She smiled, though he didn’t miss the way her fingerstwisted together on her lap. “I’m not sure about looking good but I certainlyfeelbetter than I did a month ago.”
“I’m glad.”
“It’s amazing how much peace you can find after a few weeks of decent food, sleep and therapy. And no booze or pills. I was more than ready for a reset—I just couldn’t admit it to myself until the accident.”
“Sometimes it takes something drastic to provide clarity.”
“That’s what my therapist said. I only wish I could have found my way to this place without Diane having to pay the price.”
“How are the cravings?”
“Still there. I know they always will be. I’m an addict. I was an addict at fifteen when it was vodka I stole out of Dad’s liquor cabinet and I was an addict at boarding school when I started with first marijuana and then the harder stuff. I thought I had put that world behind me after Audrey came along.”
“You did.”
“Not permanently, apparently. I traded one addiction for another. But I want to fix my life more than I want to take a pill and forget now.”
“I’m so proud of all your hard work. I know what a huge sacrifice it’s been but you’ve made amazing progress.”
She acknowledged his words with a smile. “I only wish I could have found a way to go through the program without leaving Audrey for a month.”
“I believe she will be the first to tell you it was worth it, especially if she can have her mom back.”
They were silent for a few moments as the mileposts passed by. Finally, Kim spoke in a small voice. “Do you think Audrey will eventually be able to forgive me?”
He had the feeling Kim had been stewing about that question for longer than the past few moments.
“There’s nothing to forgive. She knows everything you did was for her. She might be only thirteen but Audrey is remarkably wise for her age. That’s because of you, sis.”
She didn’t look as if she completely believed him but she nodded and gazed out the windshield at the passing landscape.
“What about you? I dragged you away from everything you had going in your life so you could bail me out. Has it been horrible?”
“Not at all,” he said with complete honesty. He had enjoyed his time here far more than he ever expected. “Like I said, Audrey’s a great kid and very self-sufficient. She definitely has her shit together. I’m not sure she even needed me around.”
“I feel that way sometimes. She’s always been mature beyond her years. I didn’t have much to do with that.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You’ve been raising her alone most of her life. I don’t think I fully realized what a tough road that must have been until recently.”
He had experienced a tiny fraction of what it meant to be the sole responsible adult in a household. He couldn’t imagine bearing that load alone for years, as Kim had managed all these years with Audrey and like Holly was doing with Lydia.
“What about Dad and Diane?” she asked. “Have you seen much of them while you’ve been in the area?”
He thought of his strained relationship with the colonel, their few awkward, uncomfortable interactions.
“A little, here and there.”
“How is Diane? I mean, how is shereally? I tried to talk to Dad whenever I had the chance, which wasn’t often. He always assured me Diane is on the mend but I’m not sure if he was telling the truth or trying to sugarcoat it.”
“She still has a long road to recovery,” he admitted. “But she seems better every time I see her.”
“I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to her. To everyone. Dad, Diane, Audrey. You.”
Ryan glanced over at Kim as they drove past snow-dusted trees that framed the landscape outside the window. He could feel the weight of her guilt like an invisible presence in the car.
“You know,” he said, breaking the silence, “it takes guts to face what you’ve been through. Not everyone would step up and take responsibility the way you have.”
Kim’s gaze flickered toward him, uncertain. “It doesn’t feel like enough,” she murmured. “I hurt people, Ryan. Diane may never fully recover. How can that ever be enough?”
