I got choked up and had to take a breath all at once, and the effect made me gag. I ventured onward, refusing to lose my determination.
I was covered in sweat by the time I neared the factory. Oh, ancestors, it was so much harder getting here than I anticipated.
People flooded down the hall as the shift ended for the day. I spotted Charlie and made a beeline for him, giving a whimper as my middle ached. A couple of inmates veered out of my path, glancing at me like I was crazy.
Charlie felt me approach through our bond— or, at least, he heard my ragged panting. “What the hell, pidge? You shouldn’t be down here.”
“I…you…”
I took the book I had in my lap and threw it at him. It bounced off his chest and landed on the floor.
“Pidge, what are you doing?” Charlie bent down to pick up the book. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”
My lip trembled as I yelled, “I can’t believe you! You said you were going tokill yourselfif I died? How could you?”
Charlie stiffened. He looked a little sick, like he hated I’d brought up what had happened that night. A couple of people looked our way in interest at my raised voice, but students at the prison were long used to the daily Ava-and-Charlie drama by now. They moved around us like this was any normal day.
But this wasn’t a normal fight. This was so serious.
Let’s talk about this somewhere private, Oberi offered kindly.
I grumbled as Charlie moved to grab the wheelchair’s handles, but I didn’t have the energy to move any farther from this spot. I stewed as Charlie maneuvered us back to our cell, struggling to hold it in. The second he closed the door behind us, I absolutely erupted again.
“Why would you do that? Why would you say—”
I burst into tears. Charlie took a seat across from me in the armchair, then leaned over to put a hand on mine.
His touch was overwhelming right now. I felt overstimulated. He might as well be pouring salt into an open wound, because all I could think of at the current moment was the thought of that same hand, cold and stiff in a box six feet underground.
Walls immediately went up. I wanted to protect myself, and him, at the same time, and I didn’t know who to help first, or if I could even help either of us. At the same time, his hand was comforting, so I let it sit there.
“Where did this come from? How did you even find out?” Charlie asked.
Kallie and Chancey told her everything that happened,Oberi explained, while I bawled like a baby.
I felt the guilt rolling off of him as he said, “I know what I said wasn’t okay—”
“This isn’t fair. I can’t sit here and wonder if something happens to me if I’m killing you, too.” I wiped at my face, and couldn’t look at him, because doing so was just too painful right now.
Let’s start from a place of compassion, Oberi offered. She perched on the armrest of the chair between us, looking back and forth.Ava, I know you’re upset, but let Charlie explain.
I gave a loud sniff, but decided I’d let him talk.
Charlie took a breath and said, “You’re my family, Ava. The only family I’ve ever had. My father and grandfather don’t count. They’re out there, but I don’t really know them. I know you— you’re the only person that’s loved me, unconditionally, in the way I needed to be loved. I never got that growing up fromanyoneelse. It felt like my dreams were coming true, then were shattered, because I’d had that love for such a short time, and I couldn’t stand letting that go. Can you imagine how isolating that would be, and how absolutely terrible it would feel to lose that?”
A bottomless pit opened up in my stomach, and I felt my anger begin to ebb away. “I don’t know if I can really understand, because I can’t fathom what it would be like to live that way.”
People can’t live without love, Ava,Oberi said.You’ve always had love all around you, from your family and friends, but Charlie hasn’t. He’s been starving for it.
“But I can’t be the only source of this… love. I can’t be the reason you want to live,” I pressed.
“Of course not. I know I have friends who care about me, and I have my own dreams I want to chase after. My life goes beyond you. But… you’re the piece that holds it all together.”
Charlie moved his hand farther up my arm. “I wanted to get married. I wanted the stability, and some sort of family unit around me I could lean on for support. You have no idea how difficult it was being alone all my life. Now that I know what it’s like to have someone that means so much to me, I can’t stand going on without it.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid to be alone,” I pressed.
“Look at everything that’s happened to me. I’ve been homeless, hungry, abused, and used by people. I was told I was trash all my life, and treated like it. Now I have someone who actually looks at me like I’m the sun, because I know you do, Ava. Then the world was asking me to let that go. When do I get to decide I’ve been through enough?”
