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This is so sweet of you, Lana! Of course I’d love for you and Trisha to be bridesmaids.
But I think Crazy Ivan’s may not work for a number of reasons. Maybe we can settle for a private bachelorette party at the palace. We could do it at the pool. You know Lars loves nothing better than an excuse to sit on the roof with his long-range sniper rifle, looking for camera-equipped drone copters to take out.
Fine!!!! You can make it up to me by writing Iris a letter of recommendation. You know, with a letter from the Princess of Genovia she’ll be a shoo-in.
Sure, I’ll be happy to do this. What school are you trying to get her into?
Oh, the application isn’t for school! Iris has been referred as a possible candidate to the National American Baby Awards in the four-to-six-month Miss Junior Princess Division of their pageant!!!!
Lana. No. Not a baby beauty pageant.
Why? This one has more than $1,500,000 in cash, prizes, and scholarships. It says if I don’t register her, I will be denying her the opportunity to learn valuable new skills that will help empower her and enable her to accomplish her future goals.
Lana, you are being scammed.
No, I am not! Purple Iris is the most beautiful baby in her playgroup. Everyone says it. I’m sure someone spotted her there and entered her name. Or maybe from my Instagram or Facebook page about her.
Then how did they get your home address?
It’s public record. And anyway, the pageant is real, I looked it up. This is the tenth year of the program. They are dedicated to helping girls build character and appreciate their self-worth.
Your kid isn’t even one year old yet. How is this going to build her character?
It’s going to teach her how to show poise and confidence in front of an audience, the way you do, Mia, when you’re giving one of your boring speeches. Only Iris doesn’t have to give a speech because there’s no talent required for this pageant. The contestants are judged on confidence and charisma.
Lana, did you read the fine print?
The entrance fees are to offset the costs of producing the pageant.
How much are they?
It is an investment in her future!
Lana, what’s wrong with you? You used to be able to see through obvious cons like this. Did your brain slip out through your vagina along with the baby when you gave birth?
No, since I had a cesarean. I wasn’t going to let my joy hole get all out of shape from squeezing that thing out of it. You’ve probably noticed she inherited Jason’s ginormous head.
Both your husband’s and your baby’s heads have always looked average-sized to me.
Well, they aren’t. Everyone on his dad’s side of the family has a huge head. After I saw the ultrasound, I told the doctor if she thought I was squeezing that thing out from my joy hole, she could just think again. Jason’s mother never recovered from having three boys. She still walks funny.
I really do not know what to say in reply to that.
Are you going to help me or not??? There’s an essay part of the application, and you know writing’s not my strong suit, so I need your help, Mia. You’re the best writer I know.
I will help you, but I strongly disapprove.
You’ll feel differently when you have a baby. Then you’ll see what it’s like!
Fine. E-mail the application to me, and I’ll help you. But just this one time!
And only if you promise no surprise bachelorette party at Crazy Ivan’s!
I promise! Oh, thank you! You won’t regret this.
I already do.
By the time I was done having this conversation, my eye was twitching like crazy. I had no choice but to stretch out on the couch and watch Judge Judy yell at a man named Bud for moving in with his new girlfriend, Tiffany, and then, after promising he’d pay half the rent, spending all his rent money on tattoos, a new Corvette, and a trip to Atlantic City with his ex-girlfriend.
