I could hear…Jude? Well, that was okay, I guess. I mean, I hoped it was okay. That probably meant I wasn’t down there anymore, because I sure as hell hoped it wasn’t a sign that he was down on the ledge with us, but no, that wouldn’t make sense, because he wouldn’t fit. There wasn’t enough space.
A prick, something so small in the face of the pain I was already suffering, and then warmth like the heaviest blanket surrounded me and somehow dragged me into an even more complete darkness.
“You know,” I heard Malcolm say, which made no sense; he was dead and gone, his ashes had been spread at the base of theAppalachian Mountains where he’d grown up. It was his wish that upon his death, he’d be returned home somehow. “This is exactly the sort of thing I would’ve expected out of Reg, not you.”
No, you’re dead. There’s no way you’re talking, not unless?—
“You’re not dying, you giant drama queen. God, one little broken bone and you think you’re on your way? Please, you’ve still got plenty of years left in you.”
It couldn’t be him, just…some part of me wished for him in that moment because…because why?
“Because you miss me, idiot. Nothing wrong with that. You love me, and I love you. Just like I love Reggie and he loves me. But I’m gone, so you miss me. You both do.”
I’m sorry…about Reggie.
“Why? You kept him alive, I think, when he was at his lowest and his worst. When he was ready to give up on everything, and what a waste that would’ve been, eh? But you dragged him up by the ear and made him take one step at a time until he was ready to do it on his own. Now look at him. Hell, look atyou. Both of you, somehow becoming the very people I knew you were, and then doing even better. I really should have upped my expectation game, but then again, I thought not dying before thirty was a low expectation, so maybe realistic expectations would never be my thing.”
No, I meant?—
“I know what you meant, but why should I care about that? The two men I loved the most, coming together, first as comfort, then as friends, then best friends and now…now that’s up to you two. I was in love with you, you know?”
I…thought so, once.
“I was, but you weren’t ready to commit to a guy. Sleep with them, be friends with them, but be in love and commit? Nah, but that’s okay, because you got Jude out of the deal, and I got Reggie. But now? Now you have the chance to have Reggie too,all to yourself. Shame we can’t swap notes, but hey that’s life…or death, like you said. A word of advice, between friends?”
Yes. Please, yes, tell me something, anything.
“Don’t pussyfoot around with him. If you meant what you said to him, then you fucking stick to it. I know from personal experience Reggie will give and give…so long as he thinks it’s fair, so long as he believes he’s loved and wanted. You screw that up, he’ll walk away. It might be with a shattered heart, but he’ll walk away. But you do that for him, you love him, and youtry? Well, you’ll never want for another person again. You will always have someone in your corner, someone who can and will back you up no matter how much of the world is against you.”
You’re right…I will…I’ll try.
“Good, I love you both…now, Marc?”
What?
“Maybe it’s time to wake up? Just a thought.”
The light was dim, which meant my eyes were open. My leg was throbbing, which meant I was awake…and alive. And there were two weights on the bed, and as I turned my head, I saw Reggie to my right, and Jude on my left. I smiled at Reggie as he snored softly, face pressed against my right thigh as he slept. Jude, though, was staring at his phone with a heavy frown as he tapped away with one hand, the other resting over mine.
“Morning,” I said, frowning. “Or evening.”
Jude tensed, his phone dropping to the bed as he turned. “Dad!”
“Shhh,”I said with a nod toward Reggie. “He must be exhausted.”
“He is,” Jude said with a heavy sigh, leaning forward to look me in the eye.
“I’m here,” I told him with a chuckle. “Things are…a little fuzzy, and my leg hurts. Which means the drugs must be wearing off, kind of a shame, but I’d rather be a little fuzzy and hurting than zonked out on pain meds.”
Jude glanced at Reggie, who continued to snore. “He…told them not to give you too much, that when you finally woke up, you’d want to be able to think. That you’d…hate the idea of being so drugged up you couldn’t be yourself…I didn’t know he could make those calls. I thought?—”
“You thought it was your mom still.”
“Yeah.”
“It was, but a few years ago I realized I shouldn’t make her deal with that. Reggie offered, and well, it made sense. And now I’m glad I did.”
“I’m…really sorry, Dad,” he said softly, bottom lip trembling.
