I wasn’t sure she felt the same.
I knew I could not fix her body, and for that, I grieved. I merely wished I could take her sorrow away.
Chapter Six
Emma
One July morning, I didn’t awaken until it was past ten. Ethan was gone— he always got up earlier than I did. I knew he believed he could take some of my duties for me, so I wouldn’t be so exhausted, but as for me, I felt inadequate.
The worst part about being a queen was the schedule. All day long I was told what to do, where to be, and what to wear. I had so many responsibilities at the palace that by the end of each day, I was collapsing into bed.
I thought being queen meant having all the power, but I felt less in control of my life than I did when I was a peasant.
There was a knock on my door, and in entered Vara. My eyes widened as I took in her simple dress, hair pulled back with a braid.
“Vara, what are you doing?” I asked, rubbing my eyes sleepily.
“I’m your new handmaiden,” Vara said. “I’m here to help you get ready.”
“That’s below your station,” I said, sitting up. As Arthur was my brother, and Vara his mate, both of them had high standings in Malovia now. Arthur had been hired by Ethan as the royal scribe, but it was more or less a ruse to get Arthur permanent access to the royal library, so he could continue searching for the Seelie and Unseelie stones. Vara was lowering herself by accepting a position as my maid.
“Arthur and I agree. It’s better if you have a friend for your handmaiden, rather than a servant you don’t know you can trust,” Vara said firmly. “I know you have your friends to serve as your ladies, but you need someone on your side to help dress you, to feed you and to do all the small things that you don’t have the time or the energy for. It makes both of us nervous thinking about a stranger serving you, one who might be potentially an assassin or spy. Let me help.”
I couldn’t argue with Vara’s logic. My maids were gentle enough, and kind, but it’d crossed my mind many times that one of them might be working for Gabby, and ferrying information back to her. “I guess you’re right, though I have to thank you for doing this.”
“It’s no trouble,” Vara insisted. She opened up the wardrobe and began rummaging through it. “Now, let’s get you something nice to wear. You have a tea party this afternoon.”
I held back a groan. I liked tea parties, but the ones held at the palace were full of ladies who were looking to raise their station. As queen, it was my duty to hold them to appease the court, but sometimes it felt like I was fending off a group of hungry crocodiles rather than entertaining women.
I spent my morning at my writing desk in my office. I sipped at my coffee and ran my quill along the parchment. Ethan had been encouraging me to find a hobby, not so much to replace skating, but to fill the hole it’d left behind.
I’d been experimenting with poetry. Delmare had gotten me into it, and it was a goal of mine to write a new poem every morning, even if it sucked. I took some time to mess around with wordplay before I read over my latest work.
Snow in April
Morning sunlight on the dusting
Odd for such a time as spring
Where warmth would leave me lusting
Stones and sadness
Crystals lingering on the wood
Magic performed like a prayer
A wish for things to turn good
Folded and torn
Pieces of paper fragments there
A new life written in pen
But one that did not come to bear.
I was pleased with it. I thought Delmare’s poems were better, and I was certainly no master, but poetry gave me a way to express myself without feeling obligated to explain my emotions. I had to cover up so many of my own feelings, because I was queen and people depended on me. Here, in my office, I could be honest with the thoughts that dangled within my mind, and pull them out to examine them on paper.
