“She had a thing for getting into trouble,” he said. “She pretended she was innocent and harmless when important people were watching, but once their backs were turned, it was like she changed into a different person. Someone out of control.”
“Wow,” I said. Ethan made his ex sound... cool. Way cooler than me, anyway.
“Yeah. She was too much for me to handle,” he said. “I needed a girl that was a little less crazy.”
Did that mean he thought I was controllable? I didn’t know.
“You said you didn’t have feelings for her now, but did you ever?” Gods, I sounded like an obsessive girlfriend right now.
Ethan grimaced. “It’s hard to explain. I couldn’t trust her. She was fun to hang out with, but I never knew what she was going to do. It was almost scary.”
I felt the same way. I’d rarely been around Chastity, but whenever she was in my presence, I just got this... weird vibe. I’d been watching her at the training arena while she was working out for snowboarding practice, and no matter how much I observed her, I couldn’t quite get a feel on her— or what she wanted.
Except Ethan had said she wanted to be queen. And something told me she wasn’t done with my mate yet.
I didn’t want to talk about Chastity anymore. Ethan wasmyboyfriend, and even though he’d assured me we were together permanently, I still felt self-conscious whenever her name came up.
Instead, I changed the subject. “I had to write a poem for Enchanting class. I’m not sure what we’re doing with them, but I want to make sure it’s good. Do you mind reading it for me, and telling me what you think?”
“Sure,” Ethan said. I handed him the poem. My stomach clenched in anxiety as Ethan scanned the words over the page I’d memorized by heart.
When you are ill, no one understands.
It is like a hole opens up in you, and you can’t fill it.
Other people say they can, but they return blank stares.
I can’t bear one more person asking if I’m all right.
Do I look all right? I am bleeding from the inside out.
This is something no medication can fix, and everyone knows it. That’s why they ask.
No, I’m not going to try again. Yes, you can leave me alone. I am safe.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had any sense of peace, though it’s easy to fake a smile.
The best masks are worn by the best players. Acting is a virtue.
I am the best player. I have the best masks and the prettiest smile.
Men like it when you smile. They are always telling you to smile on the street. I play along.
I play along because it is too hard to be real and too easy to pretend. Makeup is easy to wear.
I hide behind the falsities of mascara and rouge, hoping no one realizes it hides the tear streaks.
When you are real, the world tries to ruin you. The world wants an act.
So I become desirable and kind. Because that’s what they expect.
It is easy to lure men in for a distraction. All they want from you is sunshine.
I give my beauty up like diamonds for free, to stop the voices and silence the nightmares.
I know talk is cheap, but it’s a distraction, and I crave it dearly, like sunlight.
The darkness cocoons me, but if I stay here too long, I will begin to form calcite and dry out.
