Charlie nodded. “I can agree to that.”
“And I’m tired of all the miscommunication,” I added with a frustrated sigh. “We never talk about stuff. We just assume and then end up arguing, and the pattern is getting old. We need to change it if this is going anywhere.”
“That’s going to be difficult,” Charlie said. “Let’s be honest, I just hide how I feel all the time, whether I’m aware of it or not.”
“And I lie about how I feel because it’s painful for me to be vulnerable, I know,” I said. “But you’re worth it. I want to change my bad habits for you because you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who’s open. And you know what? So do I.”
“It’ll be hard admitting my feelings, or even showing them, because that feels like I’m making myself a target,” Charlie said. “I’m not used to that.”
“It won’t be easy, when you’ve trained yourself to stay guarded to keep yourself safe,” I agreed. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be for him to break that behavior.
“But—” he added. “I want to give you everything. This isn’t an easy thing to ask, but it’s the right thing to do for us. I want to start trusting people more, including my friends. It’ll be so much easier if I start with you, because I want you to know everything about me. I’m just… really scared to try.”
“I need you to try,” I begged. “You were so closed off to me when we found Forevermore. I tried to give you space, but it hurt so much when you didn’t come to me about how you were coping. I wanted to help so badly, but I felt like I couldn’t, because you weren’t ready for me to be there for you.”
“I thought my feelings would be a burden to you,” he mumbled.
“What? Where’d you get that idea?” It was mind blowing to me.
“All a man wants is to make his woman happy, Ava. It tears me apart when you’re upset, when you cry… whenever you’re sad, I feel like I’ve failed,” he confessed. “Burdening you with my unhappiness just made me think I was a bigger failure. It felt better to retreat from you and deal with it alone, because at least then, I wouldn’t have to be disappointed in myself that I’d made you feel that way.”
“You can’tmake mefeel anything. I want to be there with you, through the good times and bad,” I insisted. “I can deal with hard feelings, Charlie. Being bipolar, I do it all the time.”
“Exactly! How can I put you through more shit than what you’re already going through?” His body tightened. He was getting frustrated.
“You aren’t putting me through anything if we face stuff side by side. In fact, it’s actuallymorepainful for me when you try to shield me from the world, because there’s a disconnect. I don’t feel close to you when you’re hiding your emotions from me. It feels like you’re pushing me away, because even though you want me, you don’t trust me to still be here when you’re falling apart,” I said.
“Then why do you lie about how you feel?” Charlie asked. “Because you do it all the time.”
I paused. The comparison was like looking in a mirror. “I want to protect people.”
“And that’s what I want to do for you. You can’t blame me for wanting to shield you from myself. I get… destructive when I fall apart.”
“I’m starting to realize that’s wrong,” I said slowly. “We don’t need to protect each other from our feelings. We’re strong enough to weather whatever comes through, because no matter how hard things get or how painful things feel, I still want us to be together the next morning. Running away hasn’t done us any good.”
“What if we fight, or what if we end up making it worse?”
“Charlie, I promise you that as a woman, there is nothing more painful for me to endure than knowing you’re hurting, watching you suffer, but allowing you to walk away because you’re not able to let me in,” I said. “You talked about your purpose, but a big part of mine that I feel is right is the need to nurture you and love you through whatever storm you’re facing. I know I can’t always fix it, and I know I do the same thing time and time again. But we gotta be over that now. It’s done. And if there’s something that’s bothering you, I need to hear about it, and I promise I’ll do the same for you. It’s what we deserve.”
“You’re asking me to take my walls down. I can do it, but it’s not simple, you know,” he said.
“Just let me love you, dammit!” I let out a choked laugh.
Charlie frowned. “The people who love me get hurt.”
“I said the same thing when I met you, but you know what? I think it’s the other way around, for both of us. The people that I love hurt me, and sometimes, that’s what love is, you know? If it doesn’t hurt, it wasn’t real. I knew what we had was real the moment I no longer had you, because I felt like I was dying inside.”
“Is this real?” Charlie asked in a whisper. “This… marriage we have.”
“Yes. I want this to be a real marriage. I know I said it was all for show earlier, but that’s because I wasn’t sure of what you wanted.”
“I want this for certain. I want you to be my wife.”
I smiled. “I already am.”
“So are you saying yes? That we’re back together, that this is what we both want?” Charlie asked.
“Absolutely. I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else. This is what I choose,” I said sincerely.
