Marcus didn’t say anything. He just kept playing the soothing melody. Beside me, Oberi curled his nose into my hand. He knew how hard this was for me.
I began to pick at the threads on Ava’s bracelet, until the end of it untied. I ran my fingers through the threads, until they untwisted. I drew one thread from the braided tangle and flicked the lighter. The scent of the thread burning away met my nose.
“I forgive…” I choked up. Ancestors, this wasn’t going to be easy. This shit sucked. “I choose to accept the life that I have lived. It is not my fault, or my parents’ fault, that the Hawkei Elders took me away from Kinpago. Growing up the way I did… it taught me how to fend for myself, and to survive. I learned how to remain strong, even in the face of the toughest obstacles. That is one of the greatest advantages I can have if I’m to fulfill my prophecy.”
The flames licked up to my fingers, and I dropped the thread. It must’ve burnt out before it reached the carpet, because Marcus didn’t make any move to snuff it out.
I pulled apart the next thread and lit it. “I choose to forgive the Hawkei Elders for putting me into foster care. They saw me— a mixed-House child— as a threat, and were doing their best to protect the tribe. I do not have to agree with their methods, but their decision no longer has a hold over me.”
The flames touched me again, and I dropped the thread, before moving on to the next one.
“I forgive my father and grandfather for never finding me. I go back and forth on whether they did everything they could to find me, or if they just left me to fend for myself, but dwelling on that won’t change what happened. I choose to forgive them.”
I lit the next thread. “I forgive Ava’s father for sending me here to the Institute. For the longest time, I resented the man. But I spent so long trying to find a home, and if I never came here, I would still be searching—”
I paused as the confession hit me. I didn’t even know I was going to say it before it came out. “It’s not the Institute that’s home. It’s the people. If I never came here, I never would’ve found my true family.”
Marcus choked up, and Oberi sniffed. For a moment, I’d forgotten that they were sitting there, listening to my confessions. Tears pricked at my eyes. I didn’t realize how good it would feel to finally admit that. But my insides still twisted. I was holding backso muchthat wanted to come out. Names and memories flashed through my mind, as if each of them wanted to be released as well. It was so overwhelming, I didn’t even know where to start. After being numb for so long, having any kind of emotion was too much.
I’m here for you,Oberi said kindly, like he could sense my panic.We’ll do this together.
I nodded. I drew a wavered breath, then peeled another thread apart from the others. “I forgive the social care system and the endless string of foster parents who treated me like dirt. I do not agree with the way the system is run, and I can’t condone the way I was treated, but I won’t let it have power over me anymore. Everything I grew up with has shaped me into the man I am today. I know right from wrong, because I grew up with example after example of whatnotto be. I may be a criminal and a villain by the book, but I am a good person at heart.”
The thread turned to ash, and I grabbed another. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued. “I forgive the women who used me for sex. Truth is, I used them, too. I believe I deserved better than to pay for a warm bed and a full belly with my body, but it was a choice I made in a time of desperation when all I wanted was to survive. It’s not something I ever have to do again, and I choose to let go of the fear that I will ever have to go back there.”
Something broke inside of me then. To not only admit to myself that my days on the streets were over, but tobelieveit was profound. It wasn’t that the Institute was better than the streets, but here I had a family— one that would be there for me long after we got out of this place. And heaven forbid if I lost them all, they were proof to me of the kind, generous hearts that lived in this cruel world. If I could find a family in a prison amongst criminals, I could find it anywhere.
“I forgive the gang that killed Marty,” I said, but saying it felt like choking on needles.
Oberi started to stand when I gasped, but I placed a hand on his neck and guided him to lay down again. Tears spilled over my lids and streaked my cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them away. Marcus and his people believed in feeling your emotions, and if I was going to finish this ceremony, that’s exactly what I had to do. I couldn’t speak as the thread burned, nor once it had turned to ash. All I could do was clutch my stomach and double over. Tears streamed from my eyes and landed on the carpet below me. I heaved for breath, though it didn’t come. It was as if all the air had been sucked from the room, though I could still feel it with my magic. The air had gone nowhere, but I’d somehow detached from it as my crippling emotions overtook any sense of physical need.
