“But you went back.”
“Yes. Many times.” His eyes closed. “Watching her suffer—because I was too much of a coward to act.”
“You weren’t a coward—”
“I was,” he stated with finality, hoping she’d understand. “Until I finally broke. I went to Nemesis and begged her to make things right.”
“Nemesis. The goddess of revenge?”
“Justice,” he said, though the distinction felt meaningless now. “I asked her to help Eleni.”
“Did she?” Her hope nearly broke him.
“Yes. In her own way.” He pushed through the constriction in his throat, needing to say it. “She gave Eleni strength and rage to match his viciousness. Eleni killed him. And when she realized what she had done, what she had become…”
Understanding and horror crossed her face. “She killed herself,” she said, sorrow in her words.
He nodded, unable to speak past the memory of finding his friend dead.
Iliana’s breath faltered. “Than…”
“I carry that with me.” He brushed his thumb over the bruises. “I was not there to protect her when it mattered. When I finally acted, it was too late.” He looked at Iliana and spoke quietly. “That’s why I never let myself get close to another human until…”
She finished his thought, soft but certain. “Until me.”
He nodded, taking her hand. He knew he had to let her continue to train with Anubis, even at the risk of getting hurt. The thought of her being in pain made him clench his teeth.
Of course she’d get hurt training. She was human.
“It might happen again, but I will save that anger for a target that deserves it. Not the ones I care about.” He would honestly try. He didn’t want to risk losing her over anger andpain.
She took a moment before squeezing his hand. “You know that wasn’t your fault, right?”
He remained silent.
“You told me that every being makes his or her own choices,” she reminded him. “You didn’t force her to kill him. And who says she wouldn’t have killed him anyway? You can’t rewrite her choices to punish yourself. If she’d moved on with her life, happy and carefree, would you have taken credit for that as well?”
He stared at her.
“You said you didn’t interfere. But in the end, you did,” Iliana said. “You tried to help her. You can’t carry this burden forever.”
Thanatos closed his eyes.Hypnos and Anubis had told him the same thing, but coming from Iliana, it meant more somehow. The pain and guilt weren’t gone, but the tightness in his chest loosened somewhat.
He recognized now, so many years later, that the harm his inaction caused could be just as lethal as a conscious decision to attack and kill. He’d always known this, but had taken the burden of Eleni’s decisions onto himself. So why had he kept himself apart from the human world? What else had he missed because of his refusal to accept that it wasn’t his fault?The regret was still present. He knew he’d continue to feel that way, but there was also this bubbling hope that he could step away from his past and look forward to something other than his duties.
He was tired of being alone.
Thanatos opened his eyes to look at Iliana.
She gave him a sly smile. “So, you weren’t mad about Anubis kissing me?”
He let out a quiet laugh. The playfulness of her question diffused the tension, removing the painful memories he’d revealed. He promised himself to work through his buried emotions. Right then, he only wanted to think about Iliana. About her and what might have been the hope in her question.
“No, Anubis cares for you, just like I do. And I know he would treat you right.”
Her cheeks turned pink. “I don’t even know how to process that.”
“I think you have enough love to give to whomever you choose.” Thanatos tipped her chin up. “I want you, Iliana. But only if this is what you want.” He stroked her bottom lip with his thumb but didn’t lean in, not yet.
