Standing in the middle of the forest was myself. She still wore that same shroud of black, a veil over her face. I approached her with more confidence than I had the first time, though her deadened expression didn’t change.
She opened her mouth, and her red lips whispered, “You will die.”
A shiver ran up my spine at her words, but I remembered Ethan’s touch, and remained where I was. “We all die,” I said, repeating the words Lady Magdalina had said to me months ago. “It really isn’t anything special.”
“Ethan will suffer.”
My throat got tight. I’d backed out when my shadow self had insisted I had to accept his grief, but I already had. The fact that it still hurt didn’t change reality, or my willingness to be content with that. “He’s able to accept the consequences of my death. As am I.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Are you really willing to let him go?”
I wasn’t, deep down inside. I would never be. But I knew what would be,wouldcome to pass. I’d learned that after Droga had destroyed Dolinska.
“We are each other’s destiny, but I have another job to fulfill,” I said.
“Aren’t you afraid?”
“Of course I’m afraid. I’m more scared than I’ve ever been in my entire life,” I said. “But I can’t let that fear keep me from achieving what the gods have planned for me. I have faith that Ethan and I will be together no matter what happens. And at the same time, I have faith that I will accomplish my destiny. Somehow, everything will be all right in the end. Even if it doesn’t feel like it ever will be.”
“When you’re willing to accept the darkest part of yourself, that surrender becomes power,” she said. “Are you truly willing to surrender yourself to your destiny, no matter what might happen?”
“Yes,” I stated confidently. “I don’t have to change the future, or try to rectify the past. I just have to keep moving forward no matter what happens. I believe in myself. And I believe that once this is over, life in Malovia will be happy again for all faekind. That’s worth any personal sacrifice. Even if Ethan and I have to part ways for a while, we’ll never be away from each other for long. I love him, and he loves me. So I don’t have to be afraid of the ending. I know he is mine, and that I belong to him.That kind of love transcends everything. Nothing can stop it, not even death.”
It’s what Lady Magdalina had taught me, and what I knew to be true. Droga could raise all his armies. He could destroy the entire world, and it still wouldn’t matter. There was a knowing in my heart that even if I died, Ethan and I would be together again. We’d faced evil kings, defeated demons, and ruled a nation as one.
I was no longer afraid of losing him. Love like this didn’t come along every lifetime. I was lucky to have experienced it at all, and I’d go to my grave grateful that I’d met him… met all of them, actually. Despite everything I’d been through, my friends were worth it. I’d been so lonely before I came to Malovia, but now, I had a family… a crazy, stupid family, full of nutty people who were willing to follow me anywhere, even to the worst of places. The happy days I spent with them always made the sun shine through, reaching me in my darkest moments. Somehow, even in this hell that Droga had made, they’d made it heaven.
It would be an honor to give myself up for that.
I knew in the end, everything would be okay, because I’d decided it would be. I had my community behind me, and that’s all I really needed.
I’d beensurvivingfor myself, but you know what? I wanted tolivefor them.
“Are you done getting in your own way?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t have to wait for happiness. You can have it right now, at any time you wish. You just have to choose to accept it,” she said. “Why do you sabotage yourself?”
I took a minute to think about it before I responded. I guess Ididsabotage my happiness. I didn’t take care of my health as carefully as I should, because it was tedious, and being chronically ill was draining as well as tiresome. I pushed my friends away and isolated myself, because it was easier to be alone than it was to be with them. I doubted my own power and had given up hope that I could ever be queen again, because that dream seemed so far away now. Despite doing everything I could to achieve that dream, I hadn’t been able to hold on to it, and more than anything else, I worried about failing again.
It’d been easier for me to be sad… because sadness was comfortable. When I was sad, I didn’t feel the pressure to push myself. I could be alone, and not put any expectations on myself, because holding on to the hope that those dreams could come true and experiencing the disappointment of losing them was worse than the depression.
Sadness was safe.Lonelinesswas safe. My mother had kept me away from other people all my life, and so, I knew how to be lonely, even if it hurt. Waiting for the end didn’t require you to do anything. You didn’t have to fight back. There was no change required on my part.
That wasn’t who I was, though. Not since I’d come to Malovia. After we’d lost Dolinska, I’d forgotten.
“You don’t think you deserve happiness.” My clone spoke, and what she’d said was revolutionary. Ididn’tthink that I deserved it— and it wasn’t because we’d lost the crown. That feeling had never left me, not since I’d first come to Malovia long ago. I had imposter syndrome beyond reasoning, a voice in my head saying I was putting on some kind of show, and someday, everyone would realize just how weak I really was on the inside.
Why? Why couldn’t I be enough? This went beyond failing to feel gratitude. I still hadn’t gotten to the core of my issues, and although I felt like I was about to unveil the truth any second, I always found another layer to peel away.
Maybe I didn’t have tofeellike I was enough in order to become enough. My mind could feel unworthy, but my heart could tell me otherwise. Feeling unworthy was a thought, just like any other. And I could change it by making a decision.
It was like illusion magic. I decided what I created and what reality meant. There was no such thing as the truth, no such thing as boundaries on my abilities except the boundaries I put on myself, because at the core of me, I was limitless. I could decide what kind of person I was going to be, despite my feelings.
“I do deserve happiness,” I told her. “I’m worthy of being loved and getting everything I want. I just have to make the decision to take it.”
My clone smiled at me. She stepped forward and said, “Hold out your hand.”
