Miroslava bit her lip. “The surgeon had to place several rods and plates in your knee, to repair what had been done. What’s important now is that we take care of your incision, to be sure the area won’t become infected.”
I couldn’t give a damn about my disease right now, or the repercussions. Lady Magdalina leaned in. She began stroking my hair— it was such a motherly action from her that I became terrified. I didn’t seek her comfort. I wanted her fierceness, her courage.
“How long before I get back on the ice?” I asked. “I have to start training for the Olympics.”
Miroslava and Ethan glanced at each other. They’d had this conversation before I woke up.
Lady Magdalina spoke gently, before anyone else. “Don’t ask silly questions, Emmaline. You know what this means.”
My blood turned ice cold as a shudder ran through my entire body. Miroslava leaned forward. “Emma… the damage to your knee was very extensive. I don’t think you can continue.”
Her words pressed so heavily upon my chest. It was like taking an anvil to my heart. I tried to take in a breath, but it came as a quiver.
Miroslava went on. “Perhaps one day you’ll be able to skate again, but if you attempt any triples, you run the risk of ruining what the doctors did. They’d have to replace your knee entirely next time, with an artificial joint. You know the risks of surgery for someone like you. To do something like this again would be—”
“No.No.” Tears burst past my eyelids. This was a nightmare. I was having a dream— this couldn’t be happening. Ethan squeezed my hand tighter, like this was killing him, too.
“Even if you were in optimal health, I would advise against it. This wound just goes too far,” Miroslava said gently. “I’m sorry. But you can never compete again.”
A sound of grief welled up from my throat. I turned over, into Ethan. He rubbed my back as I cried into his front. Lady Magdalina dropped her head, as if this was too difficult for her to watch.
All those dreams. All that time, all that effort, just wasted. Gone in seconds, vanished in a puff of smoke.
I didn’t have friends growing up. I didn’t get to go to school dances, have sleepovers, or be a normal girl. All I had was skating. It was what I’d lived and breathed from the time I got up in the morning until I went to sleep at night. Everything I did, from what I ate to how I thought, from how I stretched every morning and did extra workouts every night, revolved around that.
What had been my life for the past sixteen years was over. Now I didn’t know who I was anymore. My identity had vanished. I was no longer me, but someone else.
I recalled the jealous look on Gabby’s face from the stands as she’d watched the gold medal be placed around my neck. The wolven that had attacked me had been sent by her.
She and the Black Claw needed my blood. She couldn’t kill me.
So she broke me.
If she couldn’t skate anymore, then neither could I.
I’d beenable to walk a few days after leaving the hospital, but it was only with the help of a knee brace. Even then, I could only walk short distances, and it was more or less hobbling around. Miroslava was sure I’d be able to walk without the brace in six weeks, and perhaps even run again, but as far as skating… forget it.
I used my wings to get around, now. Though they were sore from being used so often, I forced them to carry me, because at least those worked. I felt resentment at my knee for being so weak, was angry at it every time I had to elevate or ice it. I wanted to be strong enough to recover from this. Being able to walk again wasn’t good enough. I wanted to skate again.
I knew I never could. I’d never be able to fly into another triple, or perform a perfect program like I had at championships. It was a good thing I’d performed an excellent program there, because it had been my last.
Most days, I found myself locked in my room, looking out the window at the city below. I thought about that long, frozen river Ethan had taken me to months ago. How I wished I could skate away on it now. I’d keep going, forever and ever, out of Malovia and far away from this dreadful place. If only I could transport myself back to that moment in time, and relive it again and again. If only I had known the competition would be my last time on the ice. I would’ve never gotten off. They would’ve had to kill me first.
On one such day, while I was staring out the window and Tygrys was curled up asleep on an orchid leaf, there was a knock on my door. Odette and Delmare poked their heads inside. Ethan towered behind them.
“Emma?” Odette said quietly. “Would you like to come with us to the Shiftery? It’s a beautiful day.”
The Shiftery was a compound at the university. It was where sorceresses went to bathe and brush their shifters. Ethan and I hadn’t used it, because we were always so on-again, off-again. I’d been curious about going before, but now, I really couldn’t care less. Nothing seemed to have meaning anymore.
When I didn’t answer, Delmare added, “Everyone’s waiting for you. We all want to see you again.”
They were trying to cheer me up. It was sweet, but I wasn’t quite in the mood. I looked away, and Ethan stepped in.
“Spring is here. My coat needs a good brushing,” Ethan added. “I’d like you to get all this hair off, so I don’t go around looking like a vagabond.”
Ethan was pretending like he needed me. I played along and said, “Okay.”
I got up, and stiffly hobbled to the hallway. Ethan changed, and I managed to climb on his back so he could carry me to the Shiftery. As we walked, I pulled a chunk of white hair off his coat and wrinkled my nose. Hedidneed a brushing. He was shedding like crazy.