Marcus stopped playing his harp, but I waved my hand at him, to tell him I would make it. I couldn’t find the words, though.
“Ancestors, Marty!” I wailed. I didn’t even realize when my vocabulary shifted, as if I was talking to a ghost. He wasn’t here, and I’d never speak to him again, but hell, I had to say this out loud— even if Marty never got to hear it. “You always taught me to stay away from the wrong people. Why’d you have to get mixed up with them? You knew what they would do to you! You knew! And you… you died.”
I hiccupped, and my whole body shook in sobs. “I’m so,sosorry. You shouldn’t have died like that. I have spent so long going over that night in my head, wondering how I could’ve saved you, and I couldn’t, Marty. And sitting here trying to change the past is useless. The only thing I can do is make sure it never happens to anyone I love ever again. You made a mistake getting involved with those guys, and they were wrong to kill you, but nothing I do will change it, and so I have to accept it. I choose to forgive it. You were there for me when no one else was, Marty, and I’ll never forget that.”
The chapel went silent, except for Marcus’ music. After several beats, Oberi said,That was beautiful, Charlie.
My chest heaved as I sat up straighter. “I’m not done.”
I had so much more baggage to release, but I felt immensely lighter already. I lit another string and gritted my teeth. “I forgive myself, for holding on to all of this for so damn long. It’s done nothing but turn me bitter, and I can’t keep going on like that. Anger has its place, but only if it’s going to drive me to action. It has no place here— not in the past. I forgive myself for the criminal I’ve been. For so long, I thought I was a shitty person for stealing and conning people, and I just…acceptedthat I couldn’t change that. But I did what I had to do to survive, and I’m not sorry about it. I choose to release myself of that shame, and to know that if I’m a villain, it’s becausetheychoose to see me that way. I don’t fit into a box, and I don’t play by other people’s rules, but I don’t have to make myself the bad guy. Hell, I murdered Bones, and if that makes me a bad guy in their book, so be it. But I saved a man’s life in the process, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. So yeah, I forgive myself for doing what I have believed is right every moment of my life. I am not my mistakes, but I’ll sure as hell start trying to learn from them.”
My hands trembled as I lifted the final threads. I opened my mouth, but my breath caught. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as the tears hit me like a flood. This one wasn’t going to be easy. In fact, it was probably going to be the hardest one.
“I release the expectations that I have unfairly put upon Ava-Marie. The resentment I feel because she doesn’t want to live life on my terms is crippling. I’ve searched my whole life for security, stability, and certainty, and I thought Ava could be that for me, but she can’t. She wants adventure, and I don’t, and I’ve felt so angry that she won’t give that up for me. It’s unfair. Ancestors, I want to be with herso bad, but I am so fucking scared that we’re both going to get hurt. Everything I’ve ever had has left me, and so I can’t rely onfaiththat Ava would stay. I’m so frightened of losing her that I thought it’d be easier to distance myself from her than love her.”
Oberi stood, but he didn’t say anything.
I continued. “The only thing I can be certain of is that I’m going to lose Ava-Marie one day, but I’m causing both of us more pain by staying away from her and trying to prevent it. That pain is already here. Ava may be difficult at times, but I’m the real mess. I love her so damn much that I’ve turned away from her. That’s going to change. I forgive myself for the choices I’ve made. I cannot change them. But moving forward, I can no longer push her away.”
My rib cage felt as if it was tearing apart, but I knew this would get worse before it got better. “I can’t keep resisting my heart. Our souls are connected, and I can’t turn away from that. I don’t care if we’re together or not. I will commit to everything we face together in the future. I will be there for her no matter what, through any obstacle, and I won’t be a coward any longer and give up.”
Sobs racked my chest, but I didn’t resist them. I let them tear through me, because if something was going to tear me apart from the inside out, it’s because it wanted to be let go.
“I know this is going to be hard,” I cried. “I know there is going to be pain at the end. There’s always pain. But it doesn’t matter, because I want to be with her, and I’m making us suffer more by refusing to. So I forgive myself for letting her go, and I vow to make things right again.”
You’re going to tell her how you feel?Oberi asked.
