At least she didn’t throw you in Cellblock 9, Oberi said as he hopped onto the couch.
“Yeah, why didn’t she?” Ava wondered. “She’s not the type of professor to stick up for us. She’s nothing like Hemlock or Warbright.”
“Because if we’re down in Cellblock 9, we can’t go searching for clues like the Warden wants us to,” I pointed out. “He wants us to find shit for him so he can come and steal it from us.”
“You don’t think he knows how many Divinity Keys we have?” Ava asked.
“If he does, he doesn’t know where we’re keeping them,” I said. “He’d have indicated something if he did, or Esther would’ve slipped up. She doesn’t miss a chance to make others feel inferior.”
“Well, I’m feeling fucking inferior right now,” Ava complained. “Ihatebeing locked up.”
Mm… I’m not sure about that, Oberi cracked.Judging by the sounds coming from the other room every night, I’m pretty sure youloveit.
“Hey, if you’re that annoyed, cover your ears,” Ava shot back. “And consider yourself lucky, because I’m too tired to do any of that tonight.”
Thank the ancestors, Oberi said flatly.
“Charlie, can you help me into bed?” Ava asked.
“Yeah. I’ll be right there.”
Ava went into the other room, and I turned toward Oberi. “You don’t have to be such a dick.”
I know no other way of being.
“I’ve noticed,” I said sarcastically. I conjured a small key in my hand, then twisted it. The illusion was easy, because it was made of metal. A lightclickfilled the room, and I pulled the handcuffs from behind my back.
What are those—Oberi gasped.The guards forgot your cuffs!
I smirked. “Lucky for me, too. Ava’s going to love these.”
Oberi’s tone was curious as he stated,I understand why this is appealing to Ava. But as for you, I do not quite understand. You don’t seem like the kind of person who gains enjoyment out of dominating others.
“It’s good for us,” I stated.
How so? Oberi laid by my side and crossed his paws on my leg.
I had to think about it for a moment, because I wasn’t sure how to put my feelings into words. “Neither of us ever had safe sex until each other,” I explained. “It was always scary, or violent, or something that had to be done out of necessity for survival. But with Ava and me, it’s enjoyable, because we trust each other. Playing out these scenarios builds that trust, and it changes every idea we’ve ever had about what sex is and what it can be. We can act out these scenarios without anyone getting hurt, so we can feel safe with sex again.”
I decided to get really vulnerable, and dropped my tone. “I didn’t really get any control when I slept with other people. I had to give that control up to get by, and let others use my body howtheywanted, whether I asked them to or not. But with Ava, she’s willing to hand me that control. She gives me back that piece of me I had to let go of, and it’s very special, because I know what she went through. She’s chosen me to be her protector and provider, even after she suffered at the hands of someone else. So I want to be that safe haven for her.”
Isn’t it safer if you don’t tie her up? Oberi asked.
I shrugged. “I like tying Ava up becauseshelikes it. It shows me how much she wants me and trusts me. She’s consenting for me to please her in any way I want, and showing me she’s not going to run away— even though she has that option,always. But she doesn’t ask to stop; in fact, she encourages it, and that really turns me on. I know if you hold on to something too tightly, it runs away, but me tying Ava down is my way of holding on tight to her, and her telling me she’s not going to leave. When I’ve tied her up, it means she’s mine, and her doing what I ask confirms that. Because Ava wouldn’t unless she was willing to give herself to me.”
It seems like you’re playing out dark fantasies.
“So what if we are? The darkness is all we know, and our thoughts are only turning darker. In the bedroom, we get to explore that darkness in a safe environment, without it being dangerous. It’s a place we’ve created that no one else has to know about. Darkness doesn’t have to be something evil or bad. It can be revolutionary, and even freeing. And we can expose the worst parts of ourselves without anyone getting hurt. It’s enjoyable that we both like that dark side of each other. It’s not something we have to try and change, or hide. We can let each other be who we truly want to be without judgment.”
So you fantasize about dominating her?
I sighed. “That’s not really the point. It’s not about acting out sick fantasies. I wouldnevertouch Ava without her consent, and even thinking about doing that makes me sick. This is different. Every time she asks me to tie her up, she’s showing me how much she trusts me. I love that I get to reciprocate that trust.”
I almost stopped there, but then I realized there was more to it. “I like dominating her because it helps her calm her mind and focus on her pleasure, not just what makes me happy. I know Ava struggles with making healthy decisions, and it’s only gotten worse since her spinal injury, because she no longer has the energy to. She’s fighting against her bipolar and trying to recover all at once. But when we’re in bed together, she gets to leave all that behind and ground herself again. It takes the pressure off of her. I’m honored that she wants me to make the decisions, because it shows me she trusts me to make the choices she can’t. Me dominating her is me taking care of her.”
I believe I understand, Oberi said simply.I only want what is healthy and happy for the both of you, and I do think this helps rather than hurts. Avoiding the darkness inside leads to ruin. And it is a good thing that you are transforming that darkness into love.
I bent down and tucked the cuffs under the couch cushion. I didn’t want Ava finding them before we were ready to use them. “Don’tmess with these. If you want Ava to be happy, you’ll let us have our fun.”
