I knew how I truly felt, though I’d never speak it. If Charlie died, I’d put up a good show for a while, fake the world into believing that I was okay. Then I’d die of a broken heart. If it wasn’t him, it wasn’t anybody.
I’d put it all on the line to love him. He’d done the same, in order to love me.
The terrifying reality dawned on me. Iwasdependent on Charlie. More than I wanted to admit. This idea of independence and being with someone because you wanted to be with them, not because you needed them, was my ideal. I’d seen my parents live it out, and I liked it that way.
I didn’t think it could work that way with us. We’d both been so traumatized that it would be hard to pull away. After all the death I’d seen in my life, I didn’t know if I could take much more… and I certainly couldn’t handle Charlie’s. How did we move forward when we were this interconnected, and life was this dangerous?
Charlie didn’t say anything, because he was letting me think. I’d allowed him to observe my thoughts, because I didn’t know how to get my feelings across to him any other way.
“What do you think, Oberi?” Charlie asked. “You have a better perception of this.”
I think you can only take each moment as it comes. It is foolish to speak of something that has not come to pass, and may never will, she replied.
Then she ruffled her feathers.But I also think it’s okay to need each other. We all need each other. There are three parts to our bond that make it complete.
“Why weren’t you there for us when we were children, Oberi?” I asked bitterly. “You were alive. Where were you?”
If I knew that answer, beloved, I would tell you,she said solemnly.I remember very little of my past, until the point where I found Charlie for the first time. But I am certain if I had the ability to be there, I would’ve.
Charlie stroked her feathers, but I still felt cold inside.
I felt that my skin was going to peel off my body and crawl away. Being around people, aroundanyone, felt like exposing myself to the world. I couldn’t even stand Oberi’s presence. I needed to be by myself. I neededspace.
Charlie stood. “I understand. I’ll be back a little later, okay?”
“Okay,” I mumbled. Oberi flew off to sit on his shoulder, and both of them left the room. When they were gone, I put my head in my hands.
I knew a lot of people wouldn’t understand my need to be alone after that kind of conversation. They’d expect me to be falling into Charlie’s arms, forcing some kind of resolution to come about, so we could kiss and make up.
But I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t sit here and ask if we were okay when I knew thatI wasn’t.With all that he had been through, it would be selfish of me not to take this time to figure my feelings out, and get down to the core of why this bothered me. If I pretended like we were all right, I’d have to shove my feelings down, and that would make me resent him. I needed to be better than that, for him. If that meant I needed to take some time to myself for a moment, then I had to give myself that time, and really understand what was going on in my head… and my heart.
This was so unbearable. Admitting you cared about someone that much was terribly difficult. Because they could ruin you once they were gone.
Nobody got it. I’dputpeople in the ground. I’d seen my best friend’s corpse. I knew all too well what it was like to lose people who died young. It was worse than a loss. There wasn’t any way to describe just how terrible it was, and what a waste it felt like.
I knew Charlie had experienced that after I’d died. I was just worried he’d consider suicide again if somethingdidhappen. Imagining him dying like Monica was somewhere my mind just couldn’t bear to go.
I wasn’t really angry about what he’d said and done when I was in the hospital. I couldn’t put a finger on what it was that really gutted me. It took me a while before I finally realized exactly what I was so angry about. And once I understood, the clarity was worth the pain. I loved Charlie so fiercely that I cherished him more than I cherished life itself, and I knew he felt the same way.
We couldn’t live without each other. And no matter what that meant to other people, it was an undeniable truth about us I couldn’t avoid any longer.
I didn’t have the energy to do anything but sit around and try to process everything, for hours. The conversation didn’t feel finished, but I was too afraid to take it any further when Charlie came back around curfew. We didn’t say much, just got ready for bed. Oberi went to sleep on the couch, clearly giving us room to work it out ourselves.
When we laid down, he pulled me against his chest. I relaxed into him, because even though I didn’t have the words to describe everything that was storming inside of me, I didn’t need to. His embrace quieted everything down.
I slipped off to sleep fairly easily. I was woken up just as quickly a few hours later.
Charlie thrashed beside me. We’d slipped apart in the middle of the night to opposite sides of the bed. He tossed and turned, his brow furrowed as sweat beaded across his forehead.
I sat up slowly, unsure of what was wrong. I went to wake him, but before I could, he abruptly sat upright, giving a few ragged gasps.
His hands fumbled through the sheets, and even though it was dark, I recognized the panic splayed across his face. He kept searching the bed, until his hands found me. They traveled upward toward my face, palms resting on my cheeks as his fingers threaded through my hair.
He didn’t settle until that moment. His shoulders relaxed; he visibly slumped forward. He let his hands fall from my face as he fell back onto the pillows, though he was still trying to breathe.
I’d overlooked everything. Before this moment, I didn’t understand how bad it was.
I shut my thoughts off from him as I wondered who’d come back from the Underground more broken… me, or him.
