I couldn’t even take comfort in my friends right now. I had to be away from them. It was so horrible going through this all alone.
Tygrys was my only solace. The little tiger made me giggle when he tumbled on my bed and fought with my stuffed animals. He cuddled me at night and yanked on my hair to make me laugh. When people came too close to the door, he let out tiny little growls, to protect me.
One thing I could still do was practice transporting my spirit to Edinmyre. I took Tygrys with me, experimenting with how long I could stay without falling under the spell of the realm. I pushed fifteen minutes, forty-five, an hour. I found I couldn’t be there for much longer than that without making my body feel wretched in this world.
The drunken feeling had overtaken me several times, but my brother and I had gone together for most of our trips, and he always brought me back. Our spirits could touch there without risk to my body, and when I felt his coat, I cried. I just wanted to spend some time with him in the real world, and I didn’t know when next that would be.
Sometimes, I snuck to Edinmyre on my own, without Arthur or Tygrys to pull me out of it. It was even harder to leave. Traveling to the astral plane was my only freedom, and I longed to stay there, instead of being contained in my room. But I knew that would be foolish, so I made myself return, and each time, it was more difficult, because whenever I left for Edinmyre, I’d be in more pain than ever before once I got back.
On Friday morning, I woke up feeling like a sword had been shoved in my spine. I’d had a long and fitful sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable. Every position on the bed made it feel like there were mallets crushing my bones.
Slowly, I got up. I took a sip of water, and gagged. I needed to use the bathroom, but it looked so far away. My head was dizzy, and the room spun. I was afraid if I tried to walk there, I’d faint, and hit my head.
I slid down the bed, then crawled my way to the bathroom. I heaved, though nothing came up, and my stomach clenched in pain.
I couldn’t believe I was like this. I’d spent my whole life living with CVID before I knew I was diagnosed, and it hadn’t been so bad.
However, as I reminded myself, I wasn’t as healthy as I had thought I was, back then. And now that my body had grown accustomed to my medicine after being on it for nearly two years, it relied on it to function. Without the plasma replacing my ill-functioning immune system, my body didn’t know what to do.
After an hour spent on the floor, I managed to pull myself to my feet. I stood in front of the mirror, aware that I’d missed two infusions now. My face was sunken in like a skeleton, areas of my skin patchy and red. There were bruises on my body, and I wasn’t sure how I’d gotten them.
Gods. I looked like I was dying.
Iwasdying. I could feel myself withering away. It was a feeling unlike anything I’d ever faced before.
I wanted to cry, but I was too worn out. Ethan’s concern ebbed at my consciousness. He was constantly checking in on me, and I hated the only news I could give him was that I was getting worse.
The bad part? I knew my body could do this for a long time. I could wilt like this for months— years, potentially. It would be a long and painful demise, and I’d be by myself through all of it, because the people who loved me worried about bringing a virus to me that would end it all.
My resolve to keep myself safe broke. Life didn’t mean anything, if it meant going out like this. I’d break one little rule, and keep the rest.Ethan, come to me.
I immediately sensed his hesitation.It’ll put you in danger.
I didn’t care. I knew I had to isolate from as many people as possible, but the loneliness and sorrow were eating away at me even worse than my body was. I neededone personat least, just to talk to. I couldn’t stand not being touched— I couldn’t do this on my own. If I was only allowed to see one person I loved, it would be Ethan.
Please. I need you.Just you, just once, I pleaded.
He came. Ethan slipped into my dorm room, and I immediately embraced him the moment he was within reach. My knees went weak when I inhaled his scent. Tygyrs purred above us, and I crushed my mate against me, feeling like I’d won the whole world.
“You shouldn’t touch me,” he said, but he let his arms fall around me anyway. It was like he needed to hold me.
“I don’t care.” The answer came again. I really didn’t. I was trying to keep myself safe, but if there was no other way for this to end, I at least wanted my mate by my side.
“I’ve been keeping myself away from people, just in case you needed me,” Ethan said.
“You’ve been self-isolating?”
“I haven’t been to class all week. I don’t leave my room unless I have to.”
Tears rose in my eyes. Ethan loved me so much. “You can’t do that. You’re about to graduate.”
“Myonawilkeneeds me. I don’t need to do anything but to be at your side.”
I wavered. Ethan caught me before I hit the floor. His eyes furrowed as he carried me to the bed. “Where does it hurt?”
“Everywhere.” It felt like I’d been hit by a dump truck and thrown twenty feet.
Ethan laid me on my front. He began massaging my back. I tensed up. His touch felt like harsh punches. He was gentle, but even so, just his fingers across my skin were equivalent to being branded with fire.
