“I just want my old life back.” He spoke softly, but those were the heaviest words he’d said since they’d reunited, and Tristan took a moment to collect his thoughts.
“I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you will never have your old life back.” He took one of Jax’s hands as Jax squinted at him with suspicion. “Butyou can make a new one, and I would like to do that with you. I would like to create memories with you, experience things you might not have seen if you hadn’t taken this path, because as much as you hate it, it brought us together.”
“Tristan, what the hell…” Jax’s dark-brown gaze softened, so Tristan gave Jax’s hand a squeeze and bravely ventured on.
“There’s a Zen proverb that says, ‘let go or be dragged.’ Clinging to your old self, a part of you that’s been gone for years, is holding you back. You need to learn how to embrace who you are now. Even if you hadn’t gone through this pain, you’d be a different person anyway because we all change and grow. And I’d like to change and grow with you from here on out.”
Jax bit his lip, processing with an unreadable expression.
“Wow, you kinda tore me up there,” he eventually said, and Tristan opened his mouth to apologize, but Jax held up his free hand, giving him a weary smile. “But you’re right. I am clinging to it because I miss it. I miss who I used to be, and I know that many people have it worse, but it doesn’t help the feeling that it’s unfair.” He blinked furiously again. “I don’t want to be angry, but I’m hurting all the time.”
“As I’ve said before, I don’t think you’re angry.” Tristan hoped that Jax could read the sincerity in his gaze. “I think you’re frustrated and grieving your old life. But Idothink there are ways to improve your situation.”
“Yeah?” Jax tilted his head, some of the suspicion coming back.
“Do you remember when I said I’d help you heal by calling doctors, and for each call you’d make me a meal?”
Jax sobered. “We never officially started that. The hellish, head-chefweekend got in the way.”
“Then I’d like to put it back on the table. Along with helping you find doctors, driving you to and from your appointments, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to attend with you.” Smiling down at Jax, Tristan squeezed his hand, and Jax stared at him in shock, his mouth falling open.
“You’d really help me with all of that?”
Tristan leaned down until they were nose-to-nose.
“It’s the least I could do.” Pressing a gentle kiss to Jax’s lips, he rested their foreheads together, watching as relief filled Jax’s dark-brown gaze, slowly replaced by love.
“Okay,” Jax whispered, and Tristan felt the guilt on his shoulders get a smidgen lighter.
Kissing Jax again, Tristan pulled back, settling on his side once more.
“Once you feel up to it, we’ll make a game plan - what doctors you’ve seen, what you want to do. We’ll get all your records together, and we’ll pick some new specialists.”
“I’d like that.” Jax nodded, but Tristan could still see the anger in there, all tangled up with the pain, and he needed to dig up even more bravery because they were only halfway through this conversation.
Shuffling closer, Tristan put as much sincerity as he could into his gaze. “Now that we have the physical covered, how about the mental?”
“Mental? You mean, like therapy?” Jax’s eyebrows rose, but he didn’t seem offended, just surprised.
Tristan nodded. “You’re mourning who you used to be and navigating the world with a disability. Therapy can help with all of that, teach you how-”
“Teach me how to let go or be dragged?” Jax smirked, but it held no mirth. “I did consider therapy at one point, when I’d chased away some of my friends, but whatever energy I have goes to daily living and fixing my back. There’s never anything left over after that.”
“Well, now you have me, so you’ll get that extra bandwidth!” Tristan stated optimistically, noticing that this conversation was definitely distracting Jax from his pain; however, he wasn’t smiling. Still on his back, he had one hand in Tristan’s, gazing at him contemplatively.
“I’ll do it…” he said after a moment, his voice strangely hesitant. “But only if you go too.”
“What?” It took Tristan a few heartbeats to process, and Jax rolled his eyes.
“Oh, so I need therapy because I punch walls, but you don’t when you just got out of an abusive relationship with someone who blackmailed you?” Jax wore a real smirk this time, his eyebrow arching perfectly.
“Touché.” Tristan let out a chuckle, shaking his head because Jax had read him like a book, knowing Tristan better than he knew himself. “You’re absolutely right. We’ll both find therapists.”
Jax agreed with a sharp nod. “Any other ideas?”
“One last thing.” Tristan took a deep breath, the butterflies in his stomach bouncing around at top speed. “You can make some changes to your life that will reduce stress and increase your happiness.”
“Like what?” Jax stared deep into his eyes, invested, and Tristan started sweating. Why was he so nervous? They’d just discussed some serious topics, yet this next sentence required the most courage of all.
