“Why do you think you felt the need to fake who you were?” Takahashi asked.
“No reason, really,” Marcus said. “I mean, my parents were great, my teachers were nice, and I was provided for, but I could never figure out who I was or where I fit in. Acting was easy, because I could just slip into someone else's life and not have to be myself, for once."
"Is that why you made a fake identity for yourself once you came here?" Kallie asked softly. She must’ve resonated with something Marcus said, because for once, she wasn’t yelling at him.
"Kind of,” he admitted. “I mean, I tried to be tougher than I was for safety reasons, because we're in prison and all that. But because of theatre, it was so much easier to pretend to be someone else rather than be my awkward-ass self. I realized back then that I’d never be able to find people I could just be weird with— because I’m a weird fucking person. I’ve tried not to be, and I can’t, so I might as well go at it alone.”
“You can be weird with us,” Kallie suggested.
Marcus made a skeptical noise. “Yeah, sure. You’re perfect.”
Kallie blew out a soft sigh. "I'm far from perfect."
Marcus' voice had turned quiet. “My mom was the one who arrested me, you know? She was the first detective who showed up on the scene after Anya died. It was so messed up. She came in blazing, thinking she’s gonna arrest some mass murderer, and it ends up being her kid.”
Marcus sighed. “I guess I am a mass murderer. And she had to face that. I'm sure she always thought I was going to kill someone someday, but I bet she figured it'd be myself."
"Marcus!" Kallie gasped, and I cringed.
“Why not?" Marcus said. "My uncle killed himself when he was around my age. And my dad’s got depression, too, so I know I’m predisposed. My parents always want me to talk about my feelings."
"I'm sure that can be exhausting," Takahashi said.
"It is, because sometimes, I just don't have any— feelings, I mean. I wish my dad would stop freaking out about it. He constantly thinks I’m going to throw myself over the edge.”
“He cares,” Kallie said. “Better than having a parent who doesn’t give a shit.”
Marcus shrugged. "I guess. Then there’s my little sister, Erica.”
“I didn’t know you had a sister,” Kallie said.
“I try not to mention her,” Marcus admitted. “She’s great— really. I just can’t help but… be jealous of her, you know? Even though I love her. She was so perfect at everything— school, dance, music, cooking, gardening, sports, you name it. And then there was me. I could barely pass a math class, I have two left feet, I burnwaterand kill every plant I’ve ever owned, and I trip walking across a basketball court. Maybe that’s why I turned to art— because it was the only thing she wasn’t good at. It wasmineand not hers.”
My shoulders grew heavy as Marcus talked. Marcus was the biggest talker in the group during these sessions, but he usually brought up stuff that didn’t really matter, mostly to just fill our time until Takahashi dismissed us. But this was deep.
“I’m sorry you felt overshadowed by your sister,” Kallie said, sounding genuine. “I know what it’s like to compete with a sibling. My twin brother was the same way— perfect at every fucking thing while I was off getting into trouble.”
“I wasn’t getting into trouble,” Marcus snapped. His soft tone instantly soured.
“I didn’t say you were,” she huffed back at him. “You don’t have to get so defensive.”
“I’m not getting defensive,” he argued.
“I’m just trying to comfort you, and you’re pushing me away,” Kallie growled. “You always do this!”
Marcus huffed. “I do not! Name one time I’ve pushed you away.”
“Literally every second of every day!” Kallie burst, stomping her foot as she shot out of her chair. “I’ve done nothing but try to be your friend, and you insist on keeping me at a distance.”
“Didn’t you hear anything I just said?” Marcus demanded, and I heard him jump to his feet beside her. “I don’tdofriends.”
“Because you don’t want them!” Kallie yelled. “You’re so afraid you’re going to hurt someone like you hurt Anya that you makesurethey never get close enough for youtohurt.”
“So maybe I do,” Marcus seethed. “It’s better than seeing them get hurt.”
“You don’t get it! Pushing me away is pretty damn hurtful. You could shove a sword through my stomach, and I would evenfeelit compared to the pain I feel waiting around for you to wake the fuck up and realize the kind of bond we share.”
“Bond?” Marcus repeated nastily. “The onlybondwe have is as teammates in the Darke Games, and that’s over!”
