“This is weird,” Chancey complained as he looked around. He’d shown up, but not without a lot of whining that this was dumb and unnecessary. Beside him, Opal and Ez whispered lowly to each other.
“Shh. It’s starting!” Ivy whispered.
Kallie walked up the center of the aisle, wearing a long black robe. Oberi strode behind her, and Charlie pushed my chair to the front of the room so I was positioned next to the box, beside the altar. Oberi stood beside me, and Charlie took a seat in the first pew, while Kallie went up to the preacher’s stand.
Charlie had been tense since we’d arrived, but I couldn’t read anything else across our bond. I knew he had to be thinking that this could’ve been real, and this enactment of my funeral hadn’t been so far from what had really taken place. He could’ve experienced this— they all could’ve. It was only by magic and faith we’d managed to escape it.
Kallie lifted her hands, and the music in the pews above ceased. “Good evening, everyone. I want to thank you for coming tonight, for your presence is deeply cherished. We are here to celebrate the life of Ava-Marie, all that she was in this life, and to part with that memory so she can begin her world anew, in a new state of being.”
Kallie shuffled a couple of papers, as she’d prepared something. “Ava meant so much to us all— she was a friend, a sister, a beloved wife. She was impulsive, yet intelligent, cruel, but kind. And when she went down into the Infernal Underground to save a friend, she did so willingly, knowing the consequences she was risking. That risk took her life, and though she came back to us, she didn’t return the same. She didn’t just lose pieces of herself— she lost her ability to walk, and gained a whole new world of pain.”
Kallie cleared her throat. “But the Ava I’ve known since that day is a woman renewed. You’re different, in a way that brings more light to all of us than you ever have before. You’ve always been a beacon for us, Ava. And I’m glad I get to aid you through this transition in life.”
She stepped aside, allowing others to come up to the stand to speak. Ez came up after Kallie. He adjusted his suit jacket, tripped on the stair that led up to the preacher’s stand, and blushed before he leaned in to speak.
“When you told me about wanting to do this, I understood immediately why,” Ez began. “You’re my sister, and you’re still here, but I have to admit the sister that grew up with me in my childhood is gone. And I know all we’re doing is playing pretend, a game like children do. Still, though… a part of this feels real. This day could’ve happened, if Oberi hadn’t saved your life. But I know, as everybody in this room does, that a piece of you died when you went down into the Underground, and that’s a part of you none of us are going to get back. We all see it.”
Ez’s voice became lonesome. “You aren’t as daring as you used to be. You’re more scared; I’ve seen more fear in your eyes over the past six months than I’ve seen from you in my entire life. You were always my brave big sister, ready to take on the world, and I never thought I’d have to watch as that courage within you slowly faded away. Ihatethe Warden for that.”
Ez gave me a smile that was full of so much love. “But I’m really glad you’re still with us, and I’m super excited to see what new pieces of yourself come up to replace what you lost. I think I’m going to like my new sister. Because even though she’s changed, she’s always been braver than I could ever be.”
My brother stepped back, and Opal dotted her eyes with a tissue. He returned to his seat, and Ivy came up to take his place.
Ivy adjusted the black birdcage veil they were wearing, and began to speak. “I know what it's like to kill a piece of yourself— to bury who you were in an attempt to please other people. But I also know what it’s like to kill the person who everyone elsewantsyou to be, so you can decide who you want to become. And I'm really proud of Ava for seeing the parts of her that need to be let go, and welcoming the parts that beg to thrive within her. You aren’t the only one who’s died lately, Ava— the old self in me died, too, when I decided to stop using. And I’m really glad we get to be reborn together.”
Chancey gave a loud whimper from the pews that he clumsily turned into a cough. Ivy gracefully sat down, and the chapel became silent. No one immediately got up after Ivy, and I went to open my journal, until my fingers paused on the pages as I watched my husband slowly rise.
Kallie appeared just as shocked as I did. She bowed her head as she helped Charlie up to the stand. Sprigs, who’d noticed, jumped off the flowers and raced to Charlie, where he climbed up Charlie’s suit and perched on his shoulder.
Charlie cleared his throat, before adjusting his tie and hoarsely saying, “This isn’t easy for me. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to say anything. I didn’t think I was strong enough. But something’s occurred to me, and I think it needs to be said.”
He drew a deep breath. “When Ava-Marie died in the Underground, a piece of me died with her. It wasn’t to the same extreme, and it was a much slower, progressive death, but it had died nonetheless. I’m not talking about the piece of her soul that she shares with me, though I felt that death permeate every cell of my body. There was a darker piece of me that clung so tightly to her soul that I wanted nothing more than to follow her. It’s rare for me to fall in love with anything, so when I do, I hold on as tightly as I can, for fear of losing the thing I love. But when you hold on too tight to someone you love, you suffocate them.”
