“Then we better find sparky’s sperm donor and have some fun interrogating the bastard,” I told fish boy. “If anyone knows anything, it’s him. Now get your ass over this wall and start skewering mages with that sexy trident of yours.”
Fish boy nodded and sprang up into the tree, swinging from one branch to another before disappearing.
Ugh. I fucking hated being the last one to arrive at a murder party.
Once over the wall, I paused to admire the vampire’s creative murder spree. The dude was faster than the speed of light. The mage assholesdidn’t stand a chance as he zipped around them, tearing heads off and plucking hearts from chests.
A few tried fighting back, but my pet’s bloodthirsty mate was a skilled murderer.
I took pride in the fact we were harem mates. This was exactly the sort of unhinged lunatic I wanted to share my bed with.
“Damn.” My jaw dropped in admiration as the vampire tore two hearts out simultaneously. “Kudos!” I yelled, giving Mister McBitey a thumbs-up.
He launched the two grisly organs at a mage busy fleeing the scene of the atrocity, taking him down in one hit.
“You’re wasted here. The New York Jets need a new quarterback, dude. You should call them.”
A magic blast slammed into my shoulder, sending me flying across the lawn. It hurt like a bitch but thankfully caused no damage. When I hauled my ass up, I spotted a puny little dude summoning a ball of fire.
He turned pale when I cackled and spun Brenda in a wide circle.
“You gotta ask yourself, dude,” I hollered, “are you feeling lucky?”
“Whaaaatt?” The stench of urine floated toward me on the wind.
“Better run, little dude! Run, rabbit, run!”
I ducked as he launched a fireball at my head before taking my advice and running. The bear roared in the distance, busy disemboweling someone, probably. Vampy had vanished, and fish boy was making good use of his pointy trident.
But none of that mattered. I had an incontinent mage to chase and some fun to be had. Then I planned to track down my missing pet and show her exactly why she would spend the rest of her life glued to my side. Literally.
“You missed a bit,” I told the bear as he picked some flesh from his teeth. He scowled when I threw a severed finger at his hairy chest and it stuck there. Fish boy seemed disturbed by my antics, but the vampire grinned.
He got me.
We stood in the foyer of Tiberius Vane’s obnoxiously ostentatious home. How much did the Mage Council pay that fucker anyway? Too much, judging from the gold detailing and priceless antiques.
I nudged a vase over and chuckled when it smashed on the blood-smeared floor, sending fragments flying. “Oops.”
“Can you sense her yet?” the bear asked Rasmus. He shook his head.
“No. The signal has gone silent.” His jaw ticked, and a fresh burst of rage flooded my system.
How dare that slimy fuck steal my mate!
Alaric fucking Vane would regret the day the goddess bonded him to my pet. Tiberius fucking Vane too. The pair of them were dead to me. Literally, if Brenda had her way.
Brenda lashed out, slashing a nearby tapestry in half. “Bad Brenda,” I muttered.
Care bear said something rude that I ignored and flicked the severed finger back at me.
“We need to search the house. There has to be a clue to Raven’s whereabouts somewhere,” he said.
“Wanna put some pants on?” I suggested. “Unless you plan to scare anyone left with your bloody dick.”
“It’s not…” He looked down and grimaced, not having noticed his lower half was blood soaked. Impressive, truly. The sort of aesthetic I could get on board with. “We don’t have time. I’ll clean up later.”
A floorboard creaked, and we all froze. Care bear cocked his head. “I smell a mage.”
