Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why your sadness matters?Magdalina asked.We all experience sorrow and pain. None of us truly know, at the end of the day, how things will turn out. There are those all around us who are in misery and pain, and who cares for them? Who thinks of their suffering? You will find, Emmaline, that the more you reach out to give, the more you lend a hand, the less your sadness becomes. You can use your sadness to do good.
“But I feel so alone.” I took a short breath. “Everyone says that I’m the only one who can do this. And if it all comes down to me, I feel like I’m going to fail, because I don’t have the strength to go on.”
The Miriamic religion of the witches of the west believe that your soul is a complete being— that if you strip the making of yourself away and discard the relationships you forge, you can still be whole on your own, Magdalina said wisely.But the fae have a different understanding, Emmaline. It is our community and our people that make us whole. The gods are in everything and everyone, and we all are united in a great web of life.
“I don’t understand.”
You see, in the west, the witches are focused on the individual, and the magic they can create inside themselves there as they work to bring out the best in the self. But faeries cannot do it. We are who we are because we believe in the unification of community, and the meaning it brings. We create magic out of our imagination, and that magic is tied to the connections we all share as fae blood. It is why we are so bonded to our mates, and so tightly tied to our families. Because for a fae, it is the only way to survive.
“So… a fae can’t truly live on their own. Because it wasn’t meant to be that way.”
Indeed. For many years when the fae were first banished to Earth, all we had was each other. If everything is taken away from you, what is left but the people around you? We need each other to rebuild. I believe, in the modern world, we focus so much on the success and self-reliance of the individual that we fail to realize what truly matters. Because if only one of us are important, Emmaline, then none of us are.
I think I grasped the concept. Being disabled, I relied a lot on my community, and the people around me, to keep me healthy and safe. I did everything I could to better my health and make things easier for my illness, but honestly, there were a lot of things I didn’t have control over. Losing my medicine had been a harsh example. My community was responsible for making things accessible for me and, at least in part, contributing to my care.
“Does this mean my destiny relies on more than just my own power, but the power of others, too?” I asked.
It takes all of us to achieve victory. Look at the destruction of the world around you. Communities are shattered when fae do what is best for themselves, and not for everyone. Our bonds and our promises are important, Emmaline. If we cannot stay true to our vows to the people we love, we will betray anyone. Including ourselves. For even though I am a goddess and you are a mortal, I am you, and you are me. We are all one.
“I think I understand. Sacrificing yourself for the good of others isn’t done because they deserve it, or to make you look more important.”
No, Emmaline. In fact, it is a great act of love to serve and sacrifice for someone whom you know will fail you. How many times did Ethan let you down, yet you still fought for him to be free of the leshane’s grasp? You did not wish to be queen. The desire to become a monarch wasn’t in your heart for yourself, but for your people. You took the throne because you knew the people of Malovia deserved a ruler who cared for them more than she cared for herself. You were willing to give your life away and leave behind what you wanted in order to live for others, and make your country better for other people. There is no greater act of service than that. Not even dying in the name of your nation can compare. Death comes for us all, Emmaline. Whether we live our lives for ourselves or for others in the meantime is the real choice we have to make.
“What if it’s easier to go at it alone, and less painful?” It felt like it would be. Safer, too, for the people I cared about.
If you wish to accomplish your destiny, and be successful, you must rely on your friends. You can’t do this alone. No one can. And anyone who deludes themselves into thinking otherwise is fooling themselves.
“But how can I accept the help of others when I feel so… bitter about how my life has gone?” I questioned. “I try to be grateful for what I have, but sometimes, it feels like I’m forcing myself to be happy about something that feels out of my control.”
You misunderstand. Gratitude is love, Emmaline. It cannot be forced, only genuinely felt. It is not forcing yourself to feel happy with situations that make you miserable, but feeling appreciation for that which you truly love. It will make your magic stronger, to stop denying your feelings and to acknowledge that which you hold dearest in the world. When you feel happy, youaregrateful. Thankfulness is synonymous with joy and love. Not a weapon to be used, formed out of guilt. Remember that.
Magdalina laid a hand on her chest. When she withdrew it, an orb of sapphire light balanced on her palm.
This is your power, Magdalina said.We all create energetic contracts, Emmaline, like Ethan did with the leshane. You became afraid when you lost Dolinska, and so, gave away your power. I took it, and kept it safe for you. Now is the time for you to take it back.
I stared at the sapphire light warily. I didn’t want to admit it out loud, though I was certain she knew I didn’t want it.
“I’m afraid of my powers,” I confessed. “I know I’m strong, and I can hurt people. My choices have an effect on everyone. I know my magic can have consequences.”
I am a goddess. I have seen many wars throughout the ages, alongside plagues, calamities, and other strifes, and this is just another crisis that will pass and fall as all the others did.But the great tragedy of life is losing oneself,Magdalina replied.You can command and draw whatever you like into your life through this energy. The greatest lesson I will ever have to give you is this; you can decide your own fate, and as long as you persist, what you desire will always come to pass. Accept your gift again, and you’ll find that things will be easier from now on. You cannot continue to fight without it.
I took the ball of light from her gently. I held it in my hands, balancing the orb until it slowly dissolved at my fingertips. I knew it’d gone inside of me, and was waiting for me to access it whenever I needed it. “What about you? I don’t think I can do this without you.”
I didn’t choose to die until I knew there was nothing more I could teach you. I gave you all the knowledge I could. It’s up to you to put that into practice.
“Does that mean you’re not coming back?”
I will not incarnate again for many more centuries. I have work to do in Edinmyre, and my time spent living as a mortal distracted me, from both my duties and my harem, Magdalina replied.I am bound to shifters here that I mated in past lives, including the man I married in my most recent life. They deserve my time and attention, as do the thousands of fae that have sworn to be my patrons.
“So I’ll never see you again?” My voice was choked as I asked the question.
Don’t be ridiculous, Emmaline. I am all around you— in the knowledge you seek, in the questions you ask, and in the wisdom you carry inside. When it is your time to enter into the Great Hunting Grounds, I will be waiting for you, to welcome you there. You have nothing to worry about. Death cannot stop love, and you can tap into my love for you at any time, and draw strength from it there.
I took a shaky breath. I wished Magdalina could come back with me, but she was right. She had obligations to other people. And I had a duty, too. To the fae, and all my friends. She told me I couldn’t do this alone, and I was damn tired of trying. Being the Worldweaver and having great power wasn’t enough. In fact, it meant nothing if the people I cared about weren’t behind me.
You are a champion of Milonna, and one of my most faithful students. Therefore, it is a great privilege of mine to bestow upon you your true name, Magdalina said.
Magdalina pointed to the trees. A white wolf emerged from the shadows. There was a twist in my gut as I realized that it was the same she-wolf that I’d seen and faced during the Trial of Tears.Shewasme.My true self, who my soul really was inside.