He paused for a moment to collect himself, then continued. “Ava’s death showed me that I don’t have to hold on so tight anymore— because no matter where she is, in this life or another, I will always love Ava-Marie. I don’t need to cling to her to know that. So today, I let go of the Ava-Marie who existed before we entered the Infernal Underground. I see her for the wonderful woman she was, and grieve for her loss. But I know now that I don’t have to follow her into the grave. I get to follow this new, amazing woman into a new life. While there are remnants of our old life left behind, I see a renewed woman who can stand against anything— and a new man who will stand beside her. Thank you, Ava-Marie, for showing me what we can be together… and apart. Today, we part ways with the Ava-Marie that once was, and know that she was incredible in every way. Through this process, we come together with the Ava-Marie that is now, and know that she hasn’t lost anything in her death, but gained everything.”
Charlie sat back down, and Kallie gave me a nod. My hands shook as I opened the journal my Aunt Maddie had given me. It was filled with clues about my prophecy, but I’d found some spare pages in which to write my farewell to my old life. For some reason, that’s just where I felt like it fit.
“I look back on the person I used to be, and I cringe,” I began. A couple of people laughed, and I smirked. “Yeah, shocking, right? We all do that.”
I swallowed, and went on. “The old Ava-Marie was loud. She was obnoxious, and rude, and sometimes, she only cared about herself. She was selfish, as much as she didn’t want to be, and she allowed her emotions to run the show as her rampant feelings bowled over everything in her path. She got jealous, and mean. Sometimes, she could say the worst things to people, because she was hurting so badly. She just wanted someone to understand how she felt, so she’d say something awful to cut someone else. She put her family and friends through a lot— she put her husband throughhell.And a lot of those parts of me are still there, but some of those traits aren’t. So instead of grieving over the person I once was, I want to focus on what I wish to do better.”
I parted a lock of hair back, so I could read the words on the page. It was hard, because teardrops kept falling from my nose onto the page, ruining the ink. “The new Ava is not only smart, but wise. She uses her anger for good, instead of using it to destroy relationships, because she’s no longer afraid of people getting too close. She’s loud and obnoxious in a way that gives people joy, not in a sense that purposefully drives them away. She speaks with honesty, but not brutally. She understands her bipolar is something to work with, not fight against. She is willing to accept the truth about who she is… all the despicable parts of her villainy that she no longer wishes to escape.”
I had to choke out the next part, because admitting it out loud was terrifying. I could never say any of this to the people who weren’t in this room, but they were all here, and I was certain that each of them would understand. “I’m not afraid to admit it. Ilikedkilling those guards in the Underground. Ienjoyedtaking Jaymin’s life, and watching her die.”
Ivy began clapping in the pews in a show of support, but they were the only one who did.
I went on. “Ending those lives… it felt freeing, and that awful act of murder fed my soul in a way nothing else ever has before. When I caused that explosion in the Underground, I didn’t have to turn away from that part of myself. For the first time, I could accept it— I liked killing people. Before, I kept pushing it away, insisting that wasn’t who I was. But now, I’m embracing it. I’ve always been afraid of being a monster, because I know inside that’s what I am, deep down. But if I’m a monster, I’m the kind that hunts the shadows in the dark, so I can prevent them from hurting others. I can be twisted, evil, and malicious, but only toward those that dare to harm my loved ones. I will defend innocent people out there that don’t have the capability to become something terrible in order to keep away the devil. I do; I have that ability to become my enemy’s darkest nightmares, and I will no longer flinch away from it just because it’s dirty, or nasty. I’m no hero, no matter how badly I want to be. I’m a bad person who can also be a good person, because the two aren’t mutually exclusive, and I know I’ll have to give away my soul to fulfill this prophecy. So why not have some fun along the way?”
Oberi nuzzled my cheek, and I continued on. “It has been really,reallyhard accepting that I am never going to walk again.”
My voice cracked, and I heard Charlie give a sob from the front row. “I don’t know where I am with all of that yet. But I know that this is my life now, and I’ll find a way to be all right with living it this way. I can be a better— and worse— person from here on out. Because though I’m more scared than I ever have been in my entire life… I’m also more fearless than ever before. And I think the old Ava would be proud of me. At least, I hope I can be someone she can look up to.”
I glanced to Kallie, to signal that I was done. She wiped her eyes, and said, “We will now commence with the burial. If everyone could please follow me out to the prison yard.”
She picked up the box, while I grasped the photograph in my hand. Charlie got up to push my chair behind Kallie, while the rest of our friends fell in line behind us. Marcus remained at the back, still strumming his harp. Though this was very sad, I think he was getting a kick out of this.
“That was a really good speech,” Ivy complimented, laying a hand on my shoulder as we left the chapel.
