“Ugh,” he groaned as if in pain. “I was in his room, talking to him before we left, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me. And I swear to you, Marc, the only reason it lasted as long as it did was because it was like I became a fucking statue. I never kissed him back, and I’ll never tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I hated the entire thing.”
“I…okay,” I said, because right now all I could do was tell him I understood what he was telling me. It wasn’t sinking in or making sense, but I understood the words.
He looked desperate. “And we talked. I told him it wasn’t something I was into, and I would never see him like that because, Jesus, he wastenwhen I met him. And I know I kept telling everyone we needed to treat him like an adult because that’s what he is, but that isnothow I want to treat him as an adult. And then I left, panicked and scrubbed my mouth as soon as I could and?—”
I stared at him. “And then…jumped me in the elevator…after he…and then you?—”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered desperately, closing his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you before, but what the hell was I supposed to say? And then suddenly you were there, and you were looking fuckinggood, like you always do, and it just made sense. If I could just…be with you, if I could have you, then everything that happened would go away. And then it was over,and it was great, but I felt like shit because what the fuck even was that choice? And then I told myself I definitely shouldn’t do that shit again until I told you and then last night happened and I…fucked up.”
I stared at him as understanding didn’t crash down so much as it trickled in, building in strength. When it finally came at me full force, I let out a burst of laughter. Reggie reeled back, and I instinctively grabbed him so he didn’t fall off the ledge, but continued to laugh. Above us, two faces peered over the ledge, and that just made me laugh even harder because one of those faces was Jude.
“Okay,” Reggie said slowly, staring at me with wide, horrified eyes. “You’re officially scaring the living fuck out of me right now. I hope you know that. You sound…crazed.”
“No,” I said, gasping for air, trying to push down the laughter, but felt another blast roll through me as I lay there, still in pain. “I just?—”
Reggie continued to stare at me as I gulped in air, trying to steady myself and then snickering as I tried to get my laughter under control. Reggie still looked terrified, but at least he mostly just looked bewildered as he stared down at me, as I laughed harder than I could remember laughing in a long time.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped out, repeating my apology before sucking in a breath and trying again. “It’s just…what the hell?”
“Yeah,” he said faintly. “That’s been my sentiment on the whole thing as well.”
“No, I just…I mean, yes, that’s so fucked up. My son kissed you and then you panicked and had me fuck you in an elevator,” I said with a bark of laughter, smothering it quickly when I saw his horrified expression. “It’s funny, in a fucked-up way.”
“Maybe one day I’ll see the joke, but today is not that day,” he said, staring at me like I’d lost my mind.
Maybe I had. “The funniest thing is that…I was so fucking worried about you. You’ve been acting so weird, so distant, and grumpy. And this whole time, it wasn’t what I thought, but that my son fuckingkissed you.”
“Still not seeing the funny part yet,” he said slowly, and then narrowed his eyes. “Wait, what did you think my problem was?”
“Me,” I answered honestly. “I thought it was me, which sounds so egotistical I should probably be ashamed, but I really thought it was because of me.”
“Now why would you think you were the reason for my mood?” he asked, looking calmer now I wasn’t laughing like a crazed person.
“Because we’ve been sleeping together for a few weeks now, I mean, not the whole three weeks, there was a gap there, but yeah, three weeks.”
“Okay, and I’m still not understanding what’s wrong with that. I mean,” he said, and then looked at me warily. “Unless you think there’s something wrong with that.”
“Not on my end,” I said, glad I got that much across even though it made him frown. “We’ve been friends for years, Reggie. I mean, first you were with Malcolm, and then…well, jump ahead and we’re friends and we sleep together with no real buildup or communication. And I just…it didn’t seem right to do that to you.”
He stared at me. “I…what doesn’t seem right to you?”
“Just…sleeping with you,” I said with a sigh. “It feels like you’re being treated like a piece of meat, or some side piece I pick up when I want to get laid and then I go on with my life. You deserve better than that, to have more from me, but I also just…I don’t know if I’m the right person for that, if I can give you what you deserve. So, I’ve been biting my tongue because things have been so wonderful and everything has been working out perfectly for us so far. So, I end up feeling like a selfish prick, andwhen I tell myself you need more and I should talk to you about it, I run into that wall again and say nothing. And I thought you were getting fed up with my inability to just say the goddamn words and?—”
Reggie stared at me long enough that if it weren’t for fear of hurting myself, I would have squirmed. After a pause, he closed his eyes and scoffed, shaking his head. Then he sighed and placed a hand on my chest. “You really chose this moment to pour your heart out?”
“I suppose now is better than never,” I said with a wince. “Though I wish circumstances weren’t so…bad.”
He rubbed my chest, leaning over me and smiling. “So, if I’m understanding what you’re trying to say here, you want to date me, but you’re afraid you won’t be a good partner?”
I thought about it for a moment, really thought about it, because I hadn’t considered whether it was something I wanted. Then again, that had to be what I wanted all along because why else would I have fretted so much about being good enough for him? If I could provide him with what I believed he needed in a partner. It made sense I would worry about that if I not only cared about him, but wanted that as well.
“I’ll be honest with you,” he said with a shake of his head. “I hadn’t given much thought to more between us. I was just happy we had something to share with one another. And get that look off your face. I wasn’t saying I’m against the idea of being more than great friends who have amazing,perfectsex.”
“Finally achieved perfection,” I chuckled.
“But I was just living in the moment, in the present. If there’s anything Malcolm’s death taught me, it’s that the present can sometimes be much more important than the future or the past. And with you, it’s been easy to stay locked into the present, to enjoy what we have. Maybe at some point I would have realized I wanted more, or less. Who knows what I would have felt, but Iwasn’t worrying or hurt that you hadn’t tried to make more out of things between us.”
Now that he had…put it out there, it made complete sense, and I felt like the biggest of fools because what he was saying made a lot more sense than whatever drama I had concocted in my head. Reggie had always been pretty laid-back, never fretting or worrying about much unless it was work, and even then he would get it out of his system and calm down to focus on what needed to be done. It made sense that he wasn’t stewing away, worried that I was going to use him and move on.
