Over dinner, Simone asked if anyone had seen her Tiffany earrings. The conversation went something like this:
Simone: ‘I’ve searched high and low for them, and can’t find them anywhere.’
Dad: ‘You sure you haven’t left them in the safe?’
Simone, irritated. ‘Of course I’m sure.’
Dom: ‘Talking of which, did your Rolex turn up, Felix?’
Dad: ‘No. But as Simone will tell you, I’m always losing things.’
Simone: ‘Ain’t that the truth. Watches, wives, his libido…’
Barney: ‘…other people’s money.’
Dad: ‘Come now, Barney, don’t be like that.’
Simone: ‘I’m going to have to have a word with Maria.’
Me, outraged: ‘Are you seriously saying you think she stole them?’
Simone: ‘I’m not saying anything. I’ll just ask her if she’s seen them.’
Me: ‘OMG, you think she did, don’t you? Just because she works for you, you think she’s a thief. You’ll accuse her of pinching loo roll next! You’re unbelievable.’
Simone: ‘I told you. I’m not accusing anyone of anything.’
Barney: ‘If I were you, I’d look a little closer to home.’
Me: ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Barney didn’t say anything, but his gaze swivelled to Amber, who was staring at a cremated sausage on her plate as if she wasn’t sure whether she was supposed to eat it or dispose of its ashes. She must have sensed we were all watching her, because she finally looked up and said, ‘I haven’t seen your earrings, but I did find something else, Simone. Your locket.’ She pulled it out of the pocket of her shorts, tossed it onto the table and announced she was going to bed. Dom, apologising, trotted after her like the obedient little lapdog he is.
Victoria: ‘What’s got into her?’
Barney: ‘Guilty conscience.’
Dad: ‘You don’t think Amber’s our thief?’
Barney: ‘Well, we’ve never had a problem before, and how long has Maria worked here?’
Simone: ‘Five years.’
Victoria: ‘It does seem rather a coincidence. What do we even know about Amber?’
Barney: ‘We don’t, that’s the point.’
Simone: ‘I didn’t know she existed until Dominic announced he was bringing her.’
Me: ‘You don’t even know if there is a thief! The fact you’ve lost a pair of earrings and Dad can’t find his watch doesn’t meananything. What happened to “innocent until proven guilty”? Talk about a kangaroo court. And you have the nerve to call yourself a lawyer. What a hypocrite!’
Simone: ‘Felix, will you please tell your daughter to show me more respect.’
Me: ‘Dad, will you please tell your wife to stop being a bitch.’
Dad: ‘Anyone want another drink?’
So, yeah. Just another day in paradise.
