I stopped.
"Just a minute," he said quietly. "Just one minute."
There was something different in his voice now. The desperation was gone and something more honest had taken its place.
"I know you want answers and I know I owe you more than apologies." His breathing slowed before he continued. "But I need you to hear this. I love you, April. I've always loved you, even when I didn't know how to show it and even when I ruined everything."
Then why did you make me feel like I was nothing?
"I didn't understand at first," he continued more quietly. "I thought you were shy. I thought you were awkward. Then I started wondering if I was doing something wrong and if I wasn't enough to make you feel safe or wanted."
You were enough. I just never knew how to let myself feel safe.
"I asked and I tried, but every time you looked at me with that mask." He swallowed hard. "That quiet face that never let me know what you were thinking. I never knew if you were really there with me or somewhere far away, and the more it happened, the more resentment started growing."
I closed my eyes.
"I never stopped wanting you. I just stopped believing you wanted me back."
I did. I still do. I just didn't know how to be what you needed.
"I imagined someone else," he admitted quietly. "Someone who smiled more. Someone who reached for me first. Someone who laughed and talked. I hated myself for it, but I did."
His eyes filled again. "And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
His words wrapped around me and settled over my skin like smoke. I felt like I was choking on them, but I refused to cry and refused to move.
Then I turned and ran.
He called my name behind me, but I kept going because I wasn't going to fall apart where he could see me.
The door slammed shut behind me with a sound that felt too loud and too final. I stood there and struggled to breathe because it felt like the walls were moving closer and pressing in around me. Everything suddenly felt heavy, as if the weight of the world had settled onto my chest.
I stood there trying to pull air into my lungs while my head spun with everything I couldn't say and everything I could never make him understand. His words repeated over and over inside my head until they drowned out everything else.
Worst.
The word kept circling through my mind until I felt trapped inside it. I felt like I was suffocating under all the pain I could not escape.
I needed to talk to someone. I needed to scream and cry. I needed someone to understand what was happening inside my head even if I could not explain it out loud. My hands shook as I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I found July's name.
I pressed the call button and lifted the phone to my ear while my chest tightened with every ring. I opened my mouth and tried to speak. Nothing happened. I tried again and still nothing came out. The words stayed trapped somewhere inside me while tears finally spilled over and blurred my vision.
Then July answered.
"April?"
Concern filled her voice immediately.
"April, are you okay?"
I couldn't answer her. I could barely breathe, and the sobs hit me hard enough to shake my whole body.
"April?" she asked again, her voice becoming more urgent. She didn't need me to say anything because she knew me too well. I swallowed hard and tried again, but all that came out were broken sobs. The sound felt rough and painful, like every piece of hurt I had been holding back was tearing its way out of me.
Then her voice softened.
"I'll be right there. I'm on my way."
