“A long time ago,” he intones, “many centuries past, I was a young man. A burgeoning beacon of masculinity! And I made friends with the loveliest young creature—this Lady May.”
Bulan’s body, though separated from him, makes a spasmodic gesture at the Japanese fairy princess. She fans herself.
“Now is not the time,” I say for easily the thousandth time. But I’m shushed by the entire wedding party and audience.
“Thank you,” says Bulan, overwhelmed with gratitude. I throw up my hands, because I know I’m supposed to protest. Even if I’m glad tofinally be getting answers too. “May and I promised ourselves to each other on a beautiful solstice eve. She promised me much favor in battle, and granted it to me manifold—I became a great king, with a fascinating entourage—but I did her a terrible disservice. I allowed my head to be severed from my body. And buried for centuries.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” asks Hanry.
Bulan’s voice is tragic: “It is what kept us separated. It meant we could not marry.”
“It sounds like you were separated by…” Hanry gestures at Bulan’s body. Seriously? Is Hanry actuallyarguingwith Bulan right now? Why? This is the perfect out: if Bulan wants to marry May, then Hanry can step aside and retain his dignity—and avoid his mother’s anger.
“Since Bran had promised himself to me, I performed magic to ensure he would not die,” says May. “I’ve been keeping his body for years in hopes I’d see him again.”
“It’s one thing not to be in love, buthiding a body!?” Hanry exclaims.
Rochester steps rigidly between Hanry, May, and Bulan. “My Queen,” he says to Mab, “mustn’t we pause the ceremony to untangle this?”
I can’t hear Mab’s response over one of the groomsmen.
“I concur!” he calls out. “It is impossible for the wedding to proceed with two suitors!”
“Indeed, that is my point,” Rochester says.
But there’s no sign the wedding is ending. If anything, the energy is… intensifying. Mab un-accordions herself to regale her audience with an overplayed, considering expression. The Throne Room begins to reverberate with primitive whoops and calls.
Shit, shit,shit.
Seeing how the situation is slipping out of my control, I approach Rochester from a crouch. “Hey! What’s going on?”
“They must fight!” Mab announces at last, her voice ringing out over the ruckus. She pumps an elegant fist in the air. “Fight! Fight!YARE!”
“As Her Highness has indicated, there is a cultural imperative,”Rochester says to me, expression uneasy. “For Hanry and Bran to fight.”
If it weren’t weird enough that Hanry’s own mother wants him to enter a primal mating dance to the death, out of nowhere, Hanry pulls a thin, rectangular object from his pocket. Bulan’s head, meanwhile, bounces back to its body. His torso bends down, and his arms extend, reaching for his head. He places it atop his… neck bone, I guess. It doesn’t attach there well, as you’d expect after a dozen centuries or so. He holds it in place with his elbows pointing outward. Then he turns to Hanry. Hanry, who—while huge—is too kind for his own good. And most likely lacks the battle experience of an ancient Welsh king.
“The fight commences!” Bulan booms out.
“Bring it on!” cries Hanry.
The two men move to meet each other on one of the wider stairs. I clutch onto Rochester’s arm as the guests call out a countdown from ten. When they get down to zero, Hanry and Bulan rush each other, and begin to… I don’t know what you’d call it.
But basically, Bulan is jabbing Hanry with his elbows.
And Hanry is whapping Bulan’s head with his slender white weapon. Not stabbing. Bapping. Smacking. It is, I can see now, an electric toothbrush.
It isincredibly ineffective.
The crowd’s fervor deflates in confusion.
“This is how humans fight?” asks a fairy behind Hanry’s parents.
“How strange,” says another.
Since all semblance of a typical wedding ceremony has long since been lost, I let go of Rochester and fully ascend the platform to where May watches with a disturbed expression. I place a hand on her gorgeously robed shoulder and lean in.
“You’ve got to stop them,” I tell her. “And choose who you want to marry. Before they hurt themselves.”
