Bapa puffed his pipe and muttered, “Queenship is nothing less than what you’re fit for.”
I said nothing. Babcia guffawed at my silence. “I’m surprised you’re not jumping at the opportunity.”
“This isn’t a small decision. I’m considering taking ownership of an entire country.” I rubbed my eyes. It made me sick to say it out loud. “This is different from the King’s Contest. Then, I only had a chance of being queen. Now it feels like this is the only option I have, and I don’t know if I want it.”
“I think it’s a good idea, Em,” Arthur said quietly. “It’s what you deserve.”
“It’s not about me. It’s about what the people of Malovia deserve,” I insisted. I finished my food, but by the time I’d put down my spoon, Babcia had already placed a fresh scoop into my bowl. That made me feel a little better, to be honest.
“I think we should look at the facts.” Arthur began listing off points on his hand. “You’re an outsider, so you have a fresh perspective on what Malovia needs. You’re the Worldweaver, so you have a natural connection to the gods. And you’re not a power-hungry jackass. You care about the people, so you’ll put them before yourself.”
“But what if Ibecomea power-hungry jackass?” I moaned. “What if the crown… changes me?”
There was a beat of silence, and Babcia put a hand on my shoulder.
“Emma, if you choose a different path, we are behind you,” Babcia said. “We trust you to make the right decision, no matter what you decide.”
“Aye,” Bapa said with a nod. “We have faith in you to guide your own way, crown or no crown.”
“I’m your twin. I’m not going to force you to choose something that isn’t right for you,” Arthur said. “But Emma, you’re always going on about how you and Ethan don’t have enough power to make arealchange in this country, and now you have a shot. You say you’re holding back because you don’t want to do this. But I think the real reason you’re refusing to take the crown is because you’re scared.”
My guts knotted inside of me, and Arthur went on. “You’re the bravest person I know. You kill monsters and battle cultists without blinking an eye. You’re never afraid to charge into battle or help someone who needs you. You’ll stand up to anyone or anything, even if they’re stronger than you, just to prove a point. But I think what you’rereallyterrified of is living up to your full potential.”
He was right. Iwasscared. I wasn’t terrified of the government, or the people, or even of failing Malovia. I wasn’t even afraid of being a bad queen.
I was afraid of what would happen if I was agoodone.
“If I achieve everything I’m meant to be, I can’t be the same person,” I said. “I’ll have to change. I can be Emma now, but I’ll have to become a better version of myself if I become queen, because I know that’s what Malovia will ask of me. I’m worried I won’t be able to live up to everything I’ll have to become, and it’ll turn me into a monster. What if I crave power? What if being queen molds me into someone I don’t want to become, like Gabby, or Antonia?”
Gods, I couldn’t imagine turning into Ethan’s mother. It’d be a nightmare.
“You have a choice not to,” Bapa said. “You can choose the type of queen you want to be.”
“But I don’t want to lose everything again,” I confessed. “We could gain the crown, but the crown will make things different between Ethan and I. It’ll change our relationship. It’s going to change how I interact with my friends. I’ll be responsible for an entire nation. Nothing’s going to be the same after that. What if I become queen, and it’s nothing like I imagined? What if I still remain unsatisfied with my life? What if… what if I attain the success I desire, but it still leaves me empty inside?”
Because Iwasafraid of it— being successful. I was more terrified of accomplishing my dreams than I was of the scariest monster out there. I’d been losing for so long… failed so many times… that I didn’t know what it would be like to finallywin, for once. What would I do with myself once I finally got everything I wanted?
“Playing small isn’t going to help you achieve your goals. You’ll lose yourself by remaining afraid and letting the world pass you by,” Babcia said. “It’s easier to remain as you are. Yet you feel it in your heart that it isn’t enough.”
She spoke the truth. Inside of me, there was always this ever-longing ofmore. I could be happy the way I was, but I wouldn’t be content. There’d always be this niggling in the back of my mind that I hadn’t given it my all, and it would eat away at me for the rest of my life.
“But I’ll have to be perfect. I don’t know if I can live up to that,” I said. “What if I try to be the best queen I can be, and in the process, it destroys who I am, and I lose myself?”
“Mistakes are going to be made in the realm of power, but you have to allocate for them,” Bapa said. “At least if you take the risk, you won’t have to look back, and wonder what would’ve happened if you would’ve played the game.”
“Ethan frames power as sacrifice. Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t,” I said. “I don’t mind giving up pieces of myself, but I worry this position will make mebecomethe sacrifice… if that makes sense.”
My grandparents nodded thoughtfully. I didn’t know why I was going on about this, because due to my prophecy, I was going to be sacrificed anyway. But dying for a cause I believed in and experiencing a slow death of the soul due to continually failing over and over was different. I felt like I’d failed Malovia so many times already. How would I handle doing it again as queen? Even if I made the best decisions possible, someone would always pay the price.
“We are in charge of our own path,” Babcia said. “You aren’t responsible for the world. Malovia will depend on you, but before you can please the court, you must first have faith in yourself. Some people under your rule will die, and some will live. What matters isn’t what power you have, but what you choose to do with the power that has been given to you. None of us are helpless, Emma. And it’s the illusion of that helplessness that keeps so many stuck where they are. Don’t fall into the same trap.”
Babcia’s words resonated in me, and I understood why I felt so opposed to becoming queen. I’d felt so hopeless throughout my journey as the Worldweaver. I feared that if I became queen, that feeling of being unable to change my destiny would still prevail, even if I was the most powerful woman in the country.
I hated feeling like a victim. I wanted to run from it, make it go away. That feeling of victimhood wouldn’t end if I became queen and things didn’t go my way. It’d only increase.
But power and strength, it was all an illusion anyway, a ruse that could easily be broken just like tearing away threads at the edge of a spell. If I wanted it, I could have it. Nothing was stopping me. The only thing getting in my own way was myself. I could trick this whole world into thinking I was the greatest queen alive, even if I wasn’t.
Maybe if I played the game long enough, I could even fool myself.
