never thought for one secondthatwhat started as a casual arrangement between us would lead to me wanting more.”Tristan laughed humorlessly.“But here we are.”
“What if I said I wanted more?”
He didn’t reply for several tense beats, and all I could focus on was the way my heart was shattering into a million pieces.
“I think we have a different view on what more is,”he replied slowly, almost as if he was choosing his words carefully.“The other day, when we were at the ice rink, andthatkid sneered at us, you dropped my hand. Andthenon the wheel. You wanted to kiss me, and fuck…I wanted you to. But you didn’t. And that’s okay, Ben. It’s okay if you’re not ready to be in the open about your sexuality. But that’s not me. I can’t and won’t hide who I am. I did it once before, and it took so much from me. And now,every time I lie to my parents about who I spend the night with, and when I told the twinsthatyou werejustmy friend…I lose a little bit of myself. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t lose who I am for the sake of someone else.”
My jaw clenched as a stray tear slid from my eye. Still, Tristan didn’t move to look at me, and I was grateful. I heard the pain in his voice; if I saw it on his face, it would have broken me. Words fell silent on my tongue. There was nothing I could say to change the situation. I didn’t want to lose Tristan, but I didn’t want him to lose who he was.
“Can you give me more time?”I finally asked, knowingthatI was being selfish.
