“She’ll be fine, but I think she’s learned her lesson,” Miroslava said. “A lot of sleep, rehydration and an easy weekend will help her feel better. She’s set her recovery back a couple of days.”
“I’m sorry,” I slurred. “I’m just sofrustrated, and nothing is going right—”
“I understand,” Ethan said, and he squeezed my hand. “I know this is discouraging.”
It was all very dramatic, and I was over it already. Miroslava fussed around me for another half-hour before she put her hands on her hips. “I think you’ll be fine, so long as you rest up, but we’ll have to monitor you closely. You’re in for a hard week ahead. You barely got any medicine out of this treatment, and I won’t be able to get you more plasma until next weekend.”
“Great,” I mumbled. That was just what I needed, a low immune system to slow me up even more.
Miroslava hastily tied back her hair with a handkerchief she had in her pocket. “I must be off. I wasn’t finished with Vara.”
Miroslava hurried away, and I found myself worrying. She’d been spending a lot of time in Vara’s room lately.
As Miroslava left, Ethan also rose. “I’ll get you some electrolytes. Stay put.”
“Sure, I’m just going to crawl off,” I mumbled.
“You might.” Ethan gave me a wink, but his smile was worried. Odette sat at the edge of the couch by my feet as Ethan shut the door.
“See?” I told Odette— as if I had proof to show her that my life sucked. “How can I trust myself when bad things keep happening?”
Odette put a hand on my leg. “The cards want you to rely on yourfriends. I know you’re a strong person, and don’t want to ask for help. But the only way you’re going to get better and beat Droga is if you rely onallof us. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Her words were friendly and warm, but they caused tears to brim my eyes, because Ifeltalone. I was surrounded by everyone I loved at this estate, but I’d never been more lonely. I didn’t think I deserved the help. More than that, I felt like a burden upon everyone I came in contact with.
I’d had help before as a queen— I had an army, and servants, and countless numbers of people who were devoted to me, and all of them were dead because I’d failed them.
Odette was wrong. It was better to go at it alone. At least then, no one else would get hurt.
The only casualty would be me. And that’s exactly how I wanted it. To suffer alone.
March passed by in a blur.I’d hardly registered we’d been at the estate for three months until the morning of Vosna-En.
It was beautiful, that particular morning of Neva’s holiday. The Spring Equinox had come in full force. Ireland rarely got any sun, but that day, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Fresh green grass was blooming over the hills, accompanied by the sight of little white flowers. There was a fresh smell in the wind nothing could replicate. A rainbow hovered in the sky, as it had just rained that morning. It felt like something special was about to happen, though I couldn’t imagine what.
I was on the porch of the estate, wrapped in my robe and watching the newborn lambs frolic in the fields when Babcia slid up beside me. “We’re due to visit Trua Gleann. Get dressed so we can be off.”
She hadn’t asked if I’d wanted to go to town. It was more like a demand. “Is it safe?”
“Of course it is safe,” Babcia said. “We’ll take the carriage. It’s not more than a few miles down the road.”
“But…”
“You’re well enough to make it,” Babcia said, and she patted my arm. “Now hurry. You haven’t lived until you’ve had breakfast atThe County Clare.”
If someone asked me before if I wanted to see how the hidden communities of Unseelie lived, I would’ve jumped at the opportunity. Fuck, I was scared to leave thehousenow. Just going into town for a breath of fresh air felt like the most terrifying thing. I wanted to remain in my cocoon of safety, where things were predictable and I had everything I needed in case something went wrong.
All my medicine is here. What if I need it, and don’t have it? What if I pass out in the middle of the street? What if there’s nothing for me to eat and everything sets off my allergies? What if I get really weak because I can’t eat, then I get sick, and I end up making a big scene? Gods, what if I throw up, or what if I can’t walk far enough, or what if there isn’t any place for me to sit down and rest? I shouldn’t be too far from Miroslava, just in case I have an emergency. Going into town is too far. I need to stay home and take it easy, because then nothing bad will happen and I’ll have everything I need if it does.
But Ireallywanted to get out of the house, though. I told myself nothing bad was going to happen, and steadied my courage. I went back upstairs and got dressed in a green tartan skirt with a long-sleeved white shirt and a wool shawl. It was still a little chilly out, and more layers of clothing helped me feel… I don’t know, more protected. I slid on my leather boots as Ethan greeted me at the doorway.
“You look nice.” He ducked in to give me a kiss.
“Something different than pajamas and yoga pants.” I knew I hadn’t been taking care of myself lately. I did my best to run a brush through my unruly red locks before I gave up and threw it into a bun on top of my head.
I didn’t think I’d gotten ready for something in… gods knew how long. It was progress.
The carriage was open-top, and pulled by a bay plow horse. I was intrigued to see that Vara was sitting inside the carriage with Arthur. She was due any moment.
